Chaos of the mind

It’s hitting me hard right now. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop analyzing.

I look at other’s facial expressions, stolen glances at certain people, body language, what they say, and how they act. I take all of that and apply my own assumption of meaning to it. That in turn, dampers my mood & causes chaos in my mind. I am an out of work mind-reader.


Thoughts that tear me down:

  • I’m not really liked, I don’t have the type of relationships that others have
  • I have to prove to others that I am driven
  • Did I chose the right man?
  • Am I doing the right thing by moving?
  • Am I not a good friend? Are my relationships real?


Times like these are times where I fall, where slow days & yellow days come more often. I don’t know why it happens, but I know it’s something I will always deal with. These moments are me growing to know how to deal with these thoughts.

I think the first thing I need to do is show myself some love. 


Rational thinking of ‘tear me down’ thoughts:

  • I’m not really liked, I don’t have the type of relationships that others have
    • I have no evidence that suggests that I’m not liked
      • If I was not liked – so what? What’s the worst that could happen?
    • What type of relationships do others have? It seems like media affect is going on here, where one instance represents multiple upon multiple instances. There is no basis of what a relationship should be, we’re all just living through life
  • I have to prove to others that I am driven
    • Why do I have to prove this? Am I embarrassed about just being who I am? Why do I have to one up people?
      • What you have to prove, is prove to yourself that you can reach your goals and get where you want to go. You are the only person you’re proving anything to
      • What if I’m not driven? So what? I’ll still be able to survive
  • Did I chose the right man?
    • Direct that question to time instead of basing it off of moments in time
    • There will be moments where, because of a moment in time, I question if the relationship bad – *fixed vs. growth* the situation is bad, not the relationship. If you can talk about the situation then you can compromise
    • What if I wake up realizing I didn’t chose the right man? Did I sign a contract to stay forever? I can always change my situation if I want to.
  • Am I doing the right thing by moving?
    • Never know until it’s tried. There is no right or wrong. It’s not right nor wrong to stay in Kansas City as much as it’s not right nor wrong to move from Kansas City.
    • Having Luke by my side made the decision easier to make – that doesn’t make it a bad decision. We’re both explorers, it’ll be an experience.
  • Am I not a good friend? Are my relationships real?
    • Do I steal from my friends or lie to my friends? Because if I don’t do either, what makes a bad friend?
    • Relationships are real as much as I think they are because I am the only one that can measure it for myself.


This is life. It’s chaotic. My mind is chaotic, but I will learn to live with it. There will be great days where I don’t feel an ounce of insecurity, but there will be days like these where I question my every word, move, decision, and relationship. Because there is high, there is also a low.

Because emotions are always up or down, sometimes based off of the subjective, the idea of  right and wrong is really not factual. Also, wrong implies a mistake, mistakes can be learned from and it may advance you further than where the ‘right’ move was. So what does that mean for something wrong?

All in all – my point is – and what I want to get through my head one day – is the fact that life is just life. There isn’t a book that everyone is following as what is right and what is wrong, what should be done and what shouldn’t be done. I go through life comparing myself to others and thinking that everyone else knows what the right thing to do is vs. me. I seem to look to others for answers when, in reality, I know just as much or as little as everyone else.

Let’s aim for average, and be okay with that.

I’m giving Monday and Tuesday all green because, although I did eat 1 or 2 handfuls of chips each day, I still kept myself controlled especially with chaos in my mind.



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