Instant Gratification

Ok, I realize I have a terrible time waiting for what I want. Which is ridiculous because what I want and don’t want are often the same thing depending on when you ask me. Instant gratification is like a drug to me. It’s confirmation and validation that I am doing right and doing good. Without it, I feel lost and conflicted. It’s the reason I feel uneasy in social situations, antsy after a phone interview, and impatient about slimming down. Those situations are open ended, there are no ‘yes that was the right thing to say’ or ‘no try something else’. Instead I have to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and over-analyzing of everything and everyone.  I run to food because it is gratifying instantly. It’s the hand that pats me and says ‘everything’s going to be ok’. At the root of eating lots of good food, is a great feeling. It’s the release of endorphin that I am desperately seeking.

There have been moments recently where I realize I can sit still. After the phone interview yesterday I felt very unsettled. My mind was racing, there was no gratification and no closure. Typically, in these situations I run to food for it to tell me it’s ok. But I didn’t. I ate an apple and went to work at the salon. Work, though, was sad. I wasn’t talkative and I knew it’s because I let myself be vulnerable with the interview and know it’s not going to be in my favor. But! With or without food, everything’s going to be ok. The food makes no difference. I must live with what I perceive as failure and then move on.

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I went on a run this morning.

Running is my best friend. She’s been by my side since middle school when I need a shot of endorphin. While running, I came to the conclusion that I will not let anyone burst my bubble. I had a dream, I have a dream. Perhaps the “no’s” in life is there to lead me to the right “yes’s”. I really do believe in that.

When there is failure, it’s ok to wallow for a little bit. It sucks to put myself out there only to be told no. I’m not going to force myself to feel happy-go-lucky. Yes I was quite at work and seemingly depressed, but damn it, that’s my way of coping with something I perceived as a bad representation of myself. I am going to feel the way my body wants to feel, but I will not trash talk my value or worth. And the good thing to remind myself is that who ever is saying no is not the most important person in the world. He or she is just another person like me who had to make a decision.

Anyways, the conclusion for my rant is:

  • Sit without instant gratification. Welcome uncertainty and the uneasy feeling that goes along with that
  • With or without food, I will survive
  • I will not let anyone burst my bubble
  • Write those books
  • Onward and Upward!
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The Interview and Moving Forward

I had an interview today with AllBox for their campaign writing position. During the interview, I was not nervous so that’s a win. But I did not sell myself enough to make them value me. They said they’ll let me know next week of their decision.

I did not want this job initially. I was adoment about writing but the more I learned about it the more I wanted it.

I hand this over to time because only he can tell what the future holds. 

IF I get the job, pat on my back. IF I don’t get the job, I’ll take it as a sign to move forward, no, charge forward with writing. I will read full time and write. Either way, there’s no failures here.

 

Fluff Love

Love.

I wish to have it and to feel it. So much so that I think every man I’m slightly attracted to could be the one. This tendency is nothing new. I’ve always been a day dreamer, especially when it comes to love.

I’m determined to find it and to keep it, and if I don’t feel it – I mean, really feel it – then I rather have nothing at all. I’m fine by myself. If someone was to be my other ‘half’, he has to be worth it. If not worth it, I cannot commit myself to another in case he does show up and I’m unavailable. If he does show up at all.

Here’s an example of my obsession with love.

I met a man.

Around the time I broke things off with Luke. My wandering eye, wandering mind and interest in another was reason enough to. My gut has always told me Luke was not the one, which meant, ‘the one’ was still out there somewhere while I lived inside my lie.

Anyways, I met a man at the dog park. His name was Michael. He had dark brown, almost red hair. Styled modernly with a distinct parting on the side. His eyes were blue, or were they green? I couldn’t tell exactly. He had black pants and a black hoodie on. On the back of the hoodie was verbiage about Veterans something something…

I sat on the grass for a good 20 minutes before coming near to him. I had been watching him play fetch with his french bulldog and german shepard (which I later learned were named Comrade and Sergeant). I made conversation with him, and he was open and affable. I didn’t say too much about myself, like I seldom do when I meet people. I just let them talk about themselves because that’s usually the person’s favorite topic. Just look at my blog devoted to me.

