EXPRESSION OF CURIOSITY

Morgan Freeman dips his hands in many things, flying, directing, writing. The anchor explained this as his expression of curiosity

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Conversations of Heart & Mind

If you asked my heart what it wants to do in life, it will tell you it wants to live in creativity (music):

Mind: But, heart, how can we plan to write music as a legit hobby if we don’t even finish our songs completely?

Heart: We could finish our songs if you would get out of our way…

Mind: What do you mean?

Heart: Each time we start and semi finish, you stop because you start thinking of other people’s opinions..

Mind: This is true…

Heart: We love music, it’s a form of expression…you and I are very emotional people and music is our outlet… I guess the next question is…why do you want to share the music? Why can’t we just write and keep it private?

Mind: That’s a very good question… if we don’t share then no one can tell us what we already think, that we’re shit. Once that happens, we might be at a loss for what to do next. But, I want to share so that we can get that validation…that what we create is something others understand and connect with… without it, I feel a bit lost..what am I suppose to do with our lives?

Heart: It’s hard when you put out what you’ve worked hard on only to be told it’s not really good at all.

Mind: Yeah, that is really tough. I think that’s why you’re having a hard time shutting Billiam’s door…

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I gave my all to Billy, he says nothing in response… that is rejection in its purest form. I’m still alive, I’m coping. I can deal with rejection.

I can deal with rejection. 

Rejection is the prerequisite for success.

Mind: So you can’t get over Billiam because that was you putting your hard work out there only to be told it’s shit…well, not told even…basically your work was ignored…your feelings weren’t acknowledged. That sucks. That sucks for anyone…I’m sorry Heart.

Heart: Yeah, and I think that’s why I am trying so hard to change his mind…like, no, you got it wrong, I’m actually really great! Tell me I am great…

Mind: Perhaps you weren’t great, well, the proof is there that you weren’t. I was there to make sure you weren’t…I’m sorry heart. I don’t know why he didn’t like us, but perhaps I tried too hard to protect you. So maybe, it was me that wasn’t great. Heart, you are a wonderful thing whereas I, I am weak. I need to work on myself.

Heart: We’re in this together Mind, you did what you thought was right. I love you for that. Let us tackle life well together. I’ll be there to remind you to be honest, confident, and to be kind to yourself. You will be there to remind me to be strong when things don’t go our way and to continue to learn and grow.

Mind: Good deal, Vien, I love you.

Vien, I love you.

I say this each time he pops into my head. I’m at the kitchen counter, ready to knock out serious work. I’ve been postponing to do items because I fear I’m too stupid to tackle tasks management assigns me outside of my regular expectations… that’s a real thing. I want to stop that.

Yesterday I brought up, if not love then what else? It’s that darkness I must walk into. I have to walk into it… but I’m not alone. I have my parents, my siblings, my friends, and my future love. Billy was a way for me to de-focus, he seemed to have his shit together…he was an easy person to obsess over. Today, I will begin my efforts of obsessing over improving my skills and fitness.

Goals:

  • Patience
  • Weight, Current: 149 (woohoo!), Goal: 135 (11 lbs to go)
  • Work: Stay on top of it, never behind
  • Love: Let it be
  • Guitar: Cover songs and cover them well

Good luck today Vien, I love you.

Funeral

I’m going through another mourning. This time, it’s over the relationship between Billy and I. I’m writing a letter to him that he’ll never read and hold a little funeral to bid him farewell forever. I must move on for my own sanity and happiness, and for others as well.

I never had closure with him, ever. This is my own closure.

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Items: Left 4 Dead, a letter, & a loaded bowl for the passing.

I know it seems silly to do this, but I just can’t get him off of my mind. I thought a way to bring me closure was, again, fire therapy included in this small funeral procession.

What has been getting me down is I just don’t understand how he could be so silent, he’s said nothing in response to my last 3 or 4 messages. I find myself almost regretting spilling my feelings, but it’s what I felt was the right thing to do in the moment – I can’t fault myself for that. Reading over this as I write even brings me embarrassment. Why am I so desperate for his attention? For male attention? To the point where I’m starting to think about Kevin.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

I concluded from the hour long shower/crying session that the Billy I invited into my bed back in May is someone I truly don’t know. He might as well have been a one night stand. I’m so hurt, a bit depressed, and my self esteem is at an all time low.

My days recently have been completely filled with thoughts of this boy, and it’s ridiculous. I imagine him seeing me soon with my weight loss and will try to pursuit me, but shit, just typing that out is embarrassing. I think of him and his new girl, and feel pangs of jealousy. I think of him not thinking of me outside of very rare moments. It’s just not fair, but…no one said life would be fair.

Things I must accept:

loved Billy. He’s no longer the Billy I loved. I am no longer the girl he loved. We are completely different people. We’re both VERY attractive people (I had to for my own pride). We are not right for each other. No more effort will come from my end.

He’ll never step foot into this room again neither will he steal any more pieces of my heart.

I laid Billiam to rest today, his place is to the right of the back patio. I read aloud the letter and let it catch fire afterwords… maybe his ghost will read it. He’s forced me to be a ghost in his life… he wants me to disappear…and I will.

