Blue Card & California <3

Blue card is a card I give myself to play on days like these. It allows me to make myself feel better with food because the bad feeling already lasted almost the whole day.  The catch is that I have to write about it.

It’s been an unexplainable dreary day. I’m in California!! And I completely love that I am…but my irrational thoughts hijacked my mind today. It toys with my sense of worth.

So this is my entry for my binge.

My leading thoughts today:

  • I’m afraid I’m not beautiful. Because of that, I’ll never find the love I want. All this time I thought I was hot shit, I really am insignificant in the looks department.
  • My friends haven’t responded to my text message. This makes me feel like I’m trying too hard to reach out to them or something.
  • I’m afraid of not doing ‘right’ by my parents, my sister, and my friends. I’m afraid that who I am and what I like to do is a disappointment to them.

My knight in shining armor thoughts:

  • I am taking the time to learn guitar and to read more about history. I want to lose myself in guitar and to be knowledgeable about history to draw on it when looking at current events. Investing in myself intellectually instead of physically.
    • Counter thought – can I invest in both sectors?
  • It sucks they haven’t responded, and maybe they do feel that way. But that’s on them. What’s on you is the commitment to love freely and be open. I trust them to talk to me if there is something wrong.
  • That is not a good feeling to have. But, I think it’s very common to feel this way. It’s good to think the other way around here. Do you feel your parents, your sister, and your friends are not doing right by you? It’s not something I even think about so most likely they are not either.

So, with my entry, I grant myself permission to play a blue card today/tonight. I’ve already started.

CALIFORNIA UPDATE

Nathan is lengthy now and very sturdy in his stance. He’s learning words and will repeat mostly verbs, his please and thank yous. Raising Chester has helped me see the importance of repetition and patience when it comes to teaching your kids. When my parents took him on a bike ride I ran 5 miles this morning.

I had a thought to start another blog called Running High. It’s where I would dump my interesting thoughts. Each day, or after each run, I could do a post made of bullet points. I could list out little epiphanies I have during the run – like the idea that the earth has been awake for over 4 billion years, and we only get 100 which is why we shouldn’t live life so seriously.

Anyways, I think that would be cool to have. Maybe I could start on a crappy beta app where I could quickly post a high thought and it’ll get dumped into the main page for others to see. The main different with this app over others is that it’s strictly thoughts you come up with while running. It’d be interesting to see other’s thoughts on their runs.

My tendency to have random ‘oo it’d be cool if!’ is something that I love about myself. I hope to never cease my eagerness to learn. I love that I read history, and that I’m teaching myself guitar. I love that I’m not looking into the mirror all the time, and that I’m not heavily phased by my looks. I love that I have friends in different places, and that I can maintain relationships across different groups.Despite sometimes having anxiety, I can beat it because I’ve taught myself to carry on since high school. I am falling in love with who I am becoming.

Anyways. Today is blue card day, I’ll live it up.

CYOTFS Vien.

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