A Humble Pursuit

I’ve done the bare minimum for work today. I feel terrible about it, but at the same time, I understand that my position is a drop in the bucket of profits for my company.  I’m not using that as an excuse, I’m just using that as a reason for why I don’t feel exactly terrible.

Something occurred to me today, while I was talking with a dear friend. She is going through a moment where she questions herself and what she did in the past, she talked about seeking therapy for it. Our conversation didn’t help her exactly, I’m not sure what it did. But, it got me started on the idea of going into counseling.

Subtract the fact that my conversations with friends might not be helpful for them at all, I still feel that I innately enjoy talking about human emotions, possible causes and effects. Looking back, my interpersonal relationships are much stronger than my group relationships, and those that I am close to, I often get into the psychology of things.

I myself am lost and often down about myself, so how can I help others?

I don’t think the criteria for counseling is complete mastery of the self, I think that is the goal, but for some people, it takes a lifetime to master. In this pursuit, I believe that I would grow as a person just as much as my client. I don’t go into sessions thinking I know the absolute right answers. I go into sessions with a completely open mind and willingness to be corrected.

The idea of going back to school excites me as well, and the thought of no longer working from home is inviting, when the vision of me working in counseling office or school takes it’s place.

I do realize that my thoughts today are encouraged by the melancholy that I feel, but I also know that counseling has always been in my mind as a possible pursuit for as long as I’ve been searching for purpose. I spend more time thinking of a response to a friend’s dilemma then I do with actual work.

I must also realize that counseling, though sounds liberating now, will be a lot of hard work and a lot of heartaches. There will be days like these, where I don’t want to do a thing, and my happiness won’t increase. But it’s a path that I feel will enhance my life for the better and provide a sense of purpose for my life.

Advertisements

New Site

For anyone interested, I decided to purchase a new domain to continue my ramblings. It’s aimforaverage.com. I don’t know what will come from it, but I do have a vision for it. Right now there’s not much there but hoping to write at least once a day there.

Next Chapter & Beyond

There is one week that lies between my past and my future. Next week’s Sunday, I’ll be driving with my mom, my boxes, and my two dogs to Northern California to live with my big sister, my nephew, and my brother in law. The journey is the flip of the last page of this Chapter.

Next Chapter is a new adventure.

Currently, I am (and have been for the past 7 hours) laying in Chester’s bed inside my room that’s riddled with my stuff all over the floor. My bed is gone, so is my computer desk. I have been in my head the entire day. Crying, thinking, watching relate-able videos, planning, and being hopeless and hopeful.

I am happy to have come to a point in life where I am actually welcoming therapy. In fact, I think it’s an integral part of my binge eating recovery as well as my pursuit in building self esteem. I have been driving in a self sustaining vehicle for the past 15 or so years by internalizing my struggles, binging for release, and then researching ways to find personal growth. I’ve reached as far as I can go alone. I am at a a new point, where I need guidance and support outside of myself to, hopefully, open up the Chapter that follows the one I am about to crack open.

And that is what California is about.

In California, I aim to:

  • Pursue personal growth and freedom through therapy
  • Focus on improving my guitar and singing skills
  • Planning for the next chapter

What the next chapter looks like (I know I’m reading way ahead) is hopefully travel. I want to reach a point in my life where I am living in the world. I want to travel with Chester to destinations currently unknown for perhaps 6 months to a year. Working remotely, witnessing the world, and writing music as I go.

After that travel, I aim to come home to Kansas City, purchase a place in downtown Kansas City, create a life here, and continue to live in the world.

This brings hope to my heart, as I lay naked, overly full from my two days of binging, in a messy room on Chester’s bed. The future is bright. The present is alright. And I am going to be okay.

Control

I binged again last night. 

I’m releasing control today and beyond. 

Control….

Control…..

Control: the actions that one takes as a means to a desired end. 

I sincerely believe that everything that happens has values. That’s a statement that mimicks ‘everything happens for a reason’, but doesn’t rely on fate or destiney. 

In telling Erin about my BED, she reminded me of control being a factor in the disorder. Which leads to this mornings ponderings. Everything has a value – even BED. 

So… control. What are things I try to control in my life currently?

  • My appearance
  • External judgements of me
  • Food choices and intake (cravings) 
  • Perfection (not knowing when to let go) 

If there was one thing jiu jitsu taught me, it’s that you don’t win by willing control. You win by being present, going with what’s given, and reacting properly. Also, in parenting, you don’t succeed by trying to control your children. Control never works – it won’t work to cure binge eating, it won’t work to maintain a healthy lifestyle. 

