Something Must Change, For the Sake of My Heart

I’m writing a lot because, well, I need the therapy. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself with these boys & my life. What the hell am I looking for? What the hell am I deeply needing that badly.

I’ve embarrassed myself up and down the boulevard. No, I’m not a getting around at all – but I am just continuously looking for companionship and it’s only hurting me. No one is to blame, not even me. It’s just how I am.

But I can change. I have to for the sake of my heart. Let’s dive deep. Here is a complete list of guys:

WHF

  • The O.G., the heart crusher, THAT GUY
  • I was clingy, he was detached
  • He understood me, and I him
  • He didn’t want to commit but stayed because he didn’t want to be alone
  • I was the one to always, always, reached out to him first
  • EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

Result: Heart broken, hurt ego, feeling unwanted and unloveable

BFB (Best friend’s brother)

  • He gave me attention
  • Being with him was a fulfillment of a decade long crush
  • He was in another relationship already
  • He did not pursue me, I invited myself into his place when we were both drunk
  • EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

Result: Heart broken, hurt ego, feeling unwanted and unloveable

OIB (Old intern buddy)

  • I was kind of attracted to him at first and he seemed to return the same feelings
  • He just got out of a long term relationship, I was the rebound
  • Fell for him hard, banged, then I got scared when he said he wasn’t feeling it and I ran away
  • I can’t remember how this started…but according to my track record, I probably reached out to him first
  • EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

Result: Heart broken, hurt ego, feeling unwanted and unloveable

KFH (Knew from highschool)

  • He pursued me hard
  • I let him
  • We didn’t click
  • I broke up with him
  • He approached me
  • AVAILABLE

Result: Felt like I did him wrong, breaking up was hard, but I was better for it

FRR (First real relationship)

  • He treated me like a queen
  • Chemistry wasn’t there for me
  • He approached me
  • AVAILABLE

Result: Felt like I did him wrong, breaking up was hard, but I was better for it

ACW (AIB Co-worker)

  • We didn’t go all the way
  • But I messaged him and felt rejected. I knew he didn’t want to commit – not like I want him to either
  • I messaged him drunkenly first
  • EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

Result: Felt ashamed, desperate, slutty, and clingly (not that I acted on it but thoughts are enough)

4CW (40D Co-worker)

  • I kind of pursued him…really subtly. Last email was sent by me – he didn’t respond
  • No physical contact or out right flirtation happened
  • I messaged him first
  • UH – NOT SURE AT ALL.

Result: Felt rejected, unloveable

So the pattern with boys for me is I’m either head over heels and rejected OR I don’t return the same feelings. It must be my inability to choose…the guys that have hurt me are guys I’ve pursued. I’m 26 going on 27, why am I struggling with this still? Will I ever find someone who finds me loveable? To be fair, I am upfront with maybe 30% of these guys about my feelings. So that could be a reason too, unless it’s only an excuse.

I truly don’t know. I think this is the universe’s way of telling me to let this wanting go. I was meant to focus on something else entirely. I was meant to be alone but successful at my craft (I can only hope for the successful part). I’m such a sexual person that I want that in my life consistently, but I can’t have it (unless I swipe right) and it sucks. I’m not going to be an easy girl… I’ve been with 5 guys intimately (plus 1 without going all the way) – I don’t think that’s a lot for my age but I hate, hate, hate how it makes me feel.

This isn’t me.

This isn’t me at all. I was meant to focus on something else in life other than the mess of love. How do I refuse myself these yearnings without growing into a cold hearted person. What if in refusing, as a way of protection, I lose out on someone great? I don’t know. These aren’t bad issues to deal with. I have money, a great job, great friends, and I am smart. The only thing I have to deal with is loneliness – which I think I can fix. It’s a mindset thing. I have lots of friends. I shouldn’t feel lonely. But I do. So this is my predicament…

The more I pursue, the more I act desperate and reach out (I.E. ACW and WHF) – the more I get rejected. If you put your hands on the stove it might or might not burn – you just don’t know if it’s on or not. I’ve tested it enough times to know…it’s on. I go for guys who outrightly tell me they’re not available then get surprised and hurt by it. Perhaps it’s a comfortable pain that I put myself through. It reminds me of the rejection I feel with my parents..yeah yeah, I’m not a psychiatrist. But that high is addicting. The sadness and the elate feeling when the other does show some sort of interest. It’s an addiction.

I have to cut myself off.

Just as I’ve cut my weight by 30 lbs. so will I cut out this addicktion (see what I did there?). It’s going to be really really hard, but truly, my heart and mind cannot take it anymore. It’s inflicting self harm. It’s just as bad as when I use to be bulimic or chain smoke. This, this what I’m searching for…it’s unhealthy, it’s an addiction. I’m not thinking clearly.

One thing I must realize…I am now attractive enough for guys to want to pursue sexually. That’s not me being vain, it’s me recognizing a part of the issue. Once I recognize this, I can have better self control. If I already expect it, I won’t be elated when they give me eyes or allow me into their bedrooms. No…I’ll know I can make sticks hard – I just have to be choosy about which stick to erect. So..here’s a parallel…

ACW slipped in like Frogger waiting for his chance, I guess he made good timing and made it to my side. I won’t beat myself up for it at all. Everything is connected. Without my relation with him, I would not have realized this.

Food – I stopped using it to cope with my anxiety and stress. I replaced it with tackling the stressful task and coupling it with therapeutic runs and writing… like I am doing right now.

Sex – I must stop using this to cope with my insecurities (wherever it may have stemmed from). I will replace it with tackling hobbies no matter how challenging and coupling it with therapeutic runs, writing (blog and song writing). I will also couple it with publicity – posting my songs. I want to care about something, genuinely, so much more than I care about getting attention from boys. I’m just afraid I’ll be old and alone is all – but at least my heart will be semi whole and not at a negative number. Maybe at that point I won’t think about sex as often.

Getting over the food addiction, my God, took a decade. This next addiction, the addiction of male attention is even harder. It overlapped my food addiction. It will be a challenge, but I will be for the better. How productive I would be in my work and hobby life, if I transferred male attention to those two instead? I would be very successful. I believe it.

Perhaps the first step to this rehab is no more masturbation and no more flirtation. It sounds like a boring life but hopefully it won’t be as my skills in my hobbies increase. Maybe then…just maybe, my person will come along and merge into my lane.

Now…on to something else.. breaking up with friends…

I think the time has come for me to distance myself from someone I was very very close with. She broke my trust in a way that I cannot explain. That on top of the other stresses I feel has driven me to this. I did not confront her, I don’t know if I will. I just know that I cannot continue to be the person I was with her now, as I was before. I know this goes back on my concern about distrusting females, but with her, I truly feel it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to say what she did, I just want to mark it down that today was the day I became courageous and let people go.

 

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