4 lbs. gained in 3 days.
10/27 = 137
10/29 = 141
That’s how easy and quick it is to gain weight, especially with an eating ‘disorder’.
It’s done, but here’s a mind dump of why and what I can do next.
My theory (developed as I write): Every weekend, if I don’t have any plans I become bored. I worked really hard the entire day to get done with work by 5:30pm. Lorence and I decided to go to a buffet, then we started going all out (moreso me) on snacks. I ended up crashing at 9:30 anyways watching Walking Dead.
I was stupidly waiting on his text, I always do on the weekends. I think that encouraged my anxious eating too. Plus, when I’m full, it feels great to not do anything while being comforted by the fullness. By the end of the night, I was shifting my body trying to find a non painful position to lay in while watching the show. It soothed me to sleep.
Obviously, I like the pain, or at least how it makes me feel. I can take pain – perhaps that’s why I keep doing it. Fire is pain, though, and I don’t stick my hands on flames. But the pain of fullness isn’t painful at all.
Sorry, stomach. You’ve gotten so small and I’m abusing you by testing your stretching abilities. I think being single is a time given to me to really work with myself in dramatically reducing my need to binge. In doing so, I have to learn about the body, and it’s interrelationship with the mind which I hope will bring personal growth. Which, I feel cheesy for saying. We’re in a personal growth era…it’s neither right nor wrong. It just is.
Like what I’m doing. High, lying comfortably in my bed with dim lights on, reading about science and trying to investigate my behavior like Sherlock. Chester is nestled to my right. He is the perfect single girl dog. He gives kisses, he cuddles, he is playful, he behaves well for the most part, he has his vices as we all do. Best of it all? He snorts a little! They’re the cutest noises ever, most when he’s looking at you with his tired face.
I naturally wake early (it’s 6:40am). I don’t have the urge to binge, I’m at peace, my roommates are asleep. Hmm… I don’t have the urge to binge, yet last night I did. That’s really interesting. Is it the period of time in between or is it the difference between morning and night for me? Next steps: Encourage self to sleep when feeling sleepy, or feeling the urge to binge.
I binge at night, encouraged more by sleepiness. Maybe I should start expecting to go to bed earlier. Yesterday it was 9pm. What if we should put less focus on sleep and more focus on how many awake hours you’re getting in.
I’ve had big binges before that I’ve beaten myself up for, but I’ve learned the most about myself through those binges. It’s my body’s way of saying, something isn’t right and I want to change it. I just have to be smart and figure out what’s wrong. Perhaps this time, one of the messages was, “this diet you’re on isn’t sustainable”. It was a warning before it crashed (when I typically start regaining every single pound plus possibly more).
Knowledge: I want to share cool discoveries, but often they aren’t wanted or people have no idea what I’m talking about. Knowledge also causes anxiety, if I teach people my skills, will they “take my job”? Perhaps, don’t be overzealous when you read interesting things, not everyone will think it as interesting. Because of that, that knowledge isn’t going to add to your value.
Such as knowing that you have 2 brains, one in your head, and the other is your gut. There are two nerves that line your intestines, these nerves secrete dopamine and serotonin, among other things to keep the intestinal contractions going as well as in your entire body to heal blood cells. I should check on my serotonin levels. Those regulate sleep and depression.
Main takeaway there is there is a relationship between the mind and the gut. There’s a reason I’m encourage to eat, eat, and eat when I know something isn’t right in my head. Either I’m overthinking something, or I’m beating myself up for something. And the process from start to finish can span a couple weeks. Perhaps this eating is telling me, “hey, it’s time to self reflect and heal from whatever you are beating yourself over so we don’t make this into a 2 week ordeal.”
Perhaps it’s flight or fight and this time, I’m choosing to stay for the battle. Staying for the battle means:
- putting down the spoon
- not having an extra plate
- not beating myself up for thoughts that I have or honesty that I put into the world
- not letting other’s opinions affect me. And continuing to, kind of, hate everybody
- not let other’s actions/behavior affect me
- when tasks seem challenging or I feel myself losing confidence, I’ll power through