Guitar

 

Practicing bar placement. My index finger is weak. I can tell because the guy did a really good job of showing thumb placement. The thumb is the backbone of the strength your index finger gets.

So, this week I will just practice getting my index finger stronger.

 

 

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Train of Thoughts

I have to change my attitude towards my binge episodes. I can’t keep feeling guilty after each time, like I knew it was bad yet I still did it because it felt good. It’s a waste of time to walk the hallways of shame, shamefully, when you know you’ll be back again. The crowd watches you as you pass by, shoulders hunched and embarrased. They were understanding the first time, but the second, then the third, they’ve labeled you now, as a girl with an eating disorder.

You don’t have to accept that. I don’t have to. Being human has become it’s own disorder.

I don’t want to be shamed anymore.

I ate alot last night, but it wasn’t the most I’ve eaten…and I’ve eaten in worst conditions. I’ll do it again. I woke with a familiar doomed feeling, it can’t just be because of the binge. 

 

I might have brought this up before, but that fear that has always been laying underground but affecting everything above is that who I am will push people away. Younger days, I was a people pleaser, I did not question those who were older, I was careful around friends. Yet, I still didn’t hold on to every single friend. Now, I am less of a pleaser, I question everyone, and I am no longer careful around friends. I try to be as honest as I can be. It makes me feel really good inside, but I am so afraid that friends will push themselves away from me because of that. What if I say something extremely insensitive without realizing it in the moment? Who will be there for the Vien when she hurt the persons she loved because she was too big headed to think before she speaks.

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I don’t want to dig too deep in speculation.

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There’s this guy from the dog park. He reminds me a lot of Kevin in the way he looks and ease of his conversation. He’s probably mid to late 30s…I am not the best at age guessing. I can not tell anymore (now that I have my ego better in check) when I think someone is interested or just being nice. I begin to act wierd if it’s the latter. I absolutely hate that I do. I don’t even dislike my binging as much as I hate that about myself.

Binging at least feels good in the moment, then self reflection encourages alot of personal growth. Acting wierd because you think someone likes you has no benefits..

To do:

Love life: Do not act wierd if someone likes you or even if you think they like you. Think of them as… your brother. Each and everyone one of them is Cong.

Social life: Remember to be sensitive to other’s feelings and think through before speaking

Work life: Do not be catty, continue to stay on task

I’ll report back on any progress. Speaking of Cong… I’m going to see to going home on Sunday and hanging with my parents. I’ll message Cong now to see if he wants to come over too.

WORK WORK WORK

I’m sitting at Mud Pie, working from here for the first time. Lily’s boyfriend, Andrew, works here. The coffee shop was once a house with colorful walls. I can’t blog as well with work on my mind : (

Anyways, I just thought I’d jot this thought down that I’m trying to use to combat my feelings. I reached out to Gregg asking about something. This something I feel I should know well by now, and I feel dumb for asking the questions. But, I just want to know to do my job better. I’m not understanding what he’s saying and it makes me feel even worst. I must, though. I can’t forget that I NEGOTIATED my salary! I worked at 40Digits that was so out of my league, I formed great colleague relationships and hope to continue it with 40Digits, I am smart and capable. It’s ok to keep asking questions until you understand. Sometimes, the reason you don’t understand something is because you and the other person communicate differently. Think about it, you’re two animals communicating with each other.

Tomato timer just pulled me out of break…brb.

Ok, Gregg had me hop on a call with him and he explained it to a point where I get the just of it. Good call on reaching out to him, Vien. Right now, I just volunteered for two slot coverages as a way to challenge myself… I hope I don’t become overwhelmed. I’ll have to update you when it’s done.

This coffee shop makes me feel like I’m in Portland already. So I was thinking on my drive. A thought I had that makes me not want to move to Portland is that once I’m there, it’s not going to be really different from here. If I can’t meet anyone here, why would I there? I came up with a reason. It’s not the place you are in, but what situation you’ve put yourself in. For example, putting myself in Portland provides me with no connections, no friends, no knowledge of the city, no routines I could follow like I do here. It’s going to be foreign. I’ll have to figure it all out myself and with people I’ll meet. Here, I’m comfortable, I don’t put myself in uncomfortable situations. This makes me really excited for Portland in November. Oh that’s right, I officially purchased tickets. I’ll depart on the 24th and return the 29th. I have to figure out what I’m doing with Chester & Cheeto, I need to book my AirBnB’s before it fills up since Thanksgiving will be popular.

