Last week was my first week at All Inbox. I felt really dumb because I feel I didn’t understand as easily as I should. I felt I should understand it easily because my Big was saying how Simone is excited to have someone with experience. My PM experience at 40D that is. So I feel I have to meet that expectation. And I’m not, and it’s really stressing me out.
Already I’m dreading work this week. I also feel a bit lonely at home. Lola is going to be home the next few days but after that she’ll be going into work. Remote work definitely has its pros and cons.
I really look forward to when all this is second nature to me. Just like doing nails. Just like running after the second mile. Just like the A, E, D, G chords on the guitar. Still, right now, I feel an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and a little nervous flutter in my heart that tells me I’m very vulnerable and insecure with work. I will say I do a great job of tapping out once the work hours are over. The key here is for me to continue what I’ve built during my months off. The running, the guitar, the swimming, the circle of friends, etc. and not get wrapped up in Digit stress. I will call that old scar Digit stress – where I can’t eat sleep or think anything but my miserable state from work. I must avoid Digit stress.
I’m vulnerable right now, so insecure I would love for someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. That I am smart enough to do this. I started thinking about Kevin. He would always be there for me, but he’s just now starting off in the work world. I think about Billy too often too. I have not texted him since that “whatcha doin” text many Fridays ago, and he has not reached out to me. I wonder what he must think of me. The sex crazed wild girl, only good for an unpredictable bang. No thank you.
I’m ready for a partner in crime. But, who knows, maybe we’ll never meet. So I must hold myself during these times of vulnerability.