I ran around New Orleans, my third run overall. Each morning I question if I should…then I do…and when I come back I feel much better.
The endorphin is my medicine for my overthinking brain.
I realized something on this morning’s run that almost brought me to my knees. This whole time, I thought I had daddy issues which caused my obsession with guys but in reality it was more so mommy issues.
I don’t trust people. No matter how close we get. There is always a part of me that feels petty and spiteful towards my closest friends when I perceive I’m the butt of jokes or if I was taken advantage of. I absolutely hate that I feel that way. I don’t want to feel that way. Mostly because I know its all in my head.
What sparked all this was my own slut shaming I was doing to myself. No one was calling me a slut. I was just mind reading and was beating myself up for it…
As for mommy issues…
My whole adulthood I thought I was boy crazy in search of validation I don’t get from my dad… In reality, the men in my life validates me (my dad and brother). My mom on the other hand does not. It is she who I question whether or not she loves me…I truly doubt most of the time that she does.
To her I’m a disappointment if I don’t do exactly as she likes. No matter what I strive for and accomplish, she is not proud. She only sees what I don’t do and the weight that I’ve lost. I carry my uncertainty in our relationship into other relationships. I’m thirsty for guys because they can validate me in ways I wish my mom did…that adoration I guess.
I can’t imagine what my mom went through in childhood to develop this way… My sister has it a little bit too. That’s why I’ve always loved my brother for genuinely loving people and I try to learn that trait from him rather than constant skeptism when it comes to people… Ironically he, the one to always be made ashamed, is the most loveable guy I know. I have to tell him that. I want him to know how special he is.
I don’t know what to do with this new found information other than being aware of the feeling of distrust in females when it comes up. I cling to guys because it familiar to me…I get positive feelings from my dad and brother I try to recreate it with guys.
So…this encourages my boy crazy behavior. I am so set on finding love to fill the hole my mom refuses to fill. Then I get into these relationship that doesn’t validate me and become miserable. I then binge eat and become unhappy. I break up and start it all over again.
I somehow have to find a way to genuinely be proud of myself for my accomplishments without her adoration. I have to fight her projection of me not being enough with my own belief that I am. How do I get there?
I truly don’t know…but at least I know the question to ask now. Step one (started today) is putting aside that spiteful feeling when issues arise with my girlfriends. I’ve gotten so close to a hand full now that I truly can say I love them. I love them as much as my mom because they’ve been there for me in ways she wasn’t, they are my sanity check, my sisters that are completely different from Mo. I love them all with my whole heart.
For a moment this morning I thought my problem was that I am a sex addict. I might be. I think about it all the time. I hate that girls have this slut stigma whereas its normal for guys to fuck around… I want to fuck around without the label of easy or slutty. Its unfair. But also…I do get attached. How do I learn detachment to get what I want physically?
JP asked about coming in November. In person I was visibly against it (not verbal)… But now I’m wondering… It would be fun to have him stay a day or two… We could pretend to be together…enjoy each other’s body and company. Work together even. I would love to see him in coding action. It’s a terrible idea though because he too doesn’t want a relationship. What the fuck is up with these guys..what’s up with me? I am the common denominator..they’re holding off till something better comes along or they have work to do on themselves to get rid of reasons why they think they don’t want to commit. It could be selfish reasons but it also could be insecurity.
Now that I’m thinking about it…perhaps I don’t want to commit. Its fun experiencing new things with new people for sure… Maybe I can’t settle down…
Anyways..yeah..this Korean kid is on my mind. His demeanor is immature but my god does he aim to please in the bedroom. It was all about me that night..even though we didn’t bang and kept our clothes on. He was talking dirty and it was, frankly, fucking hot. I don’t recall anyone else being as smooth that way as him. And he speaks Korean…but he hasn’t reached out to me at all since we were close Saturday night. For the first time I am not going to be the first to reach out to anyone other than WHF. I’m use to disappointment of affections unreturned with him so I want to just keep that disappointment with one person.
Speaking of which… I did reach out even though I haven’t posted about it and we may see each other Thursday. Slut vien strikes again. Perhaps I’ll reclaim the word?
Or maybe I’m going wild. One day, the tables are bound to turn won’t they? Will there be a day when all of a sudden these guys would want a relationship and I would have to be the one to reject or accept…or feed them their own recipe of ‘I don’t want to commit’. Or maybe it won’t happen because no matter how thin I get my face is still average and my personality might not be enough to pin me to the front of their minds.