He showed me a tattoo on his arm of Comrade, his frenchie. He said he took the hinges off the doors at home so the dogs can run around and around. His dream was to go to Colorado and train dogs for service, military I believe. He emphasized that it was just a dream of his. Me, being a  promoter of doing what you love, internally yelled ‘you can do it!’. But of course, I didn’t say it out loud. Saying things like that out loud makes one seem naive. Anyways. I left first, as I usually try to do when in company of an attractive man. I hated being the one to be left. I fear the emptiness they leave behind, and I fear my consciousness will follow the person. The last thing I remember was his comment on the white fluff in the air from a near by Poplar tree. He commented on how pretty it was.

Later that afternoon, white fluff floated through my backyard, and I thought of him. I’ve thought of him quite frequently actually.White fluff is a common thing during this season too.

I know he is not the one. There were things about him that that confirmed my knowledge. But.

I still think of him. And that short lived moment in the dog park.

In my life, I’ve fallen head over heels for two other men. One being BFFB, my best friends older brother, and the other being OIB, who at the time was so smart and charming to me. Both I never truly went after. Both, I gave myself to and built up my walls to protect my ego when I felt the attraction wasn’t returned.

Interestingly, both I’ve never really got to know. I had a similar attraction to Luke when we began, before the gut doubt came about. I thought he had qualities I’ve always wanted, and thought he was actually the one. But, the more I got to know him, the more I realized things weren’t going to work out. So, I leave these guys I am head over heels for in mystery. If I had pursued them, I probably would have knocked them off their pedestal and moved on.

Perhaps that’s the lesson here. No matter how beautiful the man is, don’t be discouraged if you are interested in him. In getting to know him, his insides might not be as beautiful as his outsides, and that’s when you know to move on. Knock the pretty boys off their pedestal – but fairly.

This time around, I’m hungry for the chase. I’m hungry to go after someone I am attracted to, to learn about them, and to share about myself. I am taking down the ego wall and am ready for rejection. Rejection is proof that you made the effort instead of hiding scared behind your ego wall. This is me facing the darkness point blank, not looking away. Staring back at me, one day, will be the eyes of the one I love.

Life: Now or Later

We’re all dying.

what we did yesterday, do today, will tomorrow doesn’t matter. One day humans will no longer rule the earth. Our blood, sweat, and tears have no affect on the universe and all will be forgotten eventually.

Nothing will matter – the fight you had with you sister, the laughter you shared with your best friend, the money you donated to the local animal shelter, and the overtime you continuously give to your employer. Nothing will be remembered.

In the picture below. You use to work in that tall building where you walked to every day. Now it’s all in ruins. And you, have been dead for 100 years.

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Why do we push forward with life as if we are something special knowing full well of our true insignificance?

If nothing matters (in the long run) why try?

If we’re all going to die, why continue?

Why run and eat healthy when we’re all going to get dementia with saggy skin?

Sounds depressing, but really, I’m not trying to be. It’s an honest question. I ask it as a way to push myself to live to the fullest instead of being in a perpetual state of stopping my productivity by asking myself ‘why when it doesn’t matter’.

3D white people. Psychologist
Dr. BoBylan back at it again with a deep dive

If in the long LONG run what we do all results to be insignificant, than why do we continue?

To be honest, this questions comes up when I am in a position where I am not happy: a stressful job, an unsatisfactory relationship, restrictive diet, intensive workout regime, and when I think about my future in terms of my career.

I think ‘WHY AM I SUBJECTING MYSELF TO UNHAPPINESS WHEN LIFE IS SHORT’ whilst working at a stressful job.

But now that I’m in a low stress low pay job, I get the feeling of ‘WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE, MY OLD AGE IS GOING TO BE A STRUGGLE’.

