Stuck

Thoughts create feelings which in turn creates this feeling of being stuck. Right now, I should be at home with family, or I should be visiting my Colorado friend because both family and her are leaving tomorrow. The way I’m feeling, though, is tired.

I don’t want to spend anymore time home – because – it’s all in my head. Judgements, taking things personal, all is in my head which makes me not want to go home. The world and the people in it can present themselves however they want, but I chose to take things personal – perhaps because I believe it a little bit as well.

I don’t know what good food is, I don’t have my own life, I’m attached at the hip to people, I’m a crazy dog lady, I’m lonely, I’m desperate, I’m a bad daughter, I’ll regret my actions when I’m older, I should be runnin, I shouldn’t have eaten that hamburger, fries, and onion rings. Who is this person talking? I would never say this about anyone else, why do I say it to myself?

What is all this? Why do I feel the way I feel and think the way I think? Why do I let what others say and do affect me so much? Why do I put so much focus on them, and not me? Why don’t I lower my voice and speak kindly to myself, and ask myself, what’s wrong?

I don’t know, I just know, I don’t even want to be layin in my bed right now because, I truly don’t know what I want, who I want to be around, and what I should be doing. I don’t know who I am either.

Will I ever?

Right now, this is what I think I want my future to hold:

  • I want a partner whom is a best friend. I want someone to share my insecurities with, my social anxiety, over thinking self – and be loved despite it
  • I want to have found myself – I always hear this, but never understood what it meant to “find yourself”. It’s more so to get to know yourself more than anything
  • I want to develop a spine, opinions, my own life, friends that I click with
  • I don’t want to feel like I’m ‘performing’. I don’t want to be this jolly happy woman if I’m not that woman genuinely
  • I don’t want to feel guilt or shoulds anymore

I’m starting to read feeling good again, this time, more purposeful. I want to get better, I don’t have to feel happy, I just have to not feel depressed.

 

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Binge

Yeah 😦

145.

I worked so hard to get to where I did, now I’m losing the ground I gained. I’m really scared. I’m the beginning and ending to life as I know it. I could get out of my own way.

What is going right in my life?

  • My parents are still alive
  • My siblings are growing their family, our family
  • I have a pretty sweet computer setup
  • I’ve found a good friend or two

I want to say goodbye to binging. It’s the only way I’ll start living. It means living with fear, worry, and anxiety, without remedy – right? Or does it mean I’ll have to destroy fear, worry, and anxiety? Because, I don’t’ know what other distraction I can have. I will get over it – I may regain all my weight and more, people will notice, and they will judge. But, I’m on my own journey.

What can I do to make things better?

  • Read the CBT book again
  • Seek therapy
  • Write each time I want to binge
  • Sleep when I’m tired

Last night I was doing really good – no binge, near sleep, then I heard the T.V. make a really strange noise. I’m home alone, I got scared, I got up and binged.

I think I need to see a therapist again, this time, I’ll be ready for one. First I’ll read through the book to see if it helps.

 

Hello Friday

My black friday purchases:

  • wireless keyboard
  • laptop boost up thing
  • Amazing Grace (Philosophy brand) fragrance spray
  • Oscillating space heater

I also scored some parental givings:

  • Dad found an unused monitor, so I have dual monitor set up
  • Parents gave me an unused roller (I just found the pleasure in self compression massages with those things)
  • Scale, so I can return roommates

So now I have a better work station including two screens & a wireless keyboard. It will boost my productivity since working won’t be as inefficient.

What I did today:

I reddit & played guitar for a solid hour at least. I was learning “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen. I then took my dogs to the dog park to get their energy out. That was important because I knew I would be away from home for at least 8 hours.

When I got home, no one answered the doorbell so I went over to my brother’s unannounced. It was pretty quite there as well, aside from 2 family members on my brother’s girlfriend’s side. I chatted with them for a bit. I did better in focusing on the conversation flow but I found myself repeating what I thought may have come off the wrong way over in my head, over the speakers talk. I lost some points in doing so as I lost the conversation flow. I’ll try to do better next time. I still think I did a ton better.

My sister and mom finally got in touch with me. I was to go up to Macy’s to pick them up. Before doing that, I went back home to my parents to eat lunch. I had a vietnamese sour salad (the best I can describe it). It’s pretty healthy and fresh. I also put in two pork pieces as well. Not too much though, because I’m on the uphill battle of weight regain.

I have been eating a lot and have been regaining my weight again.I binged when I got back home from visiting my family last night… on top of the nights before that. I am now back to a little over 143.

Breaking 143 was such a milestone. Even though it was an achievement, I was really insecure about my saggy skin and too rapid weight loss. So all the binging, I’ve been excusing for a “needed” weight regain. Of course, the plan is to again lose that weight, but in a more balanced and healthy way. When I lost a lot of weight, I was only eating one meal a day. It wasn’t unhealthy because I ate only when I was hungry – which really wasn’t often. That on top of the running, the weight just melted. But eventually I felt gangly.

Losing weight is such a mental battle. Even more than a physical battle. My notable yo-yo weight is the evidence of this mental battle. I wonder, am I too scared to go too deep on even losing weight? Like, I’m scared of what’s underneath, or what’s it going to look like at the finish line. Also, how will I change as a person?

