As the title says, tonight I am having my breakup binge. I’ve been eating non-stop today. This morning I started light but, as it usually goes during these times, it gets heavy by end of day until I am uncomfortably full going to bed.
I’ve been single for four days now but I’ve been binging before the breakup. It’s my body’s way of telling me something is wrong. The issue I have is I don’t know how to make it feel right. Even working out and eating well seems like I’m pretending everything’s okay. Binging is quick gratification when I feel really down.
I don’t mind being single. I was single for years before I got together with Luke. I’m in mourning over our relationship. I was the one to end things for reasons I know in my heart was right, but I still grieve over our shared moments and guilty over breaking his heart.
So, I’m sitting here watching Leap Year with my roommate. I’ve had multiple serving of Pho and we just took a trip to the gas station. I got a chocolate donut, sour worms, and a monster beef jerky. The shame is to come but right now I feel ok.
Everytime I see something of Luke’s I get sad. I think of all the things he did for me and how thoughtful he is. But I remind myself of the constant doubt I felt and the hole he couldn’t fill because we weren’t on the same wave length.
This article below really helped me put into perspective why I broke up with him:
I hope to be whole again. And not to rely on my addiction to feel good. I don’t know if that will every happen but at least I feel like I’m moving forward. That’s what is important.