- I shall not let this body starve. It has done nothing but work for me for the past 26 years. If you’re hungry body, I got you
- I shall not let this body lose control. The world is built for bingers so I will be strong and motivate you to work out daily. Exercise makes you feel good, and it makes you look better than you not working out. Two pluses
- I shall not greet myself by staring at my reflection whenever I can. I will instead be driven by feeling, rather than what I see
- I shall not let “sexy” be any sort of goal in dress and behavior
My journey went like this. I started off insecure and a bit chubby. After losing about 10 lbs. I started staring at myself a lot more. My looks, mainly my weight, was at the forefront of my mind all the time. I began wearing better fitted clothes thinking I look a lot better. It was all about me. I was beautiful, I was sexy, and I was on the prowl. Never would I thought that in reality, I was insanely insecure.
I got so prowly (nicer way to say desperate) that I hit up the ex. THE EX. The heart breaker, the green eyed Ken, Billy. We hooked up a couple times, went out for drinks once, and never have I thought during our one on ones, damn he was a good one. Yet, I found myself obsessing over him once again. It was his cool nature that I envied. He found deep focus on Jujitsu and music. And I found deep focus on him. I hated that. I hated that my deep focus was the way I looked all the time, or at the gym when I’m pounding away miles and calories, not knowing for who. I hated being locked to my phone 24/7 knowing to him, I was nothing but a few seconds of thought in his day. The last time I reached out to him was 6/24/2016 with the line “watcha doin?”. He never responded. And I never followed up. I’ve seen “He’s Not That Into You”. After watching that movie, I realized that I was deeply smittened with my ex, and he was deeply not into me at all.
Anyways, the topic was sexy. Sexy is a huge catalyst here. I’ve been trying my damnedest to be sexy without realizing it. I’m back to wearing my large men t-shirts and baggy shorts. I like myself to be shy around guys, because, I’m truly not confident around them. I think that’s a very ok thing to be.
My favorite spot to run by is what my brother calls “Little Mexico”. It’s an area off Southwest Blvd. that many Latino restaurants sit. I can lose myself in the area by imagining myself in a different area, outside the U.S. I made a pact with myself that I plan a trip, alone if needed, to a country where pot is legalized. Maybe Amsterdam. July 1st, 2017.
The reason I stopped using Facebook because I was feeling the ‘missing-out’ bug every time I see posts of people doing really cool things are friends hanging out without me. Also, I didn’t want to see any posts about Kevin fearing that would make me miss him. That’s the reason I stopped. The reason I continue to be off social media is because I realize that you shouldn’t need to be up to date of everyone’s life second by second. That’s not normal, and it’ll take another 10 years for some psychologist to do a study where, yes, being in the know 24/7 has negative affects on ones quality of life. So right now, I’m fine without it. It’s made me turn my focus onto other things. Oh! Which ties back to Billy. I envied his deep focus skill. I want that for myself. I’ve been giving time to guitar to practice deep focus. I’ve rented some history books too.