Ok, I realize I have a terrible time waiting for what I want. Which is ridiculous because what I want and don’t want are often the same thing depending on when you ask me. Instant gratification is like a drug to me. It’s confirmation and validation that I am doing right and doing good. Without it, I feel lost and conflicted. It’s the reason I feel uneasy in social situations, antsy after a phone interview, and impatient about slimming down. Those situations are open ended, there are no ‘yes that was the right thing to say’ or ‘no try something else’. Instead I have to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and over-analyzing of everything and everyone. I run to food because it is gratifying instantly. It’s the hand that pats me and says ‘everything’s going to be ok’. At the root of eating lots of good food, is a great feeling. It’s the release of endorphin that I am desperately seeking.
There have been moments recently where I realize I can sit still. After the phone interview yesterday I felt very unsettled. My mind was racing, there was no gratification and no closure. Typically, in these situations I run to food for it to tell me it’s ok. But I didn’t. I ate an apple and went to work at the salon. Work, though, was sad. I wasn’t talkative and I knew it’s because I let myself be vulnerable with the interview and know it’s not going to be in my favor. But! With or without food, everything’s going to be ok. The food makes no difference. I must live with what I perceive as failure and then move on.
I went on a run this morning.
Running is my best friend. She’s been by my side since middle school when I need a shot of endorphin. While running, I came to the conclusion that I will not let anyone burst my bubble. I had a dream, I have a dream. Perhaps the “no’s” in life is there to lead me to the right “yes’s”. I really do believe in that.
When there is failure, it’s ok to wallow for a little bit. It sucks to put myself out there only to be told no. I’m not going to force myself to feel happy-go-lucky. Yes I was quite at work and seemingly depressed, but damn it, that’s my way of coping with something I perceived as a bad representation of myself. I am going to feel the way my body wants to feel, but I will not trash talk my value or worth. And the good thing to remind myself is that who ever is saying no is not the most important person in the world. He or she is just another person like me who had to make a decision.
Anyways, the conclusion for my rant is:
- Sit without instant gratification. Welcome uncertainty and the uneasy feeling that goes along with that
- With or without food, I will survive
- I will not let anyone burst my bubble
- Write those books
- Onward and Upward!