I woke up feeling crazy. Legit crazy. I’m smoking cigarettes, there’s a scratchy feeling in my throat. I’ve adopted a puppy, I’ve broken up with Luke, I’m binge eating, and I’m seemingly directionless.
I feel like I am crazy… but…
for the first time in my life, I don’t feel depressed when I’m in this mode. Maybe it’s because of the realization that I don’t have to prove myself to anyone anymore. No more to my parents, to my sister, or my old boss Steve. I’m a 26 year-old aspiring writer working part time as a nail technician. I don’t feel a familiar sinking feeling that tells me I’m doing something wrong with my life. Instead, the feeling tells me I’m not doing the best I can with writing.
Keep moving forward.
Keep moving forward…
But really, we’re all walking towards the same direction so it’s important to find a reason/purpose to walk happily and confidently.
I listened to Freakanomic’s podcast about Grit. I am going to listen to it again. Basically, Grit is one’s ability to move forward with what they are interested in through even the most challenging parts. I’ll let it be known that my grit level is very very low.
I hate that.
My goal is to develop grit on being gritty. I know I’m suppose to be a feminist and brush off my desire to have a great man in my life. I’m suppose to write, I don’t need a man to make me happy. I’m independent, yada yada.
Truth is, I’ve always been a romantic. I love love. I would like a great man in my life, a handsome one that I don’t mind looking at first thing in the morning. A successful, strong, confident man. A funny man, outgoing man. Open minded man.
And that’s why, I’m going to get healthy.
Last night I watched Clueless and Paul Rudd was oh so adorably perfect. I want a Paul Rudd in my life.
Is it bad to want to get healthy because I want to attract a great man? What if I do and I go back to being the saggy boobed, greasy hair, morning breath, overweight me?
How about, I want to be healthy for myself because: 1) It will help me develop grit 2) It will reduce my morning anxieties 3) I’ll be a better mother to my pups.
I want to be healthy for Paul Rudd because: 1) I’ll get to see a perfect face every morning 2) I’ll be energized for romping and for our dates 3) He’ll need someone confident by his side.
Now I write all this knowing perfectly well that nothing you expect out of the future ever works out the way you want – ESPECIALLY LOVE. But a girl can dream to motivate herself…