:( … but I respect your honesty

if I say anything, anything at all, I will restart the process of waiting for his reply.

if I say nothing, nothing at all, then I have nothing to look forward to.

I talked with Leighann about it, and she told me about her time with Brendan and how she was completely in love with him knowing that he was not in love with her. She had to finally realize that on her own one day that that was how it always was going to be. I was honest about my thoughts of changing his mind. She looked at me like, “yeah, you know how those things usually go…” and I do…

She said it’s not wrong if I reach out to him, but just know the longer I prolong it the more I will most likely stay hurt.

What do I do?

In life… I’ve developed confidence in my career and relationship life… but when it comes to romantic love, I am completely hopeless and probably an idiot. Why is that?

It’s hard because I can’t predict what I’ll think here in a few days after I send this message. Will I regret it? Will he answer? Will that be all? Just a thank you for your honesty..then nothing at all.

I get a sour feeling in my stomach, and a twist in my heart just thinking about texting him.

I hate this.

I hate love.

Heart: Hey mind…

Mind: Hey heart…

Heart: Here we are again…

Mind: Here we are…

Heart: I feel heavy, overcasted from time to time when you think of him.

Mind: I’ve tried not to think of him..

Heart: I know, the fact that you still do means something… he’s not that easy to get over.

Mind: Yeah, so what do we do?

Heart: I want to text to him, I want to talk to him, I want him…

Mind: I know, I do too, but what do we do if he doesn’t want us? What if we got so wrapped up in him, then he goes off and loves someone else?

Heart: It would be the end of me…

Mind: It would…

Heart: Mind, are you strong enough to survive it? Would being shut down by him be a humbling and growing experience or would it set you back? We’re already feeling pretty low self esteem as it is, despite the weight loss.

Mind: Perhaps that’s why sending the simple message of respecting his honesty would be good…right? It’s a response, it’s not spiteful, and it could very well be the end. You can’t avoid the end by not responding…

:(… but, I respect your honesty Billiam.

…and I sent it to the wrong person…

Perhaps that was divine intervention.

My gut told me to reach out to him, to let him in, to realize my love for him, to be honest with him…and now it’s telling me to finish this off with this text…I do not know the outcome. Love is fucking hard.

What I sent was fine. It wasn’t desperate it was… a declaration of moving on.

I love you, Vien.

 

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