2 Stolen Days, Pretty Boys & Travel

Southwest had technological glitches that grounded many flights nationwide. My flight, set for Wednesday at 8:15pm, was included in the group of flights that was canceled. Because of that, I had to reschedule my flight to Saturday, flying out at 3pm and landing at 10 pm. This gives me two extra days in California. It’s better sweet, here are the pros and cons:

Pros:

  • More time with Nathan & Family
  • More time to explore California
  • Weather is enjoyable
  • Work 6-3 = off earlier in the day

Cons:

  • Missing Wisconsin trip

So, the list is much longer under Pros so that makes me feel better BUT I was really excited for the Wisconsin trip with everyone ūüė¶ I’m really bummed about that.

But, another pro to add to the list is the abundance of great looking men here. I went to a street festival that happened to be right outside of Mo’s restaurant and noticed that there were so many good looking men around! There were many interracial relationships, many mixed looking people, I loved it. Is it bad of me to want to really good looking guy to call mine and to be able to stare at him at will?

That leads me to my physical fitness. It’s becoming a point to me to get into shape so that I can attract a very good looking man. I don’t know how shallow that is, so I may judge myself for this in the future. I’ve been snacking at night, high on potcholates, so that’s slowed down my progress.

Good news is I’ve been running almost every day and I will after work today. Yesterday’s run was a good example of explorative running. I just ran where I wanted just to see what’s on the other side of the horizon. I’m stoked for doing this in Portland. Although, I’ll have to come to terms with doing activities alone where others are around. I’ve added Dayton, Ohio to my list of visits for the Wright Brothers house. I want to continue reading historical books to get ideas of where I want to visit. Knowing a place’s history makes visiting the spot more appealing.

Anyways, tomorrow I’ll be flying back to Kansas City. I’ll have Sunday – Most of Tuesday to relax at home. Then I’m off to Colorado.

 

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Into the Wild

I feel like Chris McCandless, whom Into the Wild was based on. He was led into the wild by humble aspirations and pursuit of personal growth but his pursuit ended up killing him. I am afraid my aspirations will be the death of me. Aspirations typically put the dreamer out in the world which means they are more at risk for facing dangers.The reason I am thinking about this because of the increasing seriousness of my desire to travel – well – to state hop.

State Hop 2017: December ~ travel to a completely new state and work from there for 4 days. Activities are: running, museums, new foods.

This idea to state-hop came about while running. I thought of running as a way for me to¬†explore. In Hayward, California, this week I’ve used running as a cheap and safe way to explore my sister’s area while building endurance. My first stop is going to be Portland, Oregon for obvious reasons. The big trip I want to work towards is Amsterdam.

So the fear kicks in when I think about traveling alone ~ staying at an AirBnB ~ running outside more often in an unfamiliar area. I should be fearful. The world outside our walls is a dangerous place, as it’s been for billions of years. There is real danger out there, but there’s also opportunity for growth and experience out there. So, like the hunter that I am, my desire is to explore safely…which now that I’m thinking about it, should require self defense.

Steps to State Hop:

Save money > research about destination (read) > booking of travel/stay/transportation >¬†self defense class…?¬†> Develop ‘Running High’

I will try this once, at the very least.

The last item is Running High, where users can post short epiphanies they have while running. I want to first target runners, then develop from there if it catches on beyond running.

Running High –¬†a Twitter for epiphanies occurring during a run

Running High vs. Highdeas¬†– RH will be strictly epiphanies during a run vs. Highdeas where there isn’t a lot of limitation on what can be posted.

Aim – To capture epiphanies before it flies away on a platform where others can applaud the thought or recycle it (meaning can be built upon?).

Theme – Camera/photography?

Slogan – Thought Snapshot?

Identifying words –¬†Catch it (write out thought before it’s forgotten). This does not match the camera theme though

Real World Example of Usage

[Addition to entry next morning]

Example ¬†input: “In the wild, animals have mating calls and it’s completely acceptable. I wish there were mating calls for humans where we can just twerk and automatically men will flock to you – and it’s completely acceptable.”

Example Feedback (emoji form?): 

Applaud = people enjoyed it

Can’t Breath = laughing too hard

Sleep = that comment proves you’re too high

There will be a comment section where people are encouraged to provide productive discussions.

Add-on: a doodle board for people to draw out the scenario or thought. It would be funny to see a drawing of my example input.

I should be off to bed since I have work at 6 am…but I’m in the living room where my parents are snoring loudly on the couch and I am a bit antsy.

 

Stop! In the Name of Quality of Life!

Saturday and Sunday I’ve not controlled my eating. My tummy is feeling that familiar stretch, and a familiar emptiness will hurt once it realizes I’m not playing around today.

I don’t want to feel shitty. I want to feel my tummy tight yet satisfied. Today won’t be the third day. I know I said yesterday would be better but it was Nathan’s birthday so I over did it.

Blue Card & California <3

Blue card is a card I give myself to play on days like these. It allows me to make myself feel better with food because the bad feeling already lasted almost the whole day.  The catch is that I have to write about it.