That’s what free eating did. I didn’t control cravings, but I was present and recognized my fullness. I reached by stopping. Binge eating is opposite. I controlled cravings, loss control of managing others judgements, and losing control of body shape. 

What I’m going to work on: 

  • Spread of the ‘non control’ I have at night to the rest of the day in a good balance 
  • Put my goals first, and let go of self judgements and mind reading judgements 
  • Continue to be natural. I’m my best without makeup or ‘sexy’ clothes
  • Meditation & Mindfulness 

Challenge: 

It’ll be a challenge to let go of the importance of others judgements. I relied on that so much in the past because I wasn’t confident enough in myself to judge myself. I’m growing to be confident though. Perhaps that’ll help me release that need for controlling others judgements. 

Be prepared for: 

  • Push and pull of the pursuit of releasing judgement 
  • Rushes of fear of weight gain from free eating 
  • A much happier life : ) 

Fighting! ✊🏻

Quick Updates

Some points of this post:

  • Back to Free Eating
  • The Secret is Out – Erin Knows
  • The Need to be Perfect
  • Binging as Unwinding
  • Smile Direct Club
  • My Default is Dirty
  • Team Growth = Personal Growth
  • PHP Learning

Back to Free Eating:

Last night I binged. Today, I realized I trailed off a bit from Free Eating. I went back to restrictive a little bit. So I bought a sandwich and ate a bit extra. It’s important to eat enough throughout the day.

The Secret is Out – Erin Knows

In a way, telling Erin was my way of letting go of the shame. Binge eating is not something to be ashamed of. Neither is it completely the sufferers fault.

The Need to be Perfect

Finally getting around to truly letting this go. I’m starting to really believe in myself and in my capabilities. I’m not perfect, because perfection does not exist. I get in ‘trouble’ for something? So be it. It’ll pass. Things happen for a reason.

Binging as Unwinding

I binge to unwind just like someone else drinks a couple beers. This is a good realization as I can address it when the urge hits tonight.

Smile Direct Club

This came in last night. It feels so uncomfortable… invisiline really is a test of will… I can easily take it off and toss it and end this discomfort. Or I can ride it out. How symbolic of it of binge eating, right?

My Default is Dirty

Kind of a nod to being perfect. I use to want to be perfect, clean, womanly, whatever. My default is messy. I eat messily, my room, my clothes, my hair, my skin, sometimes, I’m just a walking mess. And, I’m ok with that.

Team Growth = Personal Growth

No more will I hold on to knowledge, I will spread what I know. If my team looks good, I’ll look good. Success is not attributed to one thing or person. It’s all connected. So don’t flatter one self because success, but also, don’t fault one self because of failures either.

PHP Learning

I was obsessed with tweaking a wordpress template that required PHP. I started a tutorial on CodeAcademy. Let’s see how it goes..

Negativity + Awareness + Humility = Growth 

Some days I love myself. I am confident, I feel beautiful inside and out, I feel like a good person overall. Some days, like today, I feel really down about myself. Like dominoes, one occurrence perceived as negative leads to another, until I am bashing my character and my intent at the end of the day. I know that I am not alone in this paradox.

One thing that I love about myself is my endless pursuit of shedding layers of characteristics and beliefs that hold me back. 

Nothing terrible happened today. In fact, if you were to look at what I did you would think my day was great. The reason I don’t think so, is provided by the beliefs I have about myself based on my perceptions and judgement of how I acted, and what I thought.

I’ve been practicing meditation and mindfulness to discourage this act of judging myself and believing too much my negative perceptions. This practice and long with nutritional eating really helped clear my mind up. 

What is tripping me up recently may be the decrease in my meditation and the increase of processed foods due to my free eating method (a part of my binge eating recovery journey). 

I feel free because I am eating freely, but this eating freely cycles back to making me feel not so great mentally and physically. In a way, if this theory is correct, it may help me make better choices food wise based on how it makes me feel rather than based on the fear of weight gain. 

Here are things I feel good about:

  • Website development success 
  • No longer think any foods are bad 
  • Noticing affects of different types of food on my mood
  • Noticing difference of decrease meditation 
  • Feel productive and valuable at work 
  • I didn’t binge from the stress today 

Here are things I don’t feel good about: 

  • Website success adding to my ego, my humility isn’t where I want it to be 
  • Complained about manager to friend (gossip or letting off steam) 
  • Messy at home, roommates might be annoyed 
  • Felt ugly today, had video calls all day while looking very rough 
  • Countered my manager on a call with a bigger boss (not intensely but I feel anxiety from it)

See? These aren’t things that grant a bad day at all. It’s just my brain working over time. Which makes sense. Sometimes when I meditate, the most random thoughts come up. So now that there are actual occurrences in my day, my brain has something more fruitful to fixate on. No good, brain. But do as you please because what you resist persists. The game changer, though, is not believing in them. 

