Down 12

My reaction to seeing 166 lbs. this morning was disappointment. I felt like I should have lost more than that.

It’s interesting how I weigh my mood on just 3 little digits. I realize that I’ve been doing more weight & cross training, so of course my weight isn’t going to melt off like it use to. I feel good, I look good, and that’s the most important thing.



Chaos of the mind

It’s hitting me hard right now. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop analyzing.

I look at other’s facial expressions, stolen glances at certain people, body language, what they say, and how they act. I take all of that and apply my own assumption of meaning to it. That in turn, dampers my mood & causes chaos in my mind. I am an out of work mind-reader.


Thoughts that tear me down:

  • I’m not really liked, I don’t have the type of relationships that others have
  • I have to prove to others that I am driven
  • Did I chose the right man?
  • Am I doing the right thing by moving?
  • Am I not a good friend? Are my relationships real?


Times like these are times where I fall, where slow days & yellow days come more often. I don’t know why it happens, but I know it’s something I will always deal with. These moments are me growing to know how to deal with these thoughts.

I think the first thing I need to do is show myself some love. 


Rational thinking of ‘tear me down’ thoughts:

  • I’m not really liked, I don’t have the type of relationships that others have
    • I have no evidence that suggests that I’m not liked
      • If I was not liked – so what? What’s the worst that could happen?
    • What type of relationships do others have? It seems like media affect is going on here, where one instance represents multiple upon multiple instances. There is no basis of what a relationship should be, we’re all just living through life
  • I have to prove to others that I am driven
    • Why do I have to prove this? Am I embarrassed about just being who I am? Why do I have to one up people?
      • What you have to prove, is prove to yourself that you can reach your goals and get where you want to go. You are the only person you’re proving anything to
      • What if I’m not driven? So what? I’ll still be able to survive
  • Did I chose the right man?
    • Direct that question to time instead of basing it off of moments in time
    • There will be moments where, because of a moment in time, I question if the relationship bad – *fixed vs. growth* the situation is bad, not the relationship. If you can talk about the situation then you can compromise
    • What if I wake up realizing I didn’t chose the right man? Did I sign a contract to stay forever? I can always change my situation if I want to.
  • Am I doing the right thing by moving?
    • Never know until it’s tried. There is no right or wrong. It’s not right nor wrong to stay in Kansas City as much as it’s not right nor wrong to move from Kansas City.
    • Having Luke by my side made the decision easier to make – that doesn’t make it a bad decision. We’re both explorers, it’ll be an experience.
  • Am I not a good friend? Are my relationships real?
    • Do I steal from my friends or lie to my friends? Because if I don’t do either, what makes a bad friend?
    • Relationships are real as much as I think they are because I am the only one that can measure it for myself.


This is life. It’s chaotic. My mind is chaotic, but I will learn to live with it. There will be great days where I don’t feel an ounce of insecurity, but there will be days like these where I question my every word, move, decision, and relationship. Because there is high, there is also a low.

Because emotions are always up or down, sometimes based off of the subjective, the idea of  right and wrong is really not factual. Also, wrong implies a mistake, mistakes can be learned from and it may advance you further than where the ‘right’ move was. So what does that mean for something wrong?

All in all – my point is – and what I want to get through my head one day – is the fact that life is just life. There isn’t a book that everyone is following as what is right and what is wrong, what should be done and what shouldn’t be done. I go through life comparing myself to others and thinking that everyone else knows what the right thing to do is vs. me. I seem to look to others for answers when, in reality, I know just as much or as little as everyone else.

Let’s aim for average, and be okay with that.

I’m giving Monday and Tuesday all green because, although I did eat 1 or 2 handfuls of chips each day, I still kept myself controlled especially with chaos in my mind.


The Good, The Bad, an Update

The Bad:

  • Thoughts are running away from me again
  • I’ve been snacking – but not terribly binging – just snacking
  • I haven’t been too patient with my mom
  • I work Friday, Saturday, and Sundays now
  • I’m not beautiful

The Good:

  • I’ve continued to workout despite my low feeling
    • I missed this mornings but will play soccer to make up for it. Saturday will be my rest day as the soccer game is at midnight, Sunday will be my high intensity work out
  • I talked with her this morning. I may see my family tonight for dinner
  • I work Friday, Saturday, and Sundays now. I’m going to be thankful when I’m in California and have no source of income for a few months (maybe half a year)
  • Still loving the coding books Luke got me, I feel like I’m making progress and have a system of learning going.
  • I’m learning something new every single day (with coding)
  • Everyone is beautiful

The Update:

This week I’ve mainly spent time over at Luke’s.Unlike the last week of January, I had more green days (that week I was over at Luke’s the whole time).

Yellow days are still hanging on tight, but I’m getting them to dwindle down slowly. Green days are putting up a strong fight.


I’ve been sweating a lot more when I work out. I don’t know if it’s because I work out harder, I’ve started to sit in the sauna, or because my hormones are fluctuating since stopping  birth control. Regardless of the reason, I like it because it makes me feel like I’m having a good workout.

