Comfort of Fullness – yellow day continued

I got off of work last night at 8:30 pm. I hadn’t had dinner yet. I ransacked the kitchen as if the kitchen stole from me. I gobbled and gobbled until I felt really full. I realized, I felt a type of comfort feeling full. It was strange.

OVEREATING

Sometimes I don’t know what to do – and I don’t want to do anything either.

I don’t want to run.

I don’t want to learn code.

I don’t want to hangout with anyone.

I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want to watch t.v.

I don’t want to sleep.

One thing I know that makes me feel good is eating good food. That’s the reason I binge.

I don’t think it’s depression – I don’t feel sad. I just feel…apathy. But apathy could be the precursor to a depressive state.

Either continuous eating or continuous maintenance of physical activity helps.

642x361_Common_Indulgences_and_Exercise

Pros of binge eating:

The food is so good

Self control I no longer have to have

Feeling full feels so good

Total score: 3

Cons of binge eating:

Weight gain

increase inactivity

no long term investment in happiness

health deterioration

brain fuzz

Total score: 6

Pros of healthy lifestyle:

Always feeling good about body

Confidence, feel smarter

More risk taking

Strong, endurance

Not lazy

Purposeful

Patient

Total score: 7

Cons of healthy lifestyle:

Overwhelming

Lots of energy required – takes lots of work

Lack of tasty food

Total score: 3

______________________________________________________

Binging: Pro = 3, Con =6

Healthy Lifestyle: Pro: 7, Con = 3

Con of binging wins and Pro of healthy lifestyle wins.

______________________________________________________

There you have it. I’m going to go on a run now.

2016

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Finances & Roadmap

I updated my finances. I do this often to make sure I stay above water until I get a full-time job.

Watching the amount of money I have in my bank reduce month to month without income is a bit nerve racking – but, it’s what I knew would happen and I know I can do this.

money signs

So – here’s the breakdown:

From here until December of 2016, I am giving myself $200 of spending money. This amount should keep me afloat before I get some solid income. Things I am taking into account:

  • Current savings
  • Part-time income forecast
  • Rent & Utilities (March, April, May, June, July, & August
    • Best case scenario I find a sub-leaser for May, June, July, & August
  • Gym membership of $80 for Feb. and March
  • May gas expenses for travel to California

I think I can do it – I’ll keep checking to make sure – if I realize I need more, I’ll pick up a Saturday shift.

money.jpg

Here’s my road map:

January I spent $298, $100 over budget.

Here I think I can reduce purchases at Target/Walmart, reduce grocery purchases. T-mobile and Fed-ex was out of the norm.

1. February – Code learning

  • – $42 for Gym
  • $158 spending money

2. March – Code learning

  • $42 for Gym
  • $158 spending money

3. April – Code learning

  • $200 spending money

4. May – Code learning and travel to California

  • -$300 gas
  • $200 spending money

5. June – Code learning

  • $200 spending money

6. July – Code Bootcamp

  • $200 spending money

7. August – Code Bootcamp

  • $200 spending money

8. September – Code Bootcamp

  • $200 spending money

9. October – Code Bootcamp

  • $200 spending money

10. November – Code Bootcamp

  • $200 spending money

11. December – Job hunt

  • $200 spending money

12. January 2017 – Jr. Front End Developer position acquired

  • I’ll have $1,500 left over following this budget

Goal – First check $1,700!

I can do this.

impossible

This week may be a week of many – up 3 lbs.

Remember that half bag of kettle chips that I ate? Well – it was just the tip of the ice berg for this week.

I am up 3 lbs.

The do’s I am not proud of this week:

  • no workouts since last Saturday
  • intake of Chinese food, chips, soda, ice cream, and candy
  • Thursday no coding was completed
  • clingy like a 5 year old
  • I haven’t been tracking my money

rain clouds

The do’s I am proud of:

  • domain set up – not letting that pride die just yet
  • getting the page looking pretty good
  • keeping to my 3rd day meat day – woo!
    • big step since I binged but still kept this promise
  • getting out of bed 2 hours before work this morning
    • it was a fight and was aided b/c I had to leave Luke’s apartment, but I went straight back to my bed. I got myself to get out of bed, prep lunch for work today, had breakfast, and blog.
  • the email I sent to my dad in Vietnamese – calling the insurance guy as well and registering dad’s houses

applause

The feeling:

Overall – I think everyone needs their vices. It’s what reminds me that I am human and that I am no better than anyone else (sometimes when I get really healthy and fit, I get big headed). It’s proof of how difficult staying healthy can be for someone like me (a recovering Binge Eater?). And proof of how much of an accomplishment it is to reach a goal.

Also – it’s a wake up call. Perhaps something wasn’t working, maybe I was too strenuous on myself. I’ll have two off days instead of just one.

And, I’ve been doing very very well overall. Here is a look for some perspective (green are kick ass days whereas yellows are slow down days:

2016 Progress

 

The Good, The Bad, The Update

The Good:

I figured out how to set up a Domain (purchased VienHuynh.com for a buck and some change), set up Hosting (for free at Byethost), got Filezilla up and running, and got LoreIpsum.com up and running with the Barnes and Noble test page I’ve been doing.

