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I’m watching Shameless, season 6, 4th episode possibly. Como girls are spending the night tonight, coming by at 11pm from their Worlds of Fun fund. My GL, Daphne, made some English Scones for me. I’m looking forward to building our relationship.

My room is clean, I’m watching huge T.V… a candle is burning. Twin is on the couch in the living room. I made sinigang for dinner for myself, Twin, and Jake. It turned out pretty good. That was the only thing I had today meal wise, and the 10 mile run. I want to get into really good shape. I want, god damn it, I want him to change his mind and to want me. Is that extremely stupid?

My fantasy plays out like this… we hang out, he is really attracted to me physically, we have a great time hanging out, we kiss, but I won’t let him inside anymore. Not until he texts me one night that he really wants to tell me something, as I did him last month. I want him to tell me he does want commitment with me now. And then, my heart is going to slam in my chest. Everything I wanted is coming true, but something is wrong. I’m scared, this doesn’t automatically mean happiness. He’s wanting this just to get in my pants, at least that’s what I’ll think. But I’ll believe him anyways and will do my best to push those thoughts away as he makes love to me for the first time in months. Then, he’ll roll over and pull me close and not say a word. We’ll lay in bed for another hour. My thoughts will wander to things I could be doing if I were home in my own bed, in front of my big T.V. I would bite my tongue to not spoil the water between him and I. He’d drop me off in the morning without much of any words and I’ll turn towards the door questioning his feelings. He’ll catch my arm and pull me in for a kiss..another spoon full of soup for my hungry heart.

He won’t text me for three days.

He’ll wonder why I seem distant, I’ll ask to talk to him in person. I’ll try my best to stay objective and dance around the issue, “does it make me needy if I miss you after a day of not talking?”

I’ll do my best to understand his love style, his schedule, his hobbies, his life, his everything. And he’d do his best to care…he’d do his best to truly care. He’d do his best to do something that comes so natural to me, so basic. I love his person.

Then I’d meet someone knew. This new guy, he’s completely different, yet so similar. He’s extremely handsome and he seems to have eyes for me. I’ll start to think of him while I’m with Billy. I’ll talk to him as I would talk to this new person and Billy would, not respond the way I want him to. But this new guy would, I would think.

Pressure will build, I’ll begin to distant myself from both. Billy will begin to call me more and text me more as he senses something is off. We’ll get together that night and I will break down and tell him everything I’ve been feeling. In my head, I’ll think he’s going to be turned off and will leave. He’ll be taken aback, he’ll go for a walk. This time, though, I won’t leave. I won’t ignore him, I won’t ignore myself. I’ll wait and he’ll return. We’ll talk it out, he’ll hold me and tell  me that he loves me as he held me from behind. I’ll turn around and look him in the eyes, and sincerely tell him that I love him.

But he’ll never be the guy that gives me the kind of love. And I see this new guy from time to time, he texts from time to time, meaningful ones too. Not the, how are you doing. But the kind that tells me he listened and thinks of me. And I’ll start to think of him more and more. Until it eats me that I am thinking about him by being with this one guy that I wanted so badly.

So we’ll meet one night. I’ll look at him and he’ll look at me. We’ll both know why we’re there. So I tell him what I told Billy the night before, something that was bugging me so much. He listened and spoke to me, he touched my heart with what he was saying. And suddenly, everything made since. This new person, this guy that came out of left field, stole my heart from Billy. But I don’t say anything, I hold my composure. I go home to Billy and don’t say a word. He turns towards me and sees me crying and knows it’s the end.

And it was the end.

But it was also the beginning.

Goodbye my almost lover..

Hello my forever ❤

_________________________________________________________________

 

In the present though, I am without him. I hope that this is coping and not insanity. I hope that I am getting better little by little each day. Writing about it makes me feel better, running does as well. I just came back from a 6 mile jog around the city. I stopped at Barkley and went up to the rooftop parking lot. I sat where, a year ago, I sat crying, feeling stuck with work.

Today, I am unstuck and better than ever, but I am without him.

Today was also Ashly’s baby shower for Lily. I’m extremely elated for her to come into our lives. I canceled my Thanksgiving trip because, well, a trip is coming to me as Lola says. Mo, Mike, Nathan, Courtney, her husband, and Lily are going to be in Kansas City then…I couldn’t miss out on that. Before going over there, we went through my parents lock box for old pictures. I found my parents wedding ring and I asked if I could wear it and my mom welcomed it. So I am wearing both my mom and dad’s wedding band, because, they haven’t worn it for years and years. It means a lot to me that they belonged to them…it was bought once as a testament to their relationship… it may be the only wedding band I’ll ever wear.

blah. I’m so… lonely sounds too desperate.. if I were desperate I probably could be with someone. I’m missing my person, my best friend, partner in crime, my other half, my soul speak.

Each day is a great day, I am extremely appreciative of my easy life. It’s just, I’m at a loss at night when I don’t have my person to unwind with…it’s as if the day isn’t finished…I just live in a constant loop. And I wonder, Billy must be so happy. He must be with someone, he must be doing something right as I am just in shambles constantly thinking of him…and with just one single quick text, he could make my entire day. How unfair is that withholding? Why am I still here waiting? I go through old emails and chats between him and I, I see old pictures of him and it just… it makes me really sad for us. I keep thinking, and thinking, and thinking of it…

What do I do?

 

 

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