So the stress here is what will be my career for the next 50 years and will I be able to retire comfortably.

For a low stress present, I possibly forfeited a comfortable future. Today I signed up for a Roth IRA account and made myself feel a little better about the future.

The purpose of life for me is to live a life where I have space to be happy and to be able to do things that make me feel happy. Long run doesn’t matter because we all die, but since I’ve agreed to live out my life as in not killing myself, I owe it to myself to live the life I want for the short period that I am here. But, I also owe it to myself to be responsible and think about my old age. Who will take care of me? Will I have enough money to live comfortably? Also, the purpose of my life is to love. I have friends that I love, now I want a man I can love whole heartedly.

I’ve never done so before. And it’s something I’ve always wanted since middle school, a whole hearted love.

I feel I peaked early driven by other’s expectations. I used up a lot of energy doing well in school while fighting an unhappy childhood. Now, I’m living for me. It feels great on one hand, but on the other hand, the responsibility is greater to not be a fuck up. I always thought I didn’t have high expectations out of myself…so it’s only right that now that it’s all up to me that here I am.

I’m in a better place than I was a year ago, even though it may feel like a backward step for my career. I feel good.

I’m still in an exploration mode.

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Paul Rudd and Grit

I woke up feeling crazy. Legit crazy. I’m smoking cigarettes, there’s a scratchy feeling in my throat. I’ve adopted a puppy, I’ve broken up with Luke, I’m binge eating, and I’m seemingly directionless.

I feel like I am crazy… but…

for the first time in my life, I don’t feel depressed when I’m in this mode. Maybe it’s because of the realization that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone anymore. No more to my parents, to my sister, or my old boss Steve. I’m a 26 year-old aspiring writer working part time as a nail technician. I don’t feel a familiar sinking feeling that tells me I’m doing something wrong with my life. Instead, the feeling tells me I’m not doing the best I can with writing.

Keep moving forward.

Keep moving forward…

But really, we’re all walking towards the same direction so it’s important to find a reason/purpose to walk happily and confidently.

I listened to Freakanomic’s podcast about Grit. I am going to listen to it again. Basically, Grit is one’s ability to move forward with what they are interested in through even the most challenging parts. I’ll let it be known that my grit level is very very low.

I hate that.

My goal is to develop grit on being gritty. I know I’m suppose to be a feminist and brush off my desire to have a great man in my life. I’m suppose to write, I don’t need a man to make me happy. I’m independent, yada yada.

Truth is, I’ve always been a romantic. I love love. I would like a great man in my life, a handsome one that I don’t mind looking at first thing in the morning. A successful, strong, confident man. A funny man, outgoing man. Open minded man.

And that’s why, I’m going to get healthy.

Last night I watched Clueless and Paul Rudd was oh so adorably perfect. I want a Paul Rudd in my life.

Is it bad to want to get healthy because I want to attract a great man? What if I do and I go back to being the saggy boobed, greasy hair, morning breath, overweight me?

How about, I want to be healthy for myself because: 1) It will help me develop grit 2) It will reduce my morning anxieties 3) I’ll be a better mother to my pups.

I want to be healthy for Paul Rudd because: 1) I’ll get to see a perfect face every morning 2) I’ll be energized for romping and for our dates 3) He’ll need someone confident by his side.

Now I write all this knowing perfectly well that nothing you expect out of the future ever works out the way you want – ESPECIALLY LOVE. But a girl can dream to motivate herself…

 

 

My Little Jester and the Letter

Meet Jester, my four month old lab mixed with *I think* pointer.

I adopted him from Unleashed pet rescue in Mission, Kansas. I had no intentions of adopting a puppy but he snagged my heart the moment he walked in slowly with his forehead leading the way and his puppy eyes looking up at Hana and I.

He came from a foster home where his parents were kept and he was the only of his litter to not be adopted.

I took him to Penn Valley Dogpark yesterday with, his older brother. At first he was timid and afraid of the other dogs, but sporadically he would burst into play with dogs his size. He’s going to be a fun little guy.

