I can’t finish cleaning 

Is this what I really love about someone? Their indifference to me? Why do we always want what we can’t have..until we have it.

I’m moping around as if he’s the only person in the universe that is remotely what I want in a man that also finds me attractive. Reality though…he doesn’t even find me that attractive..just bangable.

He doesn’t love me. He might have never been in love with me. What the hell did I think I saw all these years?

The true question is ‘do I really love him?’ This grown Billy? He’s sexy as hell but my god…

When we meet, he’s kind of into it by the way he acts. He goes hard then he’s done without considering me. He doesn’t focus on me at all, he barely does any foreplay on my end, he’s tired all the time, he’s quick to leave in the morning. He doesn’t ask me a thing about myself, my work, my changes. He doesn’t thank me for smoking him up. Letting him in my house in my room on my bed inside me.

Is this love? Is this the kind of man that I love? Is this what makes me happy?

His silence kills me. All day long I fill in the blank spaces he refuses to fill and it drives me crazy.  It pisses me off to imagine him treating another girl better than me…him caressing her and holding her while I can’t even get a text. What makes her better? Then I imagine what I would do if he ever broke the silence, or if I ran into him randomly. If I looked like a dime, would he reach out? What if I was happy with someone else? How would I ‘show him’ what he gave up? I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO CARE TO SHOW HIM.

See?

These are scenarios and thoughts I don’t want anymore. I don’t want to think about him anymore. I don’t want to be made to act a certain way because I don’t know how to feel or act around him. I don’t want to feel jealousy, confusion, extreme elateness, and extreme sadness because of him anymore. Love doesn’t turn me into those things. Love makes me laugh and warms me. Instead he leaves me cold and crying.

The best and only way to ‘get back at him’ is to remove him from my life and live fully.

My god I’ve been blind. I still am until the brevity of this realization seeks in..not sure how long that would take. This is how it feels to be the guy on the outside. The guy unwanted. Its a little chilly. I’ve been a fool. Not for Billy, or Kevin, or, the 3 D’s {David, Dave, Daniel}. I’ve been a fucking fool for love. For fucking love. What the hell is so good about getting love from someone else? Are their thoughts more valid than mine?

For a second tonight I became desperate. I’ve been thinking of reaching out to Dave… But I realize its not the right time to do so. When I reach out to anyone, I’m going to be more grounded.

Its going to be me and Cheesto for a while.

In the meantime my goal is to have a flat stomach…I don’t know how long it’ll last but I haven’t had one since I was in my early 10’s. Yeah yeah a piece of me wants Billy to see me and be like…damn.. And another piece of me likes the attention…another piece of me wants to land a really good man. Do any of these make me a vain or shallow person? Am I selfish?

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