The feeling:

I feel pretty accomplished by doing that. It always seemed so difficult at Barkley (it probably is but mine is smaller and simpler). It feels good to have something looking pretty good. I still have a bit to go with this test site including: adding bells and whistles (slider and carousel), cross browser check and bug fixes.

Here is what it looks like:

bn

The Bad:

I haven’t worked out since Sunday (that’s 3 days straight, not including today). I’ve been snacking a lot in those three days.

The feeling:

Not great – I don’t feel very committed and determined as last week. I don’t feel like I’m working towards something with my body.

fat

The Update:

I’ve been over at Luke’s since Monday. I still feel a bit off with not having a full time job but doing nails on Friday and Sundays I think will help. I started that last week. The good thing about picking up those shift is the money I can use towards my current lifestyle and journey towards my goal.

I’ll be able to handle not finding a sub-leaser financially. I’ll have to get a loan out for the Bootcamp class but my parents will help with those payments for the time being and I will repay them once I land my first front-end development job.

The feeling:

I’m feeling pretty good overall. Not perfect but not terrible. I feel like I’m working towards something, either my health or my career (it’s hard to get both going at the same time! This week is evident of that). I’m excited to have a skill to sell after Bootcamp and I’m excited to move to California. It’ll be a change in environment and a change in people.

moutnain

 

I learned

Learning can be overwhelming

 

it’s a constant state of confusion

 

I promise to stay determined

but I do have a confession

I’m scared I’ll never get it

I can’t build my strength up and go

I’ll be stuck in a state of lostness

while others around me grow

 

But I know I am smart enough

to reach what others scaled

I just don’t have the courage to

watch myself try and fail

Imagined if I tried

and got weaker with every scar

I’d constantly reteach myself

to give up when things get hard

But imagine if I kept going

stuck to it even when it hurt

I could live the life I want

and can proudly say I learned

 

I ate half a bag of kettle chips

last night.

In my head, I thought:

“This is so good”

“It’s been so long since I’ve downed this much chip”

“nom nom nom”.

“I shouldn’t be eating all this chip.”

“What if this derails me from my goal”

I feel guilty. I went to bed feeling guilty. I woke up with that weight of guilt. I stayed in bed imprisoned by that guilt. And…I skipped my workout.

I’m nipping that in the bud, here is my logic & technique:

The feeling of guilt comes from the thoughts I have during and after continuously chomping away at my vice.

Understanding the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and outcomes are important in maintaining a positive attitude.

Here is what’s happening:

My Thoughts (What I know to be subjective and not factual) ARE CAUSING Bad Feelings (What I perceive as factual and based on truth).

That makes no sense. The thoughts I am having – which I know are all based on my own perceptions and not factual – are causing me to feel bad. Feelings, for some reason, appear to be grounded in truth. If I feel bad then it’s a fact that I did something wrong. But – the feeling derive from something I know is based on perception! This means the feeling cannot be factual. Below is an excerpt from a book that helped me tremendously:

Your feelings are not facts! In fact, your feelings, per se, don’t even count — except as a mirror of the way you are thinking. If your perception makes no sense, the feelings they create will be as absurd as the images reflected in the trick mirrors at the amusement park.

– Dr. David D. Burns, excerpt from Feeling Good

OK. From that, I gather that although I shouldn’t have eaten as much chips as I did, the feeling of guilt is not factual and I don’t have to feel guilty about it.

Let’s take it one step further to remove the negative from the action. The culprit here are the should statements.

Who says I should? Where is it written that I should?

– Dr. David D. Burns, excerpt from Feeling Good

The should typically comes from within. It may have come from parents, friends, or other important figures in my life but the bottom line is that it is I creating or following the rule.

Telling myself I should this or I shouldn’t that is stressful and it binds me to rules that are meant to keep me in line.

 

In reality, I typically turn to food out of boredom or stress. When I did it last night, I followed my typical behavior. (I’m not sure if I was bored or stressed last night but it was an odd feeling.) So, if I felt bored or stressed I should turn to food because it’s what I typically do.

It doesn’t mean it’s right, but it is a more realistic use of the should statement. It takes the blame and stress away.

The better thing to do is find a healthier way to cope with feeling “off”. Until then, I should be snacking when I’m bored or stressed.

Feelings of guilt and the pressure of shoulds do not aid me in reaching my goal. What does help are:

  • following through with plans
  • feeding myself what I know will make me stronger
  • strengthening my body because that will strengthen my mind

 

Commitment

Rule Book for Achieving goal

Commitment

Follow through with my plans – climb each and every step it takes to get there no how tired I feel and how much of a struggle it is at the moment.

Determination

These are the thoughts and feelings that pike up now and then within me. It’s the voice that tells me “I am not quitting this”…”I can do this”.

Vision

This is the scene I play in my head where I’ve reached the beginning of success. I’ve made the climb.

You see – this mountain has been made easier by those before me. They’ve hacked away at the branches, paved a path where dirt and un-leveled rocks use to be, and there, they laid down stones for stepping. All the while climbing the very same mountain I’m fighting to climb.

Discipline

Respect and honor the plans I make to get to where I want to be.

Patience

Rome was not built in one day. In fact, Rome is still being built – and it’s been 1,009,491 days so far. Learning something new is frustrating. At times I feel as though my pace is proof of my inadequacy and proof that I will never achieve this goal. But, when I remind myself to be patient – I realize that the speed  I learn doesn’t correlate with the success I may have.