I am hoping that he becomes a big guy, but judging by the size of his paws, he might be lab size or a little smaller. I have full intentions of socializing him enough to where he is comfortable with playing with other dogs.

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Luke left a letter on my windshield the day I adopted Jester. Not yet a week since we broke up. It almost deterred me from going through with adopting. My mind was waffling – should I get back with him? Is adopting a dog just a way to fill the void? Am I making a huge decision too impulsively?

The letter he wrote filled the front and 1/3 of the back of the paper. His handwriting was small and straight on the paper. He wrote that he missed me and he dreamed of me. He wrote he realized why we broke up and what I was trying to say. That he understood what I meant by wanting someone more encouraging and energetic.

Perhaps I should have just discussed it with him before breaking up. But the issues I had seemed more characteristic driven, not something I would want to change in someone if that’s not them.

In attempts to discuss before, he got defensive and shrugged his shoulder saying “that’s how I am”.  That’s a common theme with him, he gets defensive when I point out something with him. Even at my request for him to not follow cars too closely because the stopping and going made me nauseous he was defensive about, like “I can’t drive any other way”. But, he did drive slower and was more mindful.

I acknowledge my tendency to point things out and it could get annoying, and I’ve talked to him about it. But, still, there are times I feel I should be able to point things out and we can talk about it rather than him just shrugging his should passive aggressively and say ‘that is how I am’. He did adapt to what I wanted, but it was done without the intention of being kind.

In one of our bigger arguments, he yelled loudly at me, reminding me of a child not getting his way, that I always nit pick him and have issues with ‘everything’ he does when he never nit picks me. It is true that he never does me, and the fact that he felt I had an issue with ‘everything’ he did is sign enough that our joint path was not going to work. At least right now.

We started arguing, he yelling at me, I probably yelled at him. I demanded he drop me off and we didn’t spend the night together. That was one of our bigger fight, a battle of our characteristics and judgement of each other.

I’m painting him in a terrible light, mostly because I want to feel less guilty and regretful of our broken relationship. These were things, though, that were red flags to me. None of which makes him a bad person, but that us together was not a good match.

BUT, I’ll end the rant.

The letter was sweet, but I’m no fool to my indecisive emotions. I know what I want. I went through the adoption, and today is day 2 of having Baby Jester.

I intend to take Jester on his 2nd dog park trip this afternoon. Pictures to come!

Let it Burn

Fire therapy. Feels good to watch my self doubts go up in flames.

First doubt: I made the wrong decision leaving Luke.

  • Regret is normal to feel
  • I want someone who passes the “Traffic Test”

The Traffic Test is passed when I’m finishing up a hangout with someone and one of us is driving the other back home or back to their car, and I find myself rooting for traffic. That’s how much I’m enjoying the time with them

source here

Second doubt: I’ll never be a good writer

  • I’m  going to take a writing course to help with my first novel
  • Whether or not I am good does not matter. What matters is that I do write. And I do it everyday.

One area where I think we are especially distinctive is failure. I believe we are the best place in the world to fail (we have plenty of practice!), and failure and invention are inseparable twins. To invent you have to experiment, and if you know in advance that it’s going to work, it’s not an experiment. Most large organizations embrace the idea of invention, but are not willing to suffer the string of failed experiments necessary to get there.

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  • Writers are engineers and inventors of the imaginary world

Third doubt: I’m going nowhere with my life

  • That could be very well true if I let it. It’ll take self growth and commitment to not stay stagnant.

I’m still reeling from the break up, still stuffing my face to make me feel better. But I’m not incredibly sad to where I need to see a counselor (at least not yet). Yesterday, I even mowed the front yard! Back yard is still TBD… A new change to come soon is an adoption of a dog. I’ve been wanting a new dog for years now and I feel right now is a good time. Something new will help sift up the places of old memories. I’m very excited for my old man to have a new brother and for rommies dog to have a playmate. And for me to share my love with a new dog.

Updates to come!