This is all I’m giving to him today. Just this post filled with a rant of an unfulfilled life desperate for a man’s attention – in which – she thinks will fill her with the joy she’s missing, but in fact, has been causing more pain and turmoil than before.
This is all I’m giving you.
I love you.
do you love me?
if you did, wouldn’t this be easy?
wouldn’t you be here
or I be there?
wouldn’t there be stories
only you and I share?
I leave you messages you leave unanswered. I’m grown enough now, though, to tell you how I feel despite knowing you don’t share the same intensity. When we were kids, I was petty and passive… I don’t want to be that anymore. If I can’t tell you, how I truly feel, how can I expect to be able to tell someone who will return my love.
This moment is beautiful in that I realize I am ready to be really vulnerable…it’s tragic though, because of the inevitable pain, doubt, and regret that may be to come. It’s a weight on my heart I can’t get rid of and a sour twist in my gut with every passing obnoxiously loud silence as I stare at my phone willing it to make my day. How unfair is it for one single person to have so much power. He has power because of his ability to validate me. He does it so sparingly that I find myself with hands cupped together begging for more from him.
He validates me.
What is he validating?
- my creativity
- he was the first to really read my stuff
- my sexuality
- my intellegence
- he’s complimentive
- my happiness
- we enjoy similar things
What I admire?
- focus ability
- indifference to romance
Of course, what I admire in him I seek to be…
Why do I need these sorts of validation from Billy?
Today…I start a “No Validation Needed” movement…
I’m partipant #1. I’m going to stay true to this movement by practicing my engagement with the task at hand…and continue to create/produce.