I’m going through another mourning. This time, it’s over the relationship between Billy and I. I’m writing a letter to him that he’ll never read and hold a little funeral to bid him farewell forever. I must move on for my own sanity and happiness, and for others as well.
I never had closure with him, ever. This is my own closure.
Items: Left 4 Dead, a letter, & a loaded bowl for the passing.
I know it seems silly to do this, but I just can’t get him off of my mind. I thought a way to bring me closure was, again, fire therapy included in this small funeral procession.
What has been getting me down is I just don’t understand how he could be so silent, he’s said nothing in response to my last 3 or 4 messages. I find myself almost regretting spilling my feelings, but it’s what I felt was the right thing to do in the moment – I can’t fault myself for that. Reading over this as I write even brings me embarrassment. Why am I so desperate for his attention? For male attention? To the point where I’m starting to think about Kevin.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
I concluded from the hour long shower/crying session that the Billy I invited into my bed back in May is someone I truly don’t know. He might as well have been a one night stand. I’m so hurt, a bit depressed, and my self esteem is at an all time low.
My days recently have been completely filled with thoughts of this boy, and it’s ridiculous. I imagine him seeing me soon with my weight loss and will try to pursuit me, but shit, just typing that out is embarrassing. I think of him and his new girl, and feel pangs of jealousy. I think of him not thinking of me outside of very rare moments. It’s just not fair, but…no one said life would be fair.
Things I must accept:
I loved Billy. He’s no longer the Billy I loved. I am no longer the girl he loved. We are completely different people. We’re both VERY attractive people (I had to for my own pride). We are not right for each other. No more effort will come from my end.
He’ll never step foot into this room again neither will he steal any more pieces of my heart.
I laid Billiam to rest today, his place is to the right of the back patio. I read aloud the letter and let it catch fire afterwords… maybe his ghost will read it. He’s forced me to be a ghost in his life… he wants me to disappear…and I will.
This got me thinking…if not love, what else? Having someone there makes it easy to really enjoy the essence of life without being hunger for success and achievement… what’s the point if no one is there for you to share these things with? Or, it could be that we are too scared to face the darkness alone… the darkness holds outcomes of risks we take…what will transpire from the risk?
Having someone there to obsess over reduces the desire to take these risks…because, we’re in love.
I’ve been slacking so bad at work, I am not giving even 80% and it’s been, lately at least, because my mind has left me to be with someone else. No matter how high I pick myself up, I seem to knock myself pretty low when I still hear nothing but silence from him.
I’m working on not waiting, what a strange thing to do. I’m working on being in the moment, not letting fantasies escape me, I’m working on working better for AIB, I’m working on friendships and family, I’m working on my fitness (although I binged tonight because of my insecurities with work). I dont’ know how long it’ll take but… life continues after funerals.