18 Days Later…

“Hey, sorry for taking so long to respond. I appreciate everything you said. I hope I can live up to it. The fact of the matter for me is that I can’t see myself committing to a relationship. You know I think you’re amazing. I count on us being close for our whole lives. I was out of town last week, but we can talk in person sometime if you’d prefer.”

I find comfort in the fact that he replied, the days it took to get here was grueling but the wait was worth it. What I feel is alleviation, at least right now. I was putting myself through a self-esteem hell but now, he’s given me what I needed in this moment and I think I can let go.

My instinct is to jump on the offer for an in person conversation. I vainly want him to see me with my weight loss, I want to collect his desire as if that would equate to true love…

but it never will… what makes me so special that I could turn his mind around? Make him want to commit? I can’t. No one can encourage another to commit. I honestly thought/think my looks could turn the tide but really, is that seriously what I think would happen? My looks have been the same minus 20 lbs. It’s my personality. We’re not a good match, he’s not into it. I must get over that and get on with my life.

I don’t know what to do now… if I don’t respond then I will commit the same abuse I felt while being “ghosted”. If I do respond, I know I’ll just wait for a reply again and remain in hopes of having his love. If I do respond, what would I even say? Am I ok with being close to him “our whole life” if he isn’t mine? Can he really do that as well if I was with someone else? Our history tells me probably not.

It took him two and a half weeks to reply – I shouldn’t feel bad for not answering at least in the time being. A part of me does want him to wait – how immature right? Perhaps I won’t respond at all – but then I would be no better than him.

_________________________________________________________________

Weight Loss

I’m down to 143 lbs… that’s college weight. I can run in gym shorts..I ran in a non-chastity like armor bra this morning. I’m making good progress. My boobs are saggy but the actual boob looks pretty good. I’m not done yet… I’m going to be in the best shape of my life here in a couple months. But – I must stay grounded… weight and looks does not equal worth… there’s no such thing as a person’s worth.

 

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