Waiting for Mr. Right

I’ve been working out hard, losing my self to the idea that I needed to prep myself for the next meet up with my ex, who I realize I’m still in love with, and the Mr. Right that will poof out of thin air. I’ve been going out more to increase my chances of meeting people, thinking I look super fly. I’ve been wearing closer fitted clothes which I think subconsciously changes my personality a bit and probably makes those around me feel like I’m showing off.

I’ve been waiting for a Mr. Right that both isn’t going to come, and I’m not ready for him to come either. I also realized something about my ex and my obsession with him. He has focus power that I want. He is able to throw himself into his hobbies and self actualize that way. Whereas, I, at least recently, have been so boy crazy that it’s hijacked my head. He is teaching me to be humble without saying a word. His disregard of my affection makes me question why there is affection, what is it that I really like and what is it that I really want. It’s been quite profound actually.

I’ve hated on Billy on the past and now, but I’ve got no right to. I cannot be angry simply because he does not return my love. To be honest, in thinking back on it, I was very forward with him. I don’t think I made a mistake for doing so, because, that was who I was at that moment. But, from now till an uncertain time, I’m going to throw myself into learning guitar. I’ve been a bit overcasted. Loan kept trying to dig last night out of me why I’ve been looking so sad. I repeatedly told her I was fine. In my heart, there is a sadness, over my ex. But it’s a beautiful sadness, the kind Butter talks about in South Park. This sadness reminds me of the level of happiness I will be able to one day feel.

Also, I realize that I really am not special. It’s a curse on society when we continuously teach our kids they’re special. Being special implies one is better than the other. Instead, the thought should be that no one is special but all of us can do great things with great effort. Now even that isn’t a guarantee but I think it’s a better idea to get people working harder rather than relying on their ‘special-ness’.

So, an update on what I am working on and my motivations:

  1. Stop thinking I’m special, but know everyone can do great things with great effort
    1. Special implies given gifts instead of hard work
  2. Learn guitar
    1. To make music and have deep focus
  3. Be physically fit
    1. Energy and motivation to do things with people
  4. Not looking for Mr. Right
    1. There is no Mr. Right until I create my own awesome life

I do not want to lose myself in my appearances. I want to lose myself in music rather. I’ll mourn over my ex and my hurt ego, but that’s as much as I’ll give to romantic love right now.

I’m off to the gym. I will do 5 miles on the treadmill, then a swim afterwards. Go hard then go home 😀

 

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Rejections

Hello you. It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my life, and a while since I’ve used writing to figure things out. I want to write this morning to feel better, not that I feel incredibly shitty – at least not yet. That’s where you come in! To stop me from falling on my face.

When I started this journey, I had no idea what to expect. The first step to ‘doing me’ was quitting 40Digits. Then it was breaking up with Kevin. Followed by getting fit (which I am doing wonderfully and am looking mighty fine if I can say so myself). A midst that, I hooked back up with my ex, and going out almost every weekend. I am having, what I can say, is the time of my life. But having the time of one’s life also comes with pitfalls. Having the time of one’s life means you are putting yourself out there into the world, and that is a very vulnerable act.

I am writing because I want to know something. It’s probably one of the most common questions. Why are rejections such a HUGE deal? I ask because I feel it. Some context being I texted my ex but got no response back. Of course the rational side of me tells me I have no idea why he didn’t and I shouldn’t take it personal. The other side is dragged a bit down from my high horse and fills in the blanks with negativity. Also, another moment is when I actually danced with a very attractive white man that some would consider ‘popular’ or ‘frat like’. I was taken back to high school days when I so desperately wanted to blend in and he was someone I could never have gotten the attention of. When he approached Sam and I, I immediately felt insecure. Then I thought to myself, ‘To hell with the insecurities!’ and danced with him. Throughout our tango, I kept going between ‘I’m not as attractive as him and he’s probably rating me as a 5’ and ‘have fun Vien! It doesn’t matter what he thinks’. That is the materialization of the fear of rejection. And lack of confidence.

So, again, I ask, why are rejections such a HUGE deal? It’s interesting to think about. Putting yourself out into the world is a great big step. It’s scary, it’s unpredictably, and it’s a hell of a roller coaster ride. Rejection is the materialization of your mother telling you that you should never have done it, a ‘see what I told you?’. But, why is it so hurtful and painful and regreteable? I ask and I ask, because, I don’t want rejection to be all those things.

When I started this journey, I wanted to face the darkness. I wanted to feel the heartbreak, to fall head over heels in love with someone, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to turn friends into family, I wanted to test my physical strengths, I want all out of life what it can give me. The only way to do that, though, is to face the darkness. Be a-okay with rejections. To know my worth regardless of what others value me at. Inside and out. I am beautiful and strong. I sometimes do the dumbest shit, but sometimes I do it right.