It’s been an unexplainable¬†dreary day. I’m in California!! And I completely love that I am…but my irrational thoughts hijacked my mind today. It toys with my sense of worth.

So this is my entry for my binge.

My leading thoughts today:

  • I’m afraid I’m not beautiful. Because of that, I’ll never find the love I want. All this time I thought I was hot shit, I really am insignificant in the looks department.
  • My friends haven’t responded to my text message. This makes me feel like I’m trying too hard to reach out to them or something.
  • I’m afraid of not doing ‘right’ by my parents, my sister, and my friends. I’m afraid that who I am and what I like to do is a disappointment to them.

My knight in shining armor thoughts:

  • I am taking the time to learn guitar and to read more about history. I want to lose myself in guitar and to be knowledgeable about history to draw on it when looking at current events. Investing in myself intellectually instead of physically.
    • Counter thought – can I invest in both sectors?
  • It sucks they haven’t responded, and maybe they¬†do¬†feel that way. But that’s on them. What’s on you is the commitment to love freely and be open. I trust them to talk to me if there is something wrong.
  • That is not a good feeling to have. But, I think it’s very common to feel this way. It’s good to think the other way around here. Do you feel your parents, your sister, and your friends are not doing right by you? It’s not something I even think about so most likely they are not either.

So, with my entry, I grant myself permission to play a blue card today/tonight. I’ve already started.

CALIFORNIA UPDATE

Nathan is lengthy now and very sturdy in his stance. He’s learning words and will repeat mostly verbs, his please and thank yous. Raising Chester has helped me see the importance of repetition and patience when it comes to teaching your kids. When my parents took him on a bike ride I ran 5 miles this morning.

I had a thought to start another blog called Running High. It’s where I would dump¬†my interesting thoughts. Each day, or after each run, I could do a post made of bullet points. I could list out little epiphanies I have during the run – like the idea that the earth has been awake for over 4 billion years, and we only get 100 which is why we shouldn’t live life so seriously.

Anyways, I think that would be cool to have. Maybe I could start on a crappy beta app where I could quickly post a high thought and it’ll get dumped into the main page for others to see. The main different with this app over others is that it’s strictly thoughts you come up with while running. It’d be interesting to see other’s thoughts on their runs.

My tendency to have random ‘oo it’d be cool if!’ is something that I love about myself. I hope to never cease my eagerness to learn. I love that I read history, and that I’m teaching myself guitar. I love that I’m not looking into the mirror all the time, and that I’m not heavily phased by my looks. I love that I have friends in different places, and that I can maintain relationships across different groups.Despite sometimes having anxiety, I can beat it because I’ve taught myself to carry on since high school. I am falling in love with who I am becoming.

Anyways. Today is blue card day, I’ll live it up.

CYOTFS Vien.

Dear Employed Vien

I should have written this the 3rd of July of this year, the day before I started working. I wanted something to look back on when I feel really stressed with work. The months between November 2015 to July 2016 was something like a sample of retirement, a once in a lifetime feel. Maybe I’ll call it my own personal Enlightenment Period. The youth and the freedom that I had – I’ll never have again.

dandelion-sunset-painting-michelle-eshleman

So instead of unemployed Vien, you get a 1 week old into employment Vien. I’ll try to tap into the unemployed Vien.

Lets see. I use to get up whenever I wanted, and usually what I wanted was early. I use to want to be a writer, a singer, a songwriter. I’d spend some days outside with a notebook and guitar coming up with never to be finished songs. Other mornings and nights, I’d spend outside with my laptop typing away a never to be finished story. Something changed along the way that landed me as a creator of almost spammy but legally not emails. It was stress and worry that I would become broke pursuing¬†the dreams. Mainly – because my ideas are never to be finished. So logically, I could do remote work and write whatever I wanted after hours. If it’s something I enjoy, then I would¬†want to do it after hours. This leads me to the topic of hobbies, which I discuss below.

A lot of things changed and happened…¬†I quit my job and took a risk by living off a part time job at a nail salon and my savings, I planned to move my entire life to California, I changed my mind and decided to stay in Kansas City, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, I got off of social media, I adopted a new puppy, I got a new job, I slept with my first boyfriend twice, I started falling in false love with my first boyfriend who didn’t return the same feelings, I started smoking pot, and last but never all, I’m losing weight.

So yes, I’ve been through changes, and they’re all choices that I’ve made. Throughout the¬†changes though, I’ve learned many things:

