Choices

He said before he met me, he knew what he wanted out of life. He just found a way to fit me in it. Then, he asked me the same.

“Do you know what you want out of life?”

I didn’t have an immediate answer.

“You don’t have to answer it. You just have to ask yourself, if I fit in it.”

That triggered another bought of tears, because, I didn’t know. His calmness and compassion towards my pain made it all the harder. I’ve been engrossed with thoughts of leaving him for a week now. And I couldn’t hide it on my face as we laid together.

What he wants out of life is a family to come home to after a hard day of work. He didn’t expect his wife to work if she didn’t have to, a comfy couch, and good television. A year ago, that would have been an exact answer of mine. But, my heart is yearning for something deeper now.

That unfulfilled room in my heart has been draining more and more each day.

“I am conflicted” I finally said after contemplating if tonight was the night,

“You are giving me your all and are in this 100% while I’m – ” it took me a couple tries to finish, “while I’m not certain about how I feel towards you. I’m not 100%”.

And suddenly, all the movies about a yearning that isn’t satisfied by the current partner makes sense (specifically Take This Waltz). I use to think, the unsatisfied partner stupid for wanting something they don’t have and ignoring the great qualities in someone they do have.

Luke has been nothing but kind and committed towards me. Thoughtful, a great listener, he loves dogs and cats as I do, he’s dependable, and he’s there. He doesn’t come with a lot of emotional baggage. He has compassion.

But I can’t fight off this feeling that we don’t speak the same language. I’m not talking about language in a conventional sense. I mean, when we talk, I don’t get a feeling that words can’t describe. I don’t feel passion. I don’t mean with sex, but with life.

Maybe it’s admiration I want to feel, or I don’t feel understood when we talk.

It boils down to his incurious nature. He only touches the surface of topics and is unable to dive deeper to explore more while I’m yearning for deeper conversation on the meaning of life and events.

Life is an exploration…but he’s content with just the surface.

So, I’m in a fight between understanding my feelings. Is it silly and too much of me to want more? Or do I follow my heart and let him go. Do I love him while we sit on the surface and I dive deeper alone into the intricacies of life knowing he’ll be waiting for my resurface? Or do I leave him and go in search for someone who is capable of diving with me?

Breaking up feels like any other challenge in life. In the beginning, you feel heated and certain it’s the right thing. Then when you’re at the brink of it, you falter and question if you can follow through and begin to question yourself.

I don’t have an answer for any of this and I don’t have any dramatic action planned. Time does have all the answers, but I’ll have to wait for her.

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