Follow me as I go on this trip down to places I shouldn’t go too often. It’s going to be relieving and so damaging.
I have egg whites smothered with cheddar cheese and avocado on top. A bowl of warm queso cheese to pair with barbecue chips, and last but most likely not all, I have Kaitlyn’s forgotten snack pack of a healthy serving of cheese and ham. Already devoured was a cold pork loin left over from two nights earlier. My intent is obvious being so indifferent to the coldness as I hurriedly turn the slab of meat into a dose of medicine in my stomach. If it were a normal day and I weren’t alone, I would have warmed it up to enhance the taste.
Around me is darkness as I listen to the rain pound on the skylight. Thunder and lightning comfort me with every strike, telling me today was meant to be a day of binging. I’m nestled on the edge of the couch, it’s time. `
Excitement riddles me just by looking at the food. I know soon I will get an instant hit of happiness, and I know not long after that, a day filled with despair awaits.
As I consume, I’m trying hard to pinpoint my criminal thoughts that lead me to this binge. But, my mind is clouded by something that hinders me from thinking clearly. Maybe at this point, the criminal thoughts are too deeply embedded, as if it once traveled at the speed of light and now my addiction is the succeeding sound that perpetually echo to remind me of who I want to be but can never be. Maybe it’ll always be a part of me, something I can’t ever fix. Like the dark brown eyes I see through. Can I live with that? – my addiction, not my brown eyes, I’ve already learned to love that.
It is now that I am naked. The rain stopped pouring, sadly. I’ve eaten up all I’ve wanted and strangely it wasn’t a lot. This addiction is what separates me from myself and those I care for. I can never feel truly understood since I keep myself hidden around them and I only strip down when no one is around. One day I will perish, and I will take with me the torment and the lessons – since I only strip down when no one is around. That realization depresses me. What’s the point of this misery if it goes unnoticed? What’s the point of affliction if the fruits of rumination doesn’t connect or help another poor girl.
I stopped reflecting because Cheeto was gnawing at his paw obsessively. I picked him up to see what was wrong, I nestled him and put pressure on his paw where it was drenched with his spit. He was just like me, obsessive and addicted to the feeling of relief. Even though I try to console him and comfort him, he cannot tell me if I’ve made him feel better just as I’m at a lost for what to do for my own addiction.
God. This trip I’ve taken is dangerous. I cannot open my mind up to enlightening thoughts without letting through the dark thoughts that may be detrimental to my well being. Perhaps they are intertwined and dependent on each other to survive, my yin and my yang, likely that my rewarding imaginations blossomed from the desolation I felt growing up. The stories and images I saw were another reality that I escaped into, that I could control…
Escape. That’s a telling word. Perhaps since the beginning of my consciousness I’ve been directed by the need to escape. Hence my writing, hence my binging, hence my quitting, hence my running, and hence my loving.
I’m hopeful by the epiphany, that I probably knew all along. The next pages were left blank with only a single question printed to announce a new chapter.
“What, then, have you been escaping from?”
By now the sun is seeping through gray clouds, lighting up the darkness around me. Perfect timing.