WHOA – I forgot about this post yesterday…actually, I forgot about a lot of things yesterday…

I forgot to eat dinner, about the dogs, and about working out. I was very focused and zoned in to what I was doing. Which is in the direction I like to be. But, I do have to make sure I don’t become zombie to work. I enjoy it, but I don’t want to resent it. My thought today is to make sure I know what I’m doing everyday (in regards to work). This takes planning and working ahead when I fall behind. I did that yesterday. I wrote so many campaigns AND I had resends and coverage for two slots. This morning I got what I needed done in writing camps…but I still have resends to do AND a creative assignment.

I will give myself to work until 4 today (which is later than I want) but it’ll get me caught up.

So..take away is to:

  1. Stay focused when working
  2. Accept challenges and be courageous
  3. Plan Plan Plan
  4. Work ahead to get caught up, then stay on top of it
  5. Maintain the life balance

 

Crazy, I am

Sometimes I feel crazy, I have to stop myself from thinking I am, and all that I’ve thought about myself, of others, and of life is wrong. I had dinner with Emily F. today. I felt like I was talking too much or expressing myself terribly, and I felt like I was trying to be someone else.

I don’t know…

I know it’s all coming from me and my calculations on expressions and body language. Work was a bit stressful today as well – all coming from my head again. I don’t want to be big headed, and I feel I’ve become so with work just because people say nice things. Today I spent most of the day organizing my Gmail and Asana. I got a new list today so my load went up, which is fine, but I did not like how I organized things. We had a demo on organizing and it was actually really helpful.

I hope to stay on top of things, and I hope to keep Digit Stress at bay. In order to do so, I must:

  • Stay organized, stay on top of Gmail and Asana upkeep
  • Stay ahead with campaign creations
  • Stay fit
  • Stay nutritional
  • Continue to play guitar
  • Continue to read
  • Continue to do this, expression through writing

Anyways, I’m off to knock out point #2…

Hello

I went on a 4.5 run this morning at 7am. I got back at 830am and showered, made breakfast, fed the dogs, and started work on my backyard.

At work, the main gig right now is testing out an idea of mine (inserting email form onto the email campaign). Also, I am now apart of the Creative department for AIB. CREATIVE DEPARTMENT… I’m nervous they’ll find out that I am not as knowledgeable as what’s been sold. I am, though, really looking forward to letting my creativity lead my work life.

I’ll try to update you on how well my idea does.

Also, I am the worst at spilling things. I was on a call with my Big and Shane is in town to work with her. She said he was stressing her out earlier so I asked if he is stressing her out, her reaction told me he might have heard… In my defense, she said he was working in the kitchen, she had earphones on, and the door looked closed. SURPRISE…he might have heard because: he may have been in the room, the earphone was not plugged into the computer… I am dying and so embarrassed. I tried to save it by adding later, ‘I know you’d be stressed if we worked together..’ and ‘I wish I got to meet Shane’. I don’t know if I saved it, but I feel I am so bad at this filter.

Today’s plan:

  • Complete work, will get in the zone shortly
  • Dog park with Emily after work
  • Read up on why the body fights to gain weight

Positive Reminders

Appreciate AIB for:

  • Challenges me to critically think for a long period of time
  • Challenges my insecurities when it comes to ability
  • Flexibility to work from home and maintain sense of independence

Fears:

  • The SM role change will require more meetings

Traits to improve on:

  • Confidence in providing honest opinion whether it is positive OR negative
  • Let go of worry derived from own anxiety. Stress is worrying about the future. Understand that the future (tomorrow even) is not guaranteed. Only the time that has past is guaranteed.

Helpful quotes during stressful periods:

  • Don’t get comfortable with the current reality because every second, your reality is changing.
  • Be honest & considerate in stressful conversations. Your honesty should encourage their honesty. When both are speaking honestly, less is left to the negative imagination & both can see a more clear picture. Strokes made by both artists.
  • Keep your cool, the more heated the conversation the more misunderstandings there are left to be corrected.
  • Learn to work productively with the anxious heart

For Growth:

  • Test boundaries on creativity
  • Never think you’re out of bad ideas