I was running really well today when I ran into this girl:
I found her across from Abuelo’s at a liquor store. A woman that worked there was giving her food and water and said she was running back and forth across Southwest Boulevard. I battled myself on what to do. Am I really helping her if I take her out of that area and into the hands of animal control? In the end, I had Karen pick her and I up. The shelters were all closed so she is staying the night here. Chester loves her. She was infested with fleas, I gave her multiple lathers of baths today.
I had dinner at home, I wish I took a picture. Cong is going to be a dad and a new home owner. The home will be near mom and dad.
I popped open my lock box today. It was a step into memory lane. I have my grinder but no old pipe 😦 I thought I had that in there still. I wish I could tell the old Vien to take good care of it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Well, I do know. I’m heart broken. I am so stupidly in love with Billy. It took me ten years to realize that…I really really really love the guy. I can’t tell you why. But I can tell you he no longer feels the same.
That realization hurts, it cuts so deep. We’ve seen each other about 4 times in the past 4 months. He’s reached out to me one single time. I am ‘butt’ a booty call. It’s what I had wanted…but the I that made that decision didn’t know I was in love with him. I don’t regret it, I don’t think I’ll ever say I do. I’m glad, actually. that I saw him. I’ve been in denial of how strong I felt towards him.
I could talk at lengths about how I feel towards him… but it will be all for nothing.
I’ll leave with this though.
I have been feeling really sad for days following my meetup with him. Coming home from my parents house I thought to myself…I know I love him because I want more than anything for him to be waiting for me at home, or to be napping in bed when I got inside. I want more than anything than to just be near him.
It would be incredibly sad if he was the only person I will ever want again. But he’s not. I think of another person I have a crush on and I would almost equally love to see him as well…
I just need to be patient. I miss Billy every single day…right now it’s almost every single moment…but I know I won’t miss him anymore one day. I didn’t realize that I missed him for 10 years now… it took my going through this heartbreak for the umpteenth time for him to realize I love him. My ego isn’t as big as it use to be so now I want nothing more than to say it to him only to know how he feels.
And there I went talking about it at lengths…
I love you Billy. I never said it with conviction then…but I will now. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m sorry for always trying to turn you into someone that you aren’t. I am sorry for nit picking at you, I’m sorry for getting mad easily, I’m sorry…I’m sorry for kicking you out memorial weekend, I’m sorry for being a sex crazed person, I’m sorry for wanting to make you jealous. I become the girl I never want to be when I’m with you – perhaps that’s sign enough that you shouldn’t be with me. You’re just smarter than I am for knowing that and being the person to walk away.
I love you.