These are things to consider with pursuing weight goals.

I derailed on what I did today… but I did do A LOT of thinking about that – as always. After lunch, I drove up to meet my mom and sister and did the shopping. After that we went home and we ate, and I kept eating. I stopped myself from going to the extreme though. I got defensive, though, when my mom tried to stop me from eating chicken skin. I took it personal. The way my family communicates is pretty different, I think. But all family’s communicate differently. My family is very, quick to correct and often guilt inducing. Now, I let them have this effect. I could let it just roll of my back as I intend to learn to do. To achieve that, I have to let go of the obsession with proving myself and not be attention whoring. Attention whoring because sometimes, it’s not you that are causing what you’re freaking out about. It’s not always about you – so don’t take things personal.

After lunch and probably too much mental living, we went over to see my brother’s baby. Our little family is growing, am I fated to be the ‘why is she still single’ aunt?

I don’t know, I feel like I’m fated for something cool. If only I could get my act together. Sometimes, I think getting my act together is just a list of to do’s that I’ve made for myself as a way to stack on top of the main item – pursuit what makes me feel actualized. Like I can’t do anything unless the house and room is clean.

*side note – the irony in finding your passion is that it is almost always right under your nose. You just have to solve it like sherlock solving a impossible puzzle.

I am now home, I’ve set up my cool desk set up and heater. Which means empty boxes and bags are sprawled on my bed, on top of the mess that is the cotton on the floor (that my dog pulled out of a stuff animal), and just knit knacks around. The living is a mess and the kitchen is a mess. I think I just hit my ceiling for mess. Also, I have to prepare the house in case there are guests. It is, though, already 10:32 p.m. and I’m quite tired. If I had my way, the house would be clean and I would be in bed starting an episode of Scandal. To combat the munchies, I would make some tea and do crunches.

Now if I started cleaning now, it would take me an hour and a half. Which puts me at midnight. This would be way too late on a typical night but since it’s friday I could push it a little. Tomorrow I plan to work out, hoping to put myself back into the head space where an authentic desire to eat only when hungry by tomorrow as well, I’ll go home and do the family thing. I may invite whomever over tomorrow. The house would be clean then, so I’ll feel better.

I’m just thinking too much into what they’ll think of me though. LIke, is it weird that my room is this way, or that I work in my room? Or that I don’t go out often? Or don’t have tons of friends? I’m afraid people will think me weird. Like, I need approval from people to continue to do what I’m doing because if they approve, it means they do it too, which means I’m normal and do have a shot at love.

The truth is, I don’t have to be home right now. I can hang out with whomever, I could be home with family, I could call my booty call and find validation from him for the night… I don’t have to be alone, but I choose to because, I can be me while learning what I like and don’t like. Start living my own life. Right now it feels lonely and I hope I don’t get defensive when someone teases me or worries about my social skills dying, but recently I feel like I’m creating a cocoon. I love my room and my pets, one day, someone will take up this space too. And on another day, my parents will be able to hold their youngest child’s baby. But until that day, I have the single task of just growing and developing towards my North Star, love myself and others a little bit more (in reasonable manners), & stay organized.

 

Vienna Waits For You

I’ve been feeling down recently and much of it is due to my inability to focus and too much ability in ruminating. 

Today went this way: dog parked, leash trained, breakfast, computer, gym, minor panic sent me to my car. Cried. Felt extremely low and lonely. Called mom. Came home. Got a pedicure and armpit wax AND a trip to the Buffett. Went to my brothers and held Lily for a long time. 

What brought me to tears was these thoughts: I’m not enough for WHF to want, he’s found his thing while I am still searching for mine. He’s got his comrades while I’m lonely all the time. Then I connected it to me always being attached to my brother or sister and never had my own thing going. So on the computer earlier in the day I felt like an alien trying to figure out how to belong for the first time. I seriously considered BJJ because of the comradery that’s built but I can’t do it without thinking about WHF. 

I’m considering regrouping the soccer team.. My ex now lives in Chicago so it wouldn’t be awkward and it’ll give me something to do on Fridays and its good team building. Maybe instead of trying something new with questionable motives, I stick to something I’ve started with a new mindset and athletism. Before I jump the gun, I want to hit another fitness milestone so I know ill be fit for it. Lately I’ve been between 138-143. If i hit 133 lbs. I’m getting the soccer team back together. 

Anyways. Yeah.. 

My immediate goal is to comfortable in my own skin.will fitness do the trick? And braces and teeth whitening strips? What about my saggy boobs and over sized thighs? Can’t hide that. What’s my goal? Seriously? 

My goal is to have a life. It’s to never look at another person and wished that I was him or her. Some things that may help me meet this goal:

1. Soccer – fitness and comradary

2. Running – badass feeling 

3. Fix chipped tooth

4. Focus learning 

5. Start accepting the lifestyle of a single 26 years city woman

6. Remove guilt  and expectation from life completely

As I write I’m reminded of the low feeling from today and I feel the dread of that feeling again tomorrow when my room is still and I’m left to my thoughts. I feel an urge to eat the chocolate dream cake in the kitchen and the dominos pizza. When an addict shoots a drug, they’ll get a surge of euphoria…that’s just like eating that cake or slice of 🍕 mindlessly. When the high sibsides, you still have the same demon that has a hold on you and it knows you so well, it knows how weak of a person you are and how easily you are to succumb to challenges. 

