It’s getting hot, almost too hot to bear. I’ve lost Barb and I’ve lost Charlotte. I’m feeling myself distancing from Lorence and Pip. I don’t know what’s going to happen or if my job is at stake because of our cold shoulder towards each other, Barb and I. I’m not incredibly sad, at times a little lonely, but I’ve always felt that regardless. This time, I won’t have people to fake the feeling with. Maybe that’s better. Maybe I’ll find people who I don’t have to fake the feeling with. Who knows. Maybe I don’t hate everyone, just some – or most.
Is this the point where my life crashes and burns? Because I am seemingly cold to people? I’ll update you later…
With Charlotte – she needs me emotionally and I’ve given all I’ve can. I am not who she needs in a friend. I’m too honest, too advisable when unwanted. But that’s who I am. Should I change or should we bid each other fair well and accept the roles we’ve played in each others lives? Maybe me letting her go will in a way push her to do what she always wanted, to prove me up. Or maybe I was suppose to be positive even though anything I suggest, she most likely will make me feel silly for it. I didn’t like feeling that way anymore, so I stopped trying to help because I truly can’t.
With Barb – she got me my current job, but she adds a layer of stress into my life. That is harsh and selfish coming out, but it’s true. I did what I thought best in repaying her, but there comes a point where I can’t live in the same stress she lives under. She was pulling me under her cloud until I became short to break away. I don’t want to freak out over things I normally wouldn’t freak out over, I don’t want to think about gossips and social hierarchy being the true hierarchy when it comes to career success as she has me believing. It may be true, but I enjoyed living in oblivion. I think. I just couldn’t anymore, at least for now. As if I had a choice.
Those are the two main relationships that I feel are coming to an end.