I’ve been working out hard, losing my self to the idea that I needed to prep myself for the next meet up with my ex, who I realize I’m still in love with, and the Mr. Right that will poof out of thin air. I’ve been going out more to increase my chances of meeting people, thinking I look super fly. I’ve been wearing closer fitted clothes which I think subconsciously changes my personality a bit and probably makes those around me feel like I’m showing off.
I’ve been waiting for a Mr. Right that both isn’t going to come, and I’m not ready for him to come either. I also realized something about my ex and my obsession with him. He has focus power that I want. He is able to throw himself into his hobbies and self actualize that way. Whereas, I, at least recently, have been so boy crazy that it’s hijacked my head. He is teaching me to be humble without saying a word. His disregard of my affection makes me question why there is affection, what is it that I really like and what is it that I really want. It’s been quite profound actually.
I’ve hated on Billy on the past and now, but I’ve got no right to. I cannot be angry simply because he does not return my love. To be honest, in thinking back on it, I was very forward with him. I don’t think I made a mistake for doing so, because, that was who I was at that moment. But, from now till an uncertain time, I’m going to throw myself into learning guitar. I’ve been a bit overcasted. Loan kept trying to dig last night out of me why I’ve been looking so sad. I repeatedly told her I was fine. In my heart, there is a sadness, over my ex. But it’s a beautiful sadness, the kind Butter talks about in South Park. This sadness reminds me of the level of happiness I will be able to one day feel.
Also, I realize that I really am not special. It’s a curse on society when we continuously teach our kids they’re special. Being special implies one is better than the other. Instead, the thought should be that no one is special but all of us can do great things with great effort. Now even that isn’t a guarantee but I think it’s a better idea to get people working harder rather than relying on their ‘special-ness’.
So, an update on what I am working on and my motivations:
- Stop thinking I’m special, but know everyone can do great things with great effort
- Special implies given gifts instead of hard work
- Learn guitar
- To make music and have deep focus
- Be physically fit
- Energy and motivation to do things with people
- Not looking for Mr. Right
- There is no Mr. Right until I create my own awesome life
I do not want to lose myself in my appearances. I want to lose myself in music rather. I’ll mourn over my ex and my hurt ego, but that’s as much as I’ll give to romantic love right now.
I’m off to the gym. I will do 5 miles on the treadmill, then a swim afterwards. Go hard then go home 😀