Anyways, the question I will ponder today is why the fear of rejection is so great. What are it’s hinderences and how can I use it towards reaching my goals. Wait, what are my goals. Currently, a quick list looks like this:

  1. Fitness
  2. Live fearlessly
  3. Healthy relationships

Not too bad. It’s not the typical ‘I want to be a CEO within 3 years’ type thing. It’s more…intimate.

Well. I’m off for a run…

Truth of Last Night

So I did drunk text my ex last night. I did feel desperate to get away. And I had an alright time with my girls. I threw up at the first bar we went to because I didn’t eat enough before going out. It was a terrible feeling. I didn’t enjoy myself because my head is in its routine dose of chaos. I’ve been feeling unbalanced. I’m reading body language to be as valid as words. Overthinking. I became very annoyed with some friends. I wasn’t the planner of the party but I guess I should have assumed that role instead of asking for what everyone wants to do. Because not everyone put their two cents in yet had complaints of an unplanned night. It was like I couldn’t please everyone. I’ve been feeling like an outcast here this week. And I know it’s all in my head. That’s both the good and bad. The good is that I know I can change my thinking. The bad is that I think that at all. I think I’m just hormonal. Also Loan mentioned hooking Kevin up with another of her girlfriends, which really affected more than I thought it would. 

I’m missing a man in my life. I know. I’m suppose to be independent and ‘I don’t need no man’ type. But the fact is that I’m such a romantic that I want a man. A good man. I’m in love with love…but it has to be the right love. Right now I’m wrapped up in sparse texts to my first ex while trying hard not to miss Kevin. Mr. Right, where are you?

The Guilty Update

I haven’t been updating the blog because I haven’t been exactly proud of myself. I’ve been desperate…embarrassingly so. Towards my ex that is. Yes, THE ex, the one I wrote The Host about. The one that I swore I would never let back in to do any more damage.

Well…I let him back in. The first night was wonderful…then came a slew of unrequited text messages (to him) that ended up with him picking me up from Westport the second night we saw each other. He was acting paranoid – he didn’t let me change music on his phone, and he kept changing the song I liked. The night was VERY unsatisfying (sexually, it was all about him). It reminded me of the selfish boy I stupidly fell for. Life is an unfair experience. I have Kevin who throws himself at me, then I have my first ex who I seem to be throwing myself at.

I always thought that I was his ‘one that got away’ but I’ve been a fool. I seem to throw invitations and initiations at him that just hit blank space. On one hand his rejections could be extremely valid, on the other hand, I should take a hint and take the high road. An example of the unrequited invitation:

Last night I wanted to get away from my roommates. I’ve been in a pissy mood. I think my menstrual cycle has something to do with it. I decided to text my ex to get a drink. After about 40 minutes he finally replied saying “I’m tired from training, calling it in early tonight.” After that, I gave myself over to the moment with my roommates and it felt good. We watched the Bachelorette and I lost track of time. I didn’t think of my ex anymore.

Now, I know in no way will we get back together. He is not a good boyfriend nor is he the outgoing personality that I am seeking. But, I’m drawn to him. Maybe I’m drawn to the familiar feeling of being unwanted. That I am crave victimhood…

I cannot stop thinking about him. And I desperately want to know why. I also want to desperately stop. But, this is what I was seeking…this heartbreak. how justifying right? It’s not heart break that I’m feeling really, it’s more like revisiting an old room of someone who has passed.

Anyways. It had been a while since I’ve written and I was hoping writing about this would make me feel better.

Tonight I’m going out with my girls. I will NOT drunk text ANY exes. I will NOT drink too much. And I will NOT be desperate. I WILL have a great time.

 

Doing bad feeling good

Is it bad to let go of a relationship that felt pure on paper?

Is it bad to hook up with your first boyfriend because you needed release and its been a while?

Is it bad to daydream about your best friends older brother who you’ve had a fling with? Who’s now single?

Is it bad to think you’re hot shit just because you started running again?

And that job you were certain you weren’t getting…is it bad to be big headed after getting the job offer?

I feel I should feel bad. Like I must prepare for the dirt that will shower me to remind me that I am a nobody and happiness…true happiness isn’t something achievable by the likes of me. My actions and daydreams are pompous and makes me a terrible person. Something will blow up in my face. I’ll fall for my booty call/ex boyfriend, I’ll fall off the run wagon, the job offer will somehow retract itself.

Even in my strongest moments, I am weakened by doubt.

Nothing good ever lasts. Is confidence one of them?

Confidence is not a hazard. Its exploration of new frontiers. Confidence is not proving to others who you think you are, but actually being who you are without needing to convince others.