I look for you in crowds, all the time… I think of u first thing when I wake, before I fall alsleep…..and the many moments in between. I love you, and have only you, these past 8 years.

In my many musings of life I wonder what your opinions would be of it because you think different than most… I wonder how you would challenge my beliefs. I use to get frustrated at not being right all the time..but now I welcome it…and I want nothing more than to feel your warmth next to me every night while we talk about life.. You’re so fucking smart. It doesn’t feel right without you here. Is it a moment of insanity or great realization? I don’t know..but I do know I want nothing more than to be your biggest fan in your endeavors.

I don’t regret a single thing I’ve done with you.. I just hope that you don’t think me a fool.
If u choose not to respond..there may be late night drunken texts like tonight that I couldn’t help but send in the near future… But I promise they’ll eventually dissipate with time..
Anyways. I love you Billy..I always freaking will. For who you were and are.

I’ve left him another heart felt message. It was Saturday night, I was feeling cute, lonely, and again preoccupied with him.

Two days later and still nothing in return. I’ve pretty much thought of any possible valid reasons why not and they all funnel to the same final statement…

He chose not to be here.

This feels like a break up, my heart can’t tell the difference. Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I except the fact that he isn’t my person? 

I’ve been filling my days with things that could replace him..in a way to demote him. Maybe he’d regret his decision once he sees that I’m in a better place…

I realize now that that’s betting on thin ice to not break just because you’re willing it not to with your thoughts. I don’t deny the pain, embarrasment, or love I have for Billy. I think its years in the filling and now spilling over. I told him things I couldn’t understand when we were young, I’ve admitted feelings to him I couldn’t to myself or him when we were together. I knew not to expect anything in return but it doesn’t mean I can protect myself from the pain when there’s only silence on his end.

God I loved this beautiful boy. But I’m in love alone..so really, is it love at all? Can you love someone forever knowing the heat stems only from your side?

It is now what it is.

I’m writing more and getting better at guitar. Its bitter that the hole Billy left will never be filled but its sweet that his treatment of me inspires me to find ways to express my feelings.

I hope to heal somehow. I have to admit that I do want him to regret this. I want him to feel the pain I feel now… But… That’s how our relationship has always been. How unhealthy is that?

I have to heal on my own at my own pace.

I can’t heal though.

I can’t because he won’t just let me go. I should take silence as letting go…but I put a lot of conviction towards words so if he said “I don’t want to see you anymore” then I will whole heartedly move on without looking back. Whether or not regrets his decision later. Silence keeps the door open and me perpetually waiting on the other side. Hoping maybe..today he’ll text.

How do I heal now.


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