Self Reflection

I read through my last post and realized I actually do need to do the self reflecting parts. Write out what is bugging me and challenge those thoughts.

Negative Thoughts:

  • I keep seeing 0 texts. 0 texts = 0 care? I get a sinking feeling when I don’t see any texts from people. I’ve tried so hard to tweak my tools to make myself not feel that way. I’ve silence my texting notification basically, and am not on social media.
    • Why do I expect to have a text every minute of every hour? There are tons of people who don’t text at all and are ok with it. I don’t reach out to people as much anymore, either, so why do I expect to be reached out to? Why do I put so much value in texting?
    • Expectation of others to text me
  • He isn’t texting me. I’m really not “all that” because he’s not texting me
    • Just because he isn’t texting me, doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about me. Just like I am to him. And, maybe he isn’t thinking about me at all. What does that mean? Am I worth less because WHF isn’t thinking about me and doesn’t want to see me all the time? This ties into attention seeking again. Why am I in such a need to get attention from men I think are attractive? Why do I care to get that adoration? Instead, I want raw, honest, and trustworthy friendships. I want to know the skeletons in their closets and know how they truly feel. There’s too much frontery in the world. How do I get there? I want to use it to benefit us though. That would be cool… but I’ll remember to aim for average.
    • There’s no such thing as an “all that” person. We’re all flawed people with faults.
    • Expectation of WHF to text me
  • My honesty will push people away
    • The fact that you hate everyone will push people away at least now, they’ll know why you pushed them away. Just don’t be a super cold and insensitive asshole.
    • Expectation of self to provide honesty and that it will push people away. Don’t expect this and it won’t happen. Make honesty come from a good place. Always, always, always, think before speaking. Are you speaking for you or for the other person?
  • My honesty is bad advice
    • Solution – only give advice if it’s solicited or allowed
    • Looking into how to stop this habit
    • I’ve unintentionally started this growth by asking people, first, if they want my opinion
    • This is the tension I have with Charlotte…I give too much unsolicited advice. I’ve stopped trying, though, which is why I thought our relationship was on the rocks. It’s not though…don’t create drama if it’s not there
    • I don’t have to ask so many questions – but, if it’s who I am… I can ask all I want to ask – then ask if they want opinion, advice, or a reminder that everything is going to be alright…
      • will this make me inhuman? Ah…. 
    • How to stop advising the victim (humor me…they are victim of my unsolicited advice)
    • I came to realize that advice was the last thing I needed. What I craved was for people to simply accept and acknowledge that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. All I really wanted was empathy and some company until the tide turned to ferry me out.

      After my moment of clarity I cringed because I, too, surely have hurt someone’s feelings in the past by giving them advice when they’d not asked for it. And the sad depth of that realization made me feel ill. And guilty.

      The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and unsolicited advice is the mortar.

  • I am not living in a soap opera
    • Stop thinking everything is awkward when there’s no communication going on. Get out of their heads, damn it.

So maybe what I can work on is my sense of expectations for myself and for others. Be okay with how I talk with people, but don’t give unsolicited advice. Don’t be affected by others opinions/behavior/perceived thoughts, really think about what I’ll say as to not talk about other people’s business. Gossip is a monster I must tackle… just as bad as binge eating.

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