Don’t shoot up. Face that demon head-on. 

Brazilian Ju Jitzu

Seriously considering this…for depressing reasons. Here are the shameful desires:

  1. Physical contact
    • it’s been so long since I’ve touched another in more ways than a brush on the shoulder or a sideways hug. I want the embrace, even if they’re trying to twist my joints into submission
  2. WHF
    • This is his life. He’s talked about it, bragged about it, tried getting me to go, and I can see it does him wonders. The shameful idea is that this could possibly bring me closer to him. Is that wrong or crazy to want?
  3. Friends
    • I lack a place where I belong. I have friends, but only one or two where I feel known. This could provide the comradery I’m missing, especially since I don’t get it with work.

Not so shameful:

  • Strength
    • This would kick up my strength and flexibility game
  • Fitness
    • As a runner, this type of training would be good. It may help me reach my goal weight

We’ll see about it. I don’t want to rush into it and have it burn quick. I want to really think it through first as to not do it for the wrong reasons.

If and when I get started, I’m not going to reach out to him. I don’t want to impede in his life with ju jitsu or take away from his experience with it. I’ll do my own thing, I’ll think of him, but I’ll do my own thing. If we cross paths again, then so be it. If I do this and gain a friend or two from it then it would have been worth it. 

 

Random Thoughts Throughout the Workday

I Know Nothing ~ 10:02 a.m.

You know what really sucks right now? The realization that you aren’t all that. These rejections have hurt a lot because it’s completely knocking down my game and what I thought were truths. I guess the getting over that part is what I’m going through now. My ego, man it’s hurt. I think about ACW and get embarrassed, like really embarrassed. I wish I knew now what I knew then so that I wouldn’t have crossed that line…but since life likes to find entertainment in your woes, it’s impossible to know what I know now had I not been who I was and did what I did then.

But, yes, that’s bugging me. But to help my ego, I have to realize this. I know absolutely nothing.

I’m a pothead, like, I smoke a lot of pot” ~ 1:06 p.m.

This is why ACW is not interested…why the hell did my drunk self think it necessary to talk about this? Well… maybe I do know why… if you’re going to get with me, there’s one thing you must know, if it’s between the leaves you and, you have got to GO. But on a serious note – it’s true that that’s something my counterpart must accept about me but it’s also true that I should not have said this… but then again, he’s no good for me. So maybe that was my body’s natural way of spritzing a deterrent fragrance to a possible suitor.

Compliments Kissing Ass? ~ 1:47 p.m.

The difference between kissing ass and a compliment is intent. What do you want out of giving this compliment? For example, I just complimented someone on a public platform for something they did. Others may think it’s brown nosing because this person is higher up than me but the truth is, I complimented him because I admire how well his idea has helped me. I would like the same in return if my idea was liked by someone else, genuinely. Ok, maybe a little brown nosing because he’s my boss but to be fair, if it were an average Joe who had the same affect, I’d compliment him too on a public platform.

How Much Do I Tell? 2:59 p.m.

Say I start talking to another co-worker. How much should I tell him about ACW? Only to get in front of any rumors he may hear later down the road. Why am I even thinking about this…

There’s really not much to do in a day other than have fantasies and daydreams like this. It makes my heart flutter – I just have to have control over believing in them too much. All to do in a day is dream of the one you love… that could be the most wonderful prospect or the most depressing. It just depends on how realistic your expectations are. And I…expect no one to find me truly loveable.

 

 

 

Practice Makes Perfect

I’m writing because I’ve got the munchies really bad. I just want to eat, eat, and eat. I don’t want to feel this uncertainty and insecurity. And to not feel that, I have to put a bandaid over it in the form of eating. It would tire me out completely. Afterwards, I’ll still have my workload along with my low confidence with my output.

These are what I am chewing over badly:

  • My friend hasn’t responded, she seems to be the only person I ever really want to hang with other than my ex. But, she, like my ex, is much more detached from me then I am to her
  • Barbara is knocking out work seemingly and it makes me nervous about my job, will I lose it?
  • I haven’t been spending a lot of time with the new baby
  • I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete the music site successfully

Ok – combating these thoughts… GO!

  • She’s most likely doing her own thing. It’s okay that I want to hang with her all the time. It’s fun and we’re really similar. But she has her own life as she always has. It’s ok that I’m more attached as well. It just means I’m human.
  • I don’t know what she’s doing, or anyone else is doing for that matter. The company is changing, lots is going to the machines. I may lose my job whether or not I’m knocking out a lot of work. Just keep doing what I’m doing and whatever changes, I’ll be able to handle it
  • I may not be able to, and it’s ok. It’s ok to say you promised more than you can handle. It sounds like he’s really slow to respond as well to Barbara.

I still don’t feel amazing..but I’ll keep working… dinner is right around the corner