Dear Future BoBylan

You are such a restless soul. You touch only the tip of each possible path like you’re running suicide drills. The effort is there but the time you spend on each thought amounts to very little. Only enough for you to think you’re still suitable which is enough to unharm your ego.

Don’t target this characteristic and label it a good or bad thing. Life is hardly black and white and characteristics often shape one another – you cannot be one without the other. It’s how you handle ‘the other’ that makes the difference. Bad implies worthlessness. Most things have a worth, although you may have to bend your neck a bit to see it. Underdeveloped is a better label. If applied, it means your tendency to jump from one topic to another, when viewed as underdeveloped, suggests the possibility that you can mature the impulse and use it to your advantage. For example, you can use it to broaden your skill-set rather than quitting.

Your tendency to jump and aboard ships may be a defense mechanism for your ego. But, long-term, it’s more damaging than the hurt that comes with failure should you stick with one thing that didn’t work out.

Why is failure such a scary thing to us?

You are a tree.

Your characteristics, personality, likes and dislikes are the branches. The leaves that sprout are the efforts you exert to achieve what you want guided by these branches. The fruit that bloom are the result of your efforts.

Now I’ll dive into rambling:

The reason I want to code is because it touches on these things:

  • It allows, financially, for a comfortable lifestyle
  • It allows, personally, for a at home lifestyle
  • It allows, creatively, for me to actualize ideas
  • It allows, intellectually, a continuous need for trial and error, learning and doing

My heart, though, yearns for music and writing.

I’m not good at it, yet. I’m not sure I’ll ever be. But, only with music and writing about love stories give me the knots and quicken heart beats that bring me joy. I’ve never tried, though. I’ve never gone through the obstacles and frustrations that come with creating like this.

And for that, this dream of mine can remain possible but most likely just a dream. Because in this form, it is a point to my ego, a ‘I could have if I tried and succeeded’ and for some reason, that is more appealing than failure.

Failure seems…like death…if it’s about something  you love. Failure seems like death, when it’s something you love. Because, where do you go from there? If all your life, you’ve had this one dream to realize that dream never noticed you. Who are you then? If not good at what you love?

Who are you, if you are not good at what you love.

Then the question is, why do you have to be good at something to love it? What is it that you really love? Is it the admiration or the work itself?

 

 

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