No wonder people are worried about me. I’ve dropped weight like switching bodysuits overnight. I don’t feel unhealthy at all. Right now I’m sick, possibly, my body’s immune system has gotten weak and I bought some AirBorn to fight it. But overall I feel healthy. Mentally I feel off because I’m changing as a person. In dropping weight, I’m becoming someone different. I am becoming someone who doesn’t want to deal with bull shit anymore. But this characteristic is in its infancy so I feel unstable because my opposing characteristics are questioning each other – losing friends is a big trigger for argument. I’m not cocky, I don’t think I’m the best at anything, or am beautiful, talented, a great person, etc. Actually, I admit I am a pretty shitty person. And that’s ok. I don’t have to prove otherwise.
On my walk I realized a few things, I don’t know if it’ll progress but here it is:
– Don’t let others opinions have an affect on you. Yes, people will talk smack and you will care a little bit, just don’t let it affect you as a person. Keep doing what you’re doing.
– AllBox isn’t my destiny. I worry about my job because of this petty drama. That in itself tells me something is toxic here. Work shouldn’t be about social hierarchy, it should be about developing skills and our mindsets. AllBox is a hub for gossip and favoritism as the only way in is through personal connections. Our parents are away (bosses) and we’re left to defend for ourselves here. Working remotely is great, the freedom is unbeatable, but perhaps there is a place I can move on to that will provide more of the growth environment I am seeking and the freedom. But, I won’t be hasty. I will just not put as much effort into reaching out as I did up until now, but will still be pleasant and curious. Who knows, maybe I can adapt to this environment and be happy.
– I haven’t been truly independent. I jumped from my parents, to Beth, to Dylan, and to Barb. But now I’m jumping onto my own path. I don’t want anyone to hold anything over me and make me feel a certain way to feed their ego. One day, I’m going to be nestled inside a cozy, neat, and warm apartment with a cup of hot cocoa. My weight won’t be consistently on my mind, and I have the Sunday off. My job will be my passion where I work from home and don’t have to feel bad for being who I am in the workplace and pressured to change. I will really be “doing my own thing”.