Hello you. It’s been a while since I’ve updated you on my life, and a while since I’ve used writing to figure things out. I want to write this morning to feel better, not that I feel incredibly shitty – at least not yet. That’s where you come in! To stop me from falling on my face.
When I started this journey, I had no idea what to expect. The first step to ‘doing me’ was quitting 40Digits. Then it was breaking up with Kevin. Followed by getting fit (which I am doing wonderfully and am looking mighty fine if I can say so myself). A midst that, I hooked back up with my ex, and going out almost every weekend. I am having, what I can say, is the time of my life. But having the time of one’s life also comes with pitfalls. Having the time of one’s life means you are putting yourself out there into the world, and that is a very vulnerable act.
I am writing because I want to know something. It’s probably one of the most common questions. Why are rejections such a HUGE deal? I ask because I feel it. Some context being I texted my ex but got no response back. Of course the rational side of me tells me I have no idea why he didn’t and I shouldn’t take it personal. The other side is dragged a bit down from my high horse and fills in the blanks with negativity. Also, another moment is when I actually danced with a very attractive white man that some would consider ‘popular’ or ‘frat like’. I was taken back to high school days when I so desperately wanted to blend in and he was someone I could never have gotten the attention of. When he approached Sam and I, I immediately felt insecure. Then I thought to myself, ‘To hell with the insecurities!’ and danced with him. Throughout our tango, I kept going between ‘I’m not as attractive as him and he’s probably rating me as a 5’ and ‘have fun Vien! It doesn’t matter what he thinks’. That is the materialization of the fear of rejection. And lack of confidence.
So, again, I ask, why are rejections such a HUGE deal? It’s interesting to think about. Putting yourself out into the world is a great big step. It’s scary, it’s unpredictably, and it’s a hell of a roller coaster ride. Rejection is the materialization of your mother telling you that you should never have done it, a ‘see what I told you?’. But, why is it so hurtful and painful and regreteable? I ask and I ask, because, I don’t want rejection to be all those things.
When I started this journey, I wanted to face the darkness. I wanted to feel the heartbreak, to fall head over heels in love with someone, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to turn friends into family, I wanted to test my physical strengths, I want all out of life what it can give me. The only way to do that, though, is to face the darkness. Be a-okay with rejections. To know my worth regardless of what others value me at. Inside and out. I am beautiful and strong. I sometimes do the dumbest shit, but sometimes I do it right.
Anyways, the question I will ponder today is why the fear of rejection is so great. What are it’s hinderences and how can I use it towards reaching my goals. Wait, what are my goals. Currently, a quick list looks like this:
- Live fearlessly
- Healthy relationships
Not too bad. It’s not the typical ‘I want to be a CEO within 3 years’ type thing. It’s more…intimate.
Well. I’m off for a run…