I wish to have it and to feel it. So much so that I think every man I’m slightly attracted to could be the one. This tendency is nothing new. I’ve always been a day dreamer, especially when it comes to love.
I’m determined to find it and to keep it, and if I don’t feel it – I mean, really feel it – then I rather have nothing at all. I’m fine by myself. If someone was to be my other ‘half’, he has to be worth it. If not worth it, I cannot commit myself to another in case he does show up and I’m unavailable. If he does show up at all.
Here’s an example of my obsession with love.
I met a man.
Around the time I broke things off with Luke. My wandering eye, wandering mind and interest in another was reason enough to. My gut has always told me Luke was not the one, which meant, ‘the one’ was still out there somewhere while I lived inside my lie.
Anyways, I met a man at the dog park. His name was Michael. He had dark brown, almost red hair. Styled modernly with a distinct parting on the side. His eyes were blue, or were they green? I couldn’t tell exactly. He had black pants and a black hoodie on. On the back of the hoodie was verbiage about Veterans something something…
I sat on the grass for a good 20 minutes before coming near to him. I had been watching him play fetch with his french bulldog and german shepard (which I later learned were named Comrade and Sergeant). I made conversation with him, and he was open and affable. I didn’t say too much about myself, like I seldom do when I meet people. I just let them talk about themselves because that’s usually the person’s favorite topic. Just look at my blog devoted to me.
He showed me a tattoo on his arm of Comrade, his frenchie. He said he took the hinges off the doors at home so the dogs can run around and around. His dream was to go to Colorado and train dogs for service, military I believe. He emphasized that it was just a dream of his. Me, being a promoter of doing what you love, internally yelled ‘you can do it!’. But of course, I didn’t say it out loud. Saying things like that out loud makes one seem naive. Anyways. I left first, as I usually try to do when in company of an attractive man. I hated being the one to be left. I fear the emptiness they leave behind, and I fear my consciousness will follow the person. The last thing I remember was his comment on the white fluff in the air from a near by Poplar tree. He commented on how pretty it was.
Later that afternoon, white fluff floated through my backyard, and I thought of him. I’ve thought of him quite frequently actually.White fluff is a common thing during this season too.
I know he is not the one. There were things about him that that confirmed my knowledge. But.
I still think of him. And that short lived moment in the dog park.
In my life, I’ve fallen head over heels for two other men. One being BFFB, my best friends older brother, and the other being OIB, who at the time was so smart and charming to me. Both I never truly went after. Both, I gave myself to and built up my walls to protect my ego when I felt the attraction wasn’t returned.
Interestingly, both I’ve never really got to know. I had a similar attraction to Luke when we began, before the gut doubt came about. I thought he had qualities I’ve always wanted, and thought he was actually the one. But, the more I got to know him, the more I realized things weren’t going to work out. So, I leave these guys I am head over heels for in mystery. If I had pursued them, I probably would have knocked them off their pedestal and moved on.
Perhaps that’s the lesson here. No matter how beautiful the man is, don’t be discouraged if you are interested in him. In getting to know him, his insides might not be as beautiful as his outsides, and that’s when you know to move on. Knock the pretty boys off their pedestal – but fairly.
This time around, I’m hungry for the chase. I’m hungry to go after someone I am attracted to, to learn about them, and to share about myself. I am taking down the ego wall and am ready for rejection. Rejection is proof that you made the effort instead of hiding scared behind your ego wall. This is me facing the darkness point blank, not looking away. Staring back at me, one day, will be the eyes of the one I love.