Stop

Smoking – Lorence gives disapproving look

She thinks I let the dog out and got lost. She thinks I’m not thinking clearly.

This is all mind reading. I have no idea what she is thinking. She knows how much I do this, and how capable I am of making good decisions. I did not let the dog out and I am sure of it. Proof is that he is inside. She might not like the smell, but it’s apart of me. I’m a shitty person, so this is the shitty thing I’m inconsiderate about. I am lax on other things with them as well.

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What’s Wrong With Me

I see the ACW has 11/3 – 11/4 off of work… my conclusion is he is coming to KC – as he said he was thinking of doing…but he didn’t tell me so. Which means, he’s not interested.

Self talk time…

I don’t know if that’s what he’s doing or not… if it is what he’s doing and he says nothing and you don’t see him, what will happen?

I’ll feel really silly, and insecure. And desperate. And like I fucked something up.

Do you think all these things of yourself?

I’m insecure, I am actively open to relationship, and I didn’t do anything that was out of character. Who I was then helped me be who I am now…which I don’t know if it says too much but I’m happy.

Not seeing ACW isn’t going to have a big affect on my routine and my life. It hurts a little but it is what it is. When you open yourself up to new things, you hope for the best. But, you also have to prepare for the worst because the best is high expectation.

Blah.

You know, even if he did reach out to me, what does that mean?

I’m not going to sleep with him. The most I’ll do is invite him to dinner at a spot he mentioned while we were in Nola.

Ok.

Girls Like Pip

Get the late night messages from her ex saying he still loves and wants her. Girls like Pip can’t be forgotten. She’s the one that got away. She doesn’t go looking, she’s herself until she is seen.

Girls like me…well, we find other things to do. It gets a little boring, especially at night time. But we don’t have choices. Well, we do, but picking those don’t align with what we want. So, we’ll do what we think we enjoy & maybe that hobby will go somewhere, but maybe it won’t. But at least we’re onto something.

I guess that’s the fun in this oftentimes lonely journey. Remember to embrace this time & you…you’ll find a best friend in it.

Baby steps

+ I only had one vodka water 

– I ‘pigged out’ once home

+ I didn’t reach the point of diminishing returns

– On track to regaining weight

Going out was ok. Better than staying home..but I was ready to leave an hour into it. Power and Light has become less…appealing. 

When will I get to be completely naked, body and soul, with my person? A little saddened that WHF still hasn’t reached out. He must really mean it when he said what he said to let me go. 

Self Reflection

I read through my last post and realized I actually do need to do the self reflecting parts. Write out what is bugging me and challenge those thoughts.

Negative Thoughts:

  • I keep seeing 0 texts. 0 texts = 0 care? I get a sinking feeling when I don’t see any texts from people. I’ve tried so hard to tweak my tools to make myself not feel that way. I’ve silence my texting notification basically, and am not on social media.
    • Why do I expect to have a text every minute of every hour? There are tons of people who don’t text at all and are ok with it. I don’t reach out to people as much anymore, either, so why do I expect to be reached out to? Why do I put so much value in texting?
    • Expectation of others to text me
  • He isn’t texting me. I’m really not “all that” because he’s not texting me
    • Just because he isn’t texting me, doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about me. Just like I am to him. And, maybe he isn’t thinking about me at all. What does that mean? Am I worth less because WHF isn’t thinking about me and doesn’t want to see me all the time? This ties into attention seeking again. Why am I in such a need to get attention from men I think are attractive? Why do I care to get that adoration? Instead, I want raw, honest, and trustworthy friendships. I want to know the skeletons in their closets and know how they truly feel. There’s too much frontery in the world. How do I get there? I want to use it to benefit us though. That would be cool… but I’ll remember to aim for average.
    • There’s no such thing as an “all that” person. We’re all flawed people with faults.
    • Expectation of WHF to text me
  • My honesty will push people away
    • The fact that you hate everyone will push people away at least now, they’ll know why you pushed them away. Just don’t be a super cold and insensitive asshole.
    • Expectation of self to provide honesty and that it will push people away. Don’t expect this and it won’t happen. Make honesty come from a good place. Always, always, always, think before speaking. Are you speaking for you or for the other person?
  • My honesty is bad advice
    • Solution – only give advice if it’s solicited or allowed
    • Looking into how to stop this habit
    • I’ve unintentionally started this growth by asking people, first, if they want my opinion
    • This is the tension I have with Charlotte…I give too much unsolicited advice. I’ve stopped trying, though, which is why I thought our relationship was on the rocks. It’s not though…don’t create drama if it’s not there
    • I don’t have to ask so many questions – but, if it’s who I am… I can ask all I want to ask – then ask if they want opinion, advice, or a reminder that everything is going to be alright…
      • will this make me inhuman? Ah…. 
    • How to stop advising the victim (humor me…they are victim of my unsolicited advice)
    • I came to realize that advice was the last thing I needed. What I craved was for people to simply accept and acknowledge that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. All I really wanted was empathy and some company until the tide turned to ferry me out.

      After my moment of clarity I cringed because I, too, surely have hurt someone’s feelings in the past by giving them advice when they’d not asked for it. And the sad depth of that realization made me feel ill. And guilty.

      The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and unsolicited advice is the mortar.

  • I am not living in a soap opera
    • Stop thinking everything is awkward when there’s no communication going on. Get out of their heads, damn it.

So maybe what I can work on is my sense of expectations for myself and for others. Be okay with how I talk with people, but don’t give unsolicited advice. Don’t be affected by others opinions/behavior/perceived thoughts, really think about what I’ll say as to not talk about other people’s business. Gossip is a monster I must tackle… just as bad as binge eating.