So the judgements of myself that is pulling me down? I don’t have to believe them. No matter how convincing they might be. There are certain things I can do, though, to make me feel better. 

Good mood enhancers: 

  • Get back on two meditation periods a day 
  • Get back on picking more nutritional food, while knowing that no food is bad 
  • Wake early enough to freshen up for work 
  • Openly talk with creative team about wanting to teach and encourage share of projects instead of hoarding 
  • Look into resources about enhancing humility 

I must continue to be patient with myself. The reason I didn’t eat more than the donut when I felt stressed today, was because I no longer seek instant gratification. The more instant it is, the less satisfying it will be in the long run. Mindfulness is a muscle that needs time to exercise. Also, I am understanding the concept of being ok with not feeling ok. There may be no fix for it right now, but you can do your best to at least not feel worse. 

I look forward to seeing if the actions above will help me arrive at a new playing field for my next personal growth pursuits. 

Life Changes – The Big Move

To move to California or to move into a downtown apartment with Hana. That is the question of the next 3 months. Our lease is up July 31st, and I was set on option #2, but something triggered the California dream once more today.

I was walking on the track at my gym, just leisurely. At first, I was looking up pictures of my new crush Park Seo Joon. I went as far as to put his images on my iPhone wallpaper. Then I thought about what others would think if they saw it (ie. Dave) and I thought if the roles were reversed, I would be turned off.

The desire to see Park’s face everyday triggered the realization that, I don’t want who I can’t ever be with to be plastered on my phone, reminding me of what I can’t have. Also, the realization that I’m thinking of what ie. Dave would think triggered another question in regards to my life. I was valuing myself based on others, rather than just living my own life.

Who am I and who do I want to be? And not so much of, who do others want me to be and who do I want to be with (purely on attraction). 

I started looking up other backgrounds, and thought of the ocean… and then I thought of surfing & California….

A year ago, my ex and I were a few months away from packing up our lives and moving to California. I called it quits, instead, to both the relationship and the move. In my mind, I merely postpone the move. In my gut, I know that I won’t be fulfilled if I live my entire life in Missouri. If I move downtown, I feel I will want something else afterwards.

This gut feeling, that I’m trying to also figure out if it’s just impulse, is what’s making California a serious contender in my life change.

What holds me back are:

  • close friends (ENFP personality here)
  • family (mom, dad, Cong, Lily)
  • jiu jitsu (community at Gracie Humaita)
  • independence & change (living with Hana only)

What pushes me forward:

  • California aroma (beautiful weather)
  • beaches (chester & cheeto can finally see the beach)
  • more opportunities & connections (music & activities)
  • family (mo, mike, and Nathan)
  • mo’s restaurant (a place to go to when bored)
  • rent savings (can save up for own place)

I’m going to let it simmer for a few days. This decision is really based on what I am imagining my future to be. It’s a hard decision, because it’s merely predictions of both outcomes. There is no such thing as a right or wrong decision, there are only decisions. Neither are decisions final.

One thing I thought of when I was walking was the fact that, even though the things that are great are great here, it doesn’t mean I can’t… be apart from it for now. We don’t always close the doors to bad things. Sometimes, we have to make the decision to close the doors to good things, in the pursuit of something else that might push us even farther and closer to where we want to be, who we want to be. Although, I’m not really closing the door on the great things here, I am just putting it on hold while I go exploring.

I’m not sure what that thing I am getting closer to is, but my gut is telling me to go explore it. Maybe it’s not my intuition telling me that California is the holy grail, but more so, it’s telling me to try something so that I can move on to something else if I don’t like living there.

Similar to confessing to my ex that I loved him just to end the chase we partook in for years. He rejected me, but that allowed me to move on to the next thing. It’s like dominos, a piece can’t fall without being pushed by the piece before it. Perhaps this big move isn’t about California. The move is just packed with lessons that will push my next piece. It might lead me back to Kansas City, it might lead me elsewhere. But, I will be a more experienced person for it. Others may see it as failure, or “I told you so”. But, I will understand what I gained from it, and I would learn even more about my likes and dislikes, rather than just guessing and dreaming.

This post sounds like I made up my mind… but I’ll let it simmer.