The Guilty Update

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I haven’t been updating the blog because I haven’t been exactly proud of myself. I’ve been desperate…embarrassingly so. Towards my ex that is. Yes, THE ex, the one I wrote The Host about. The one that I swore I would never let back in to do any more damage.

Well…I let him back in. The first night was wonderful…then came a slew of unrequited text messages (to him) that ended up with him picking me up from Westport the second night we saw each other. He was acting paranoid – he didn’t let me change music on his phone, and he kept changing the song I liked. The night was VERY unsatisfying (sexually, it was all about him). It reminded me of the selfish boy I stupidly fell for. Life is an unfair experience. I have Kevin who throws himself at me, then I have my first ex who I seem to be throwing myself at.

I always thought that I was his ‘one that got away’ but I’ve been a fool. I seem to throw invitations and initiations at him that just hit blank space. On one hand his rejections could be extremely valid, on the other hand, I should take a hint and take the high road. An example of the unrequited invitation:

Last night I wanted to get away from my roommates. I’ve been in a pissy mood. I think my menstrual cycle has something to do with it. I decided to text my ex to get a drink. After about 40 minutes he finally replied saying “I’m tired from training, calling it in early tonight.” After that, I gave myself over to the moment with my roommates and it felt good. We watched the Bachelorette and I lost track of time. I didn’t think of my ex anymore.

Now, I know in no way will we get back together. He is not a good boyfriend nor is he the outgoing personality that I am seeking. But, I’m drawn to him. Maybe I’m drawn to the familiar feeling of being unwanted. That I am crave victimhood…

I cannot stop thinking about him. And I desperately want to know why. I also want to desperately stop. But, this is what I was seeking…this heartbreak. how justifying right? It’s not heart break that I’m feeling really, it’s more like revisiting an old room of someone who has passed.

Anyways. It had been a while since I’ve written and I was hoping writing about this would make me feel better.

Tonight I’m going out with my girls. I will NOT drunk text ANY exes. I will NOT drink too much. And I will NOT be desperate. I WILL have a great time.

 

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