  • Have hobbies: happiness is when you’re doing something that 1) you are good at and 2) passes the time without you realizing it. If you don’t have hobbies, then throw¬†yourself into uncomfortable positions¬†to become¬†good at it. I’ve used guitar here. It’s very difficult right now because I’m awkward on the guitar, but I practice it everyday to get better. This lesson can be transferred to the stress that comes with a new job. I was stress on week 1, and I will continue to be stressed, but like guitar, it is harder because it is new.
  • Get lost in the wonders of our universe:¬†our Earth, the moon, the sun, the universe, there is so much wonder in our life and¬†so much to learn from that can¬†give us perspective¬†on our significance¬†and our importance. Just think about it, no one knows what is beyond the black wall.
  • Reject sexy: if you’re not sexy, don’t try to be sexy. As in, sexiness comes naturally. If it’s something you have to try to do, then you are probably not comfortable, which is not sexy. What I’ve been doing lately is not looking into mirrors too often. It’s a learning curve because I am balancing between not caring about what I look like and being scared to look at myself in fear that I won’t like what I see. But overall, I think it’s helped me not put body image at the front of my mind.
  • You are not all that: You are not all that no matter what compliments you give yourself, and what comments others make that gives you a sense of significance, aka a big head. But on the flip side, you’re not all bad. No matter what you tell yourself, and what others tell you.
  • Work out everyday: if you are sedentary for more than half the day, go work out. Having a higher threshold, more endurance, and a more toned body feels good. Not to mention, wearing cute clothes feels good.
  • Don’t be petty:¬†I am a petty person, and I am just now realizing it. Taking things personal and being sour is only hurting yourself because the other person isn’t boggled by the stress of hate.
  • Be vulnerable and be honest with people:¬†I try to put up a strong front that people see through. It feels better to talk openly and honestly with people, let them see¬†you¬†because we are only getting closer to the end of our lifespan every single day.
  • The grass is just as green as the other side:¬†I tend to think the opposite here. I’ve been on both sides of the fence enough times in life to know that both sides are just as green as each other. There are always butt loads of pros and butt loads of cons on each side. It doesn’t mean you should settle with where you’re at. Instead know that there is always something else that can make you happy if you are not in your current situation.
  • Love is when two people are¬†really¬†into each other and they don’t try to hide that fact:¬†No further explanation needed here.

So, employed Vien, hello from the past. I hope that you are happy with life, and that you never cease to go after what you want. I hope you live by your life laws and the bullet points above. Remember to stay humble and curious. ¬†Give time to those who make you happy, and when you’re alone, get to know yourself. Employed Vien, I also do hope that you’ve fallen madly and deeply in love. The kind of love you know exists. The love that doesn’t discourage or judge you, but instead magnifies your humbleness and curiosity. The love that makes you look back on the beaten path your heart took and say ‘it was all worth it’. Dear employed Vien, never feel shackled because you never are.

Old Turtle

Yesterday I went over to Leighann’s place. Tyler was coming home last night so I helped her clean. I’m glad I came over because I did help her quite a bit. The apartment looks really nice now. We came across and old turtle on the road as we were heading back to her place. Two teens were standing next to him as we slowly drove by on Barry Road. They looked clueless as to what to do with the turtle that was about a foot onto the street ready to cross four lanes of traffic. We turned around at the next turn and got out the car to see the situation. There was a man who said, I think, that he was calling Animal Control. I thought that would take too long and I don’t trust Animal Control. So she and I devised a plan to pick him up and run him across the street. I did the labor.

The first time I picked him up, he was kicking and snapping his neck, trying to bite me. So I set him back down again. I asked Leighann for a towel to drape over him, and luckily she did have a white towel. After the towel was over his whole body, I picked him up again and Leighann and I ran him across the road. Dropping him next to a little slither of wooded area. He was quite the old man.

It got me thinking about good deeds. To us, what we did was a good deed. But maybe, we had upset some sort of circle of life ring. What if his death would have fed a family of foxes or something. Who knows, but I do know it’s not always a good thing to meddle with the forces of nature. I guess I feel ok about it since cars are not apart of nature and shouldn’t be a weapon against animals.

Anyways, that was an interesting time. On to work update:

Yesterday’s workload was good. I felt I did much better yesterday, but then again, Mindy was the one to review me. Today is Simone so it will be tougher. I’ll get started on it now.

Work Stress and Lonliness

Last week was my first week at All Inbox. I felt really dumb because I feel I didn’t understand as easily as I should. I felt I should understand it easily because my Big was saying how Simone is excited to have someone with experience. My PM experience at 40D that is. So I feel I have to meet that expectation. And I’m not, and it’s really stressing me out.

Already I’m dreading work this week. I also feel a bit lonely at home. Lola is going to be home the next few days but after that she’ll be going into work. Remote work definitely has its pros and cons.

I really look forward to when all this is second nature to me. Just like doing nails. Just like running after the second mile. Just like the A, E, D, G chords on the guitar. Still, right now, I feel an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and a little nervous flutter in my heart that tells me I’m very vulnerable and insecure with work. I will say I do a great job of tapping out once the work hours are over. The key here is for me to continue what I’ve built during my months off. The running, the guitar, the swimming, the circle of friends, etc. and not get wrapped up in Digit stress. I will call that old scar Digit stress – where I can’t eat sleep or think anything but my miserable state from work. I must avoid Digit stress.

Lonliness:

I’m vulnerable right now, so insecure I would love for someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. That I am smart enough to do this. I started thinking about Kevin. He would always be there for me, but he’s just now starting off in the work world. I think about Billy too often too. I have not texted him since that “whatcha doin” text many Fridays ago, and he has not reached out to me. I wonder what he must think of me. The sex crazed wild girl, only good for an unpredictable bang. No thank you.

I’m ready for a partner in crime. But, who knows, maybe we’ll never meet. So I must hold myself during these times of vulnerability.