Slut

These guys don’t want to be in relationships. I don’t understand it. How do they not want that familiarity, partnership, and warmth. I want to give that part of myself so bad – to the right person.

Last night I slept with a guy. We didn’t go all the way, I wouldn’t allow it. But my co-workers don’t know that. Yes… this guy is a co-worker. He isn’t the guy I typically go for, but when alcohol is in the mix, you do and say things you typically wouldn’t, right?

This guy was so far removed from deep emotions – that was a big reason why we didn’t go all the way. But the main reason is because I’m scarred from WHF. I knew if I let this guy in, I’d be another emotional wreck.

This whole day has been a mental blur. I was preoccupied with internal and external shame the whole day. It sounds like the whole company thinks he and I had sex and I can’t help but think what others think of me. I know, I know, it shouldn’t matter. I think eventually I’ll believe that it doesn’t matter but today was a tough day. I’m black and blue from beating myself up.

What I did, was it wrong?

Why it was wrong: 

  1. I don’t like the guy
  2. The whole company is talking (it’s a bigger deal in my head than what I think it really is to everyone)
  3. The main reason – I may have pigeon holed myself to this one person.

Meaning, I have crushes on a couple guys here, and because of last night, I probably won’t make any moves with anyone else. I don’t want to be known as the girl who is easy and gets around.

Why it was right:

  1. It’s what I wanted to do in the moment
  2. He was very attentive and sexual 
  3. The guys I have crushes on, they may be in relationships already, or we really wouldn’t click anyways so why wait
  4. There were moments that I kept in my heart, where it felt like he and I were together and it was really pleasant

I hate that my big is talking about it with other co-workers. I feel a little hurt by it and I wonder what gossips are being said. I’ve never been in this position before. I have two sides. One is proud that I didn’t go all the way with him and that I am living in the moment. I’m fucking single god damn it!

The other side though, feel like I betrayed other guys that I’ve given eyes to. Is that silly? What must they think of me. When we all go to Vegas, what’s going to happen? I’ve lost the chance to get cozy with another. I just hope, perhaps, at that point I’ll be in a relationship and won’t have to worry about that.

Anyways. I had to write about it. I’ve been feeling really off this whole day because of this. I really feel the strange and uncomfortable ache in my heart. Do I regret it? Fuck. I think I might. I don’t know. I regret it because he isn’t my person…but in reality, I don’t know if any of these guys here is my person. I don’t regret enjoying myself, I regret what others think and closed doors because of this.

I’m 26, almost 27. I’m ready for companionship and frequent sex. I just feel… lost right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be found either.

Ledge talk:

  • You are slutty… you are eyeing so many guys
    • I am not slutty. I am single and ready to mingle. How else am I suppose to meet my potential person if I don’t put myself out there?
  • The whole company thinks you are easy, and not picky
    • I don’t know what the whole company thinks. If this is true, it’s only a few people. Even then, I am not a mind reader
  • The whole company is talking
    • again, I don’t know what the whole company is saying – and my mess is their entertainment. I am not less of a woman because of this
  • I won’t be able to bond with any other guy now, or else I’ll be labeled as a slut
    • You’ll survive Vien. None of these guys were super impressive anyways so really, are you missing out on anything?

The good:

It did feel really good being with him. He was attentive, warm, cuddly, he was my sexual style. He was rough and gentle, he had stamina, and his little kisses were sweet. He showed me his day to day work, working with .php. I think I trust this guy – as strange as that sounds. He isn’t into relationships and was very upfront about it. He refused to show me something that was ‘top secret’ with work, I respected that a lot.

Anyways…I hope I feel better tomorrow…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s