I’ve mentioned before that I am annoyed by most, it kick started my desire to distance myself from people. I did this because I didn’t know what to believe anymore. Pip and Lorence aren’t up front people, they put up a front until the person is out of the picture, just like Barb. I need people to set me straight, I guess.
Typically I’d reach out to Charlotte and we’d talk about things…which recently, it has been mostly about her unhappiness within her company. I’ve distance myself because I feel I can’t help her genuinely, I’ve tried before but have been met with feeling like I am only making her angry with my honesty. So, this week, we’ve been distant. I haven’t spoken to her this morning – it is me who is pushing her away. I’m feeling off because of that. I want to reach out, but what for?
I’d also reach out to Barb, because she is my closest confident here at work. But I’ve distance myself with her as well because, she broke my trust. She gossips, and I truly believe she is the reason word got out that me and ACW were seeing each other that Saturday night in Nola. I don’t want to be close to someone like that. I’ve witness her bash on people and be nice to their face, I can’t do it. I think, this relationship I’m most ok with letting go as sad as that sounds. It’s awkward though, the silence is deafening.
Because of my relationship with Barb, I feel uneasy with work. Who knows what she is talking about with other people, who knows if her indifference towards me will stunt my growth here. It worries me that the comfortable life I’ve created is at stake. But, I’ve thought about this. If they were to let me go, I will be ok. My backup plan is to move to California and work at Mo’s restaurant while having more time to play with guitar and discover the music scene there. That wouldn’t be bad at all.
My god. I am distancing myself from who use to be my closest pals. I don’t know if they’ll ever be replaced or if this is the worst idea ever. Should I bite my tongue and opinions? I don’t want to lose their friendships, but I no longer want to let them in either. I’ve been disappointed too many times.
Anyways. That’s where I’m at in this point in time. Uneasy about relationships as always – except this time I’m more in control (at least I think so). I don’t want to grovel for their love and trust, no.
So what am I to do?
Silence my worries, be friendly but guarded… but is that what will bring happiness? Being guarded? It could be my naiveness and this is how the world works. It’s all in pretending. I was thinking, perhaps I should seek knowledge and find friend groups there, but even then, I’m sure there are relationship issues as this that will annoy me. But perhaps not. I don’t know, I have to experience it to find out. It took me 6 years to finally distance myself from those that aren’t great for me, how long will it take me to find a nook of a home?
I have no idea. I’ll just take this one day at a time. I will learn to love myself and not worry about what others say, or what I think others are thinking. That’s the best I can do.