Keep Writing

When things go well, I stop writing. So I stop reflecting, which means things will go wrong again. So this post is my effort to write even when I didn’t feel like it. To be honest, I wasn’t going to write until I noticed myself freaking out, again, about my social relationships.

How I’m feeling today:

Overall, I am feeling good. I am a bit sick still (had it since coming back from Nola). I am exercising well, I think, but am also eating more. I was losing weight really rapidly so I am giving into my cravings a bit more now. I fear it may stomp my weight loss, but I think the intensity of my workouts since Wednesday night has been good. Here’s a breakdown:

Wednesday: Long walk around the city, spin class + ablab (with Charlotte) at 6pm.

Thursday: Walked around the track for 30 minutes, swam laps (most number of laps done!), did the elliptical for 30 minutes.

Friday (today): Walked for 10 minutes, ran (intensity progressed), I was tired by the end of it. I then rowed (not as intense) for 15 minutes.

So exercise is good. My food intake, though, is what will be challenging. I acknowledge that I lost all this weight quickly because Dylan was a motivation. Now that I’m a bit more confident, and am not in need of his validation, I am craving more. What is the proper balance?

My ideal goal is to continue to lose weight, I would like my stomach to lose it’s mush at the very least. From there, it will be maintenance. I still feel overweight, I want to try to rid that feeling. Then I wonder, what will be my next vain obsession?

Goal ~ I would like to not have one

Update on hating everyone:

I am pretty cordial with most now. I am fighting between saying what people want to hear, and saying what’s only productive for the conversation. It’s a tug of war. I am on good terms with Barb. I stay positive and genuine in my conversations with her – but, no longer will I let her in.

I am on good terms with Charlotte for the time being. I was just reminded of why I don’t divulge too much with her is she is the quickest to throw in her 2 cents of negativity to any topic of conversation that really isn’t up for debate. For example: Me: I might go to downtown for Halloween Her: Downtown, not a fan. Now, my old reply would be “Me: Yeah, it gets pretty crazy”and her words would affect me negatively without me know. But now, I’m writing about it… and I’m analyzing it. Which I wasn’t intending to, this was going to be a rant about Charlotte…

This ties to my social rule of: Don’t let opinions of others affect you. 

Don’t let others opinions have an affect on you. Yes, people will talk smack and you will care a little bit, just don’t let it affect you as a person. Keep doing what you’re doing.

– Taken from old post: https://aimforaverage.wordpress.com/2016/10/26/137-lbs-my-god/

So, she has the right to react how she wants and say what she wants, I have the right to react the way I want. Do I try to change her mind or state my own opinion. Stating my own opinion should be the route. But, we go into heated back and forths when I state my opinion and don’t back down. Then I feel as if I were too harsh somehow. But, we’re still friends so I guess she doesn’t mind. Maybe it’s not a bad thing, growth will happen, right?

Next Steps:

I have lots of work to do and on a bit of a deadline. I also must start the ATM page tomorrow, devoting most the day to it. I cannot let frustration distract me as it has this morning.

Reminders to self even though you hate everyone:

Don’t be cocky and insensitive. You can be honest without being cocky or insensitive. If you can’t separate them, then you are a next level shitty person.

Lose the chip on your shoulder. Most thoughts that boost your ego are self created, unnoticed by most, and not based on proven facts.

All in all, don’t be overzealous when you see success. Let your results do the talking and let the people do the questioning. Don’t seek attention.

I can’t log out without talking about love. I was able to push that out of my mind for a few days, then I masturbated, then I started getting all “in want” of that feeling. Plus, I’m to start my period any day now. So I’m chalking all this up to hormones. After it’s done (period gone) I’ll be back to the self that doesn’t want it. All this growth can’t happen with a guy in my life right now, that’s 100% the truth.

 

 

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