Other thoughts:

  • I’m chalking this week’s mood up to PMS although my period has been hiding its head. It punches me here and there but has yet to show up to the match.
  • There is a difference between confident and cockiness. Confident = not needing others approval to be happy with decisions you make, cockiness = showing off your decisions as proof of why you are better than others. 
    • I’ve always needed others approval so when I begin to not need it, I feel as if I’m being cocky – I must remind myself that I am instead, being confident.

A Brewing Storm

Feeling antsy – I think my period is coming soon. I’m:

  • bloated
  • sensitive
  • snacking (a different feeling than binge mood)

My calendar update:


Notice 2/16 and 2/17 where the yellow is less than half of the date. That’s because I was fast for most of the day, slowed on some snacks in the night but they weren’t very guilt inducing.

Well – Tootles

The Downhill Night and I Think I Know Why


  • Veggie patty, double cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce, ketchup, & mustard
  • Bowl of Mac & Cheese
  • 2 Hand-full of Chips


  • “I am not a good daughter because I can’t say yes to my mom all the time”
    • This started on Saturday morning. She wanted me to come over Saturday, Sunday & Tuesday
      • All or Nothing, Labeling, Mental Filter, Should Statements
  • “I am too serious playing Pinochle, the three girls are laughing and I’m over here trying to be smart. I came off rude multiple times”
    • Rochelle, Pip, and David were wanting to help but I was very competitive and brushed it off
      • Emotional Reasoning, Labeling, Mind Reading
  • “I gave Charlotte terrible advice. I try to be a therapist too often”
    • I am not being honest with her with how I felt about Elliot
      • Mental Filter, Jumping to Conclusions, Magnification, Emotional Reasoning, Labeling, Personalization and Blame

Thoughts about my mom started the push, and the thoughts afterwards increased the speed.

Boulder rolling down a hill.

…feelings, no matter how strong, are not facts…


  • “I try to be a good daughter and I try to be there for my parents. I may not be able to do everything that they want but that doesn’t mean I am a bad daughter.”
  • “I am very competitive and I try to control that side of me. It’s not a bad thing that I am competitive. I also don’t like to feel dumb and I felt like they were making me feel very dumb. These thoughts were my own and I could have brushed it off. I’ll try doing so the next time.”
  • “I try my best to give her unbiased advice because that’s how I would like advice to be given to me. I can’t control what Charlotte does through my advice, I only tell her what I think is best. What ever outcomes become of it, it’s not my fault.”

I knew I should have wrote these down to combat these thoughts. Feeling bad was almost a punishment for all these thoughts that I took as facts. And victimizing food was my way to cope with the pain.

Some days I feel terrific.

Other days, thoughts like those listed above cause me to feel terrible. My mind starts to second-guess my every response, decision, and intention. I start eating to cope with the negative thoughts. The eating though, has more consequences. Not only am I punishing myself with thoughts that make me feel sad, I am punishing my body with food that I do not need which in result makes me even more sad.


Moving past self-doubt is like carrying a boulder up a hill. A part of my mind tells me that I am not a good person and evidence of that are the thoughts I have. My other part, reminds me that thoughts are not facts.

images (2)

I can get past this – I have many many times before, and I will many many times again.

But, this time, my goal is for my happier self to rule most of my remaining days. My sadder self will find windows to peak its head through – and I will allow her to, but not for very long.


2 Drunk Nights & Gluttony

As the title says – these past 3 nights were filled with alcohol & food.

The bad:

  • Friday night:
    • Made myself dinner then drank 4 shots and binged on chips and salsa
  • Saturday night:
    • Went out, had around 5 shots then destroyed a 10 piece chicken nugget, fries, a big-mac, and a double quarter pounder (w/o buns) all after already having dinner
  • Sunday night:
    • Went to Choga, had spicy squid and Bulgogi, rice, and side dishes. Had truffle fries at the movie theater and a few pieces of gummy worms
  • Went out to Choga even though Luke already bought steaks for dinner (saving it for Wednesday)

images (1)

The good:

  • Made a really good tip from a client Sunday night ($20!)
  • Sunday was also a really good day, I think I made a lot
  • Became quicker at painting Gel nails and such
  • Had a really good workout on Saturday


Calendar Update:

My goal for this week/weekend from Monday – Saturday all day. I can do it!


The Good, the bad, and a short update

The Bad:

  • This week’s hours are low low low – I have been a bit lost and directionless
  • I have periods of self – doubt with coding – mainly because I feel directionless


The Good:

  • I also have periods of confidence to counteract the self doubt 🙂
  • I started reading the coding books Luke gave me last night. So far – it’s been very eye opening. Although, I am going over things I already know, it’s nice to learn a bit more of why things are used. I think these books are going to be very helpful moving forward
  • This week I’ve worked out as I have planned, I’ve been using the sauna every morning. My skin feels pretty soft
  • I talked with Chi Be Em yesterday and caught up with her – I’ve been feeling guilty because I’ve been not returning her phone calls
  • This first half of the month I did very well in staying with my budget
  • The workout gear Luke’s given me have all been working great – the heart monitor, the blue-tooth ear buds








It’s awesome to see more bullet points under good 🙂

The Update:

Calendar progress: