Train of Thoughts

I have to change my attitude towards my binge episodes. I can’t keep feeling guilty after each time, like I knew it was bad yet I still did it because it felt good. It’s a waste of time to walk the hallways of shame, shamefully, when you know you’ll be back again. The crowd watches you as you pass by, shoulders hunched and embarrased. They were understanding the first time, but the second, then the third, they’ve labeled you now, as a girl with an eating disorder.

You don’t have to accept that. I don’t have to. Being human has become it’s own disorder.

I don’t want to be shamed anymore.

I ate alot last night, but it wasn’t the most I’ve eaten…and I’ve eaten in worst conditions. I’ll do it again. I woke with a familiar doomed feeling, it can’t just be because of the binge. 

 

I might have brought this up before, but that fear that has always been laying underground but affecting everything above is that who I am will push people away. Younger days, I was a people pleaser, I did not question those who were older, I was careful around friends. Yet, I still didn’t hold on to every single friend. Now, I am less of a pleaser, I question everyone, and I am no longer careful around friends. I try to be as honest as I can be. It makes me feel really good inside, but I am so afraid that friends will push themselves away from me because of that. What if I say something extremely insensitive without realizing it in the moment? Who will be there for the Vien when she hurt the persons she loved because she was too big headed to think before she speaks.

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I don’t want to dig too deep in speculation.

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There’s this guy from the dog park. He reminds me a lot of Kevin in the way he looks and ease of his conversation. He’s probably mid to late 30s…I am not the best at age guessing. I can not tell anymore (now that I have my ego better in check) when I think someone is interested or just being nice. I begin to act wierd if it’s the latter. I absolutely hate that I do. I don’t even dislike my binging as much as I hate that about myself.

Binging at least feels good in the moment, then self reflection encourages alot of personal growth. Acting wierd because you think someone likes you has no benefits..

To do:

Love life: Do not act wierd if someone likes you or even if you think they like you. Think of them as… your brother. Each and everyone one of them is Cong.

Social life: Remember to be sensitive to other’s feelings and think through before speaking

Work life: Do not be catty, continue to stay on task

I’ll report back on any progress. Speaking of Cong… I’m going to see to going home on Sunday and hanging with my parents. I’ll message Cong now to see if he wants to come over too.

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