This got me thinking…if not love, what else? Having someone there makes it easy to really enjoy the essence of life without being hunger for success and achievement… what’s the point if no one is there for you to share these things with? Or, it could be that we are too scared to face the darkness alone… the darkness holds outcomes of risks we take…what will transpire from the risk?

Having someone there to obsess over reduces the desire to take these risks…because, we’re in love.

I’ve been slacking so bad at work, I am not giving even 80% and it’s been, lately at least, because my mind has left me to be with someone else. No matter how high I pick myself up, I seem to knock myself pretty low when I still hear nothing but silence from him.

I’m working on not waiting, what a strange thing to do. I’m working on being in the moment, not letting fantasies escape me, I’m working on working better for AIB, I’m working on friendships and family, I’m working on my fitness (although I binged tonight because of my insecurities with work). I dont’ know how long it’ll take but… life continues after funerals.

 

 

Hard day

Today is a  hard day. Its because I texted him and he is not going to respond. I want to scream ‘stop!’ at the top of my lungs so he can hear me and stop this. Am I crazy? Did he block me? He might have.
God.
I am crazy.
I don’t want this anymore.
He’s like a disease that you can’t get rid of.

As of this morning…

I’m 9 pounds away from not being ‘over weight’ on the BMI scale…5 pounds from college weight.

What happened?

1. Got rid of mirrors and need to check image

2. Got rid of social media.

4. Got heart broken

5. Pursued hobbies

6. Practiced deliberately

I’m still putting effort into each number..and going through #4. Don’t pity me, I’ll be better off by the time you read this.

Crazy thing is I still feel overweight and unattractive. I notice people looking at me more though… It’s a strange thing. Before I felt invisible…today I feel seen…both may be entirely in my head. I don’t know what to think and I don’t want to need someone to validate me positively (such as complements) to get rid of these consistent thoughts while in public. I think about how I look so damn much. Its unhealthy and why I got rid of mirrors and social media. I want to not be bothered by others opinions.

I want this..If I think I am beautiful that day, then I am. No matter what any side glance or self reflection tells me. If I think I look bummy, then I’ll admit my little efforts and carry on.

I don’t need another voice telling me I’m beautiful or that I am different. I know I am. But I’m not special, I just know I have potential I want to tap into. Love is always on my mind but its nothing I can control. What I do to make my life fuller is what I can control…

I can’t finish cleaning 

Is this what I really love about someone? Their indifference to me? Why do we always want what we can’t have..until we have it.

I’m moping around as if he’s the only person in the universe that is remotely what I want in a man that also finds me attractive. Reality though…he doesn’t even find me that attractive..just bangable.

He doesn’t love me. He might have never been in love with me. What the hell did I think I saw all these years?

The true question is ‘do I really love him?’ This grown Billy? He’s sexy as hell but my god…

When we meet, he’s kind of into it by the way he acts. He goes hard then he’s done without considering me. He doesn’t focus on me at all, he barely does any foreplay on my end, he’s tired all the time, he’s quick to leave in the morning. He doesn’t ask me a thing about myself, my work, my changes. He doesn’t thank me for smoking him up. Letting him in my house in my room on my bed inside me.

Is this love? Is this the kind of man that I love? Is this what makes me happy?

His silence kills me. All day long I fill in the blank spaces he refuses to fill and it drives me crazy.  It pisses me off to imagine him treating another girl better than me…him caressing her and holding her while I can’t even get a text. What makes her better? Then I imagine what I would do if he ever broke the silence, or if I ran into him randomly. If I looked like a dime, would he reach out? What if I was happy with someone else? How would I ‘show him’ what he gave up? I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO CARE TO SHOW HIM.

See?

These are scenarios and thoughts I don’t want anymore. I don’t want to think about him anymore. I don’t want to be made to act a certain way because I don’t know how to feel or act around him. I don’t want to feel jealousy, confusion, extreme elateness, and extreme sadness because of him anymore. Love doesn’t turn me into those things. Love makes me laugh and warms me. Instead he leaves me cold and crying.

The best and only way to ‘get back at him’ is to remove him from my life and live fully.

My god I’ve been blind. I still am until the brevity of this realization seeks in..not sure how long that would take. This is how it feels to be the guy on the outside. The guy unwanted. Its a little chilly. I’ve been a fool. Not for Billy, or Kevin, or, the 3 D’s {David, Dave, Daniel}. I’ve been a fucking fool for love. For fucking love. What the hell is so good about getting love from someone else? Are their thoughts more valid than mine?

For a second tonight I became desperate. I’ve been thinking of reaching out to Dave… But I realize its not the right time to do so. When I reach out to anyone, I’m going to be more grounded.

Its going to be me and Cheesto for a while.

In the meantime my goal is to have a flat stomach…I don’t know how long it’ll last but I haven’t had one since I was in my early 10’s. Yeah yeah a piece of me wants Billy to see me and be like…damn.. And another piece of me likes the attention…another piece of me wants to land a really good man. Do any of these make me a vain or shallow person? Am I selfish?