The Downhill Night and I Think I Know Why

Victims:

  • Veggie patty, double cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce, ketchup, & mustard
  • Bowl of Mac & Cheese
  • 2 Hand-full of Chips

Self-whippings:

  • “I am not a good daughter because I can’t say yes to my mom all the time”
    • This started on Saturday morning. She wanted me to come over Saturday, Sunday & Tuesday
      • All or Nothing, Labeling, Mental Filter, Should Statements
  • “I am too serious playing Pinochle, the three girls are laughing and I’m over here trying to be smart. I came off rude multiple times”
    • Rochelle, Pip, and David were wanting to help but I was very competitive and brushed it off
      • Emotional Reasoning, Labeling, Mind Reading
  • “I gave Charlotte terrible advice. I try to be a therapist too often”
    • I am not being honest with her with how I felt about Elliot
      • Mental Filter, Jumping to Conclusions, Magnification, Emotional Reasoning, Labeling, Personalization and Blame

Thoughts about my mom started the push, and the thoughts afterwards increased the speed.

Boulder rolling down a hill.

…feelings, no matter how strong, are not facts…

Self-love:

  • “I try to be a good daughter and I try to be there for my parents. I may not be able to do everything that they want but that doesn’t mean I am a bad daughter.”
  • “I am very competitive and I try to control that side of me. It’s not a bad thing that I am competitive. I also don’t like to feel dumb and I felt like they were making me feel very dumb. These thoughts were my own and I could have brushed it off. I’ll try doing so the next time.”
  • “I try my best to give her unbiased advice because that’s how I would like advice to be given to me. I can’t control what Charlotte does through my advice, I only tell her what I think is best. What ever outcomes become of it, it’s not my fault.”

I knew I should have wrote these down to combat these thoughts. Feeling bad was almost a punishment for all these thoughts that I took as facts. And victimizing food was my way to cope with the pain.


Some days I feel terrific.

Other days, thoughts like those listed above cause me to feel terrible. My mind starts to second-guess my every response, decision, and intention. I start eating to cope with the negative thoughts. The eating though, has more consequences. Not only am I punishing myself with thoughts that make me feel sad, I am punishing my body with food that I do not need which in result makes me even more sad.

Untitled

Moving past self-doubt is like carrying a boulder up a hill. A part of my mind tells me that I am not a good person and evidence of that are the thoughts I have. My other part, reminds me that thoughts are not facts.

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I can get past this – I have many many times before, and I will many many times again.

But, this time, my goal is for my happier self to rule most of my remaining days. My sadder self will find windows to peak its head through – and I will allow her to, but not for very long.

2016-Progress

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