Oops I Did it Again

I binged last night. I’m now at 141.5. I normally don’t track this but I want to know to see the full effects of binging.

I’ve settled on something, binging isn’t my problem. It’s my flare gun. It happens when I’m not feeling right and really need a pick me up. It comforts me and holds me when no one else is there to do so. The problem is what makes me want to binge.

What happened yesterday to cause the binging?

I’ve been feeling strange with my relationships, you know, the whole I hate everybody thing. It feels really good not to care in the moment, but yesterday I was overthinking so much. I felt really awkward with Pip. I have ill feelings there but since we live together, I can’t escape it and pretend to be cool. I’m not great a pretending so there’s just a lot of silences. I don’t know what to do there.

I left when she went into my room to chat a little. I got to Zman’s and was feeling down already because of the situation at home. I didn’t have any makeup on – which is fine but that added a little of insecurity. Then when I got the Zman’s, my high school crush Isaac was there. He does live there. Mia was back from Mexico, learning to be a scuba instructor. My head started going on and on about how Mia would be who Isaac wants and my thoughts completely destroyed me. I started acting really awkward and left shortly after I got what I needed.

On the drive home, I just kept thinking, perhaps my dad was in this position when he grew up and decided to really push everyone away till he just had his work to focus on. That scared me more than anything. I don’t want that. Instead, I want people around, it’s just people I connect with. People who are like me. I kept thinking how Isaac, Mia, Pip, WHF, and so many other friends who know who they are (at least I think so) but me, I am so split between different types of friends that I had to change myself for depending who was in the room.

When I got home, Lorence was in the kitchen, I started talking more. Lorence wasn’t very talkative. My head started punching me some more. I got into my dark room, the room I’ve spent so much time in and loneliness washed over me. Is this my life now? I have a kick ass job and I wish I could just enjoy my life and how great it’s set up now.

I think I will get there. But moments like these are what holds me back and realizing it will push me forward. A few pounds for a few growth spurts.

I no longer hate that I binge or think I’m abnormal. I love myself more than ever.

What should have I done yesterday?

  1. When I have these negative thoughts, stop and start paying attention to what’s going on in the moment
  2. Get ready for the day, everyday, either put efforts into your hair or face – not both as that would be caring too much… I just want to look decent enough to feel good
  3. In the moment I felt the craving, I should have notice that growing pain and started writing
  4. Find the balance with relationship – this is going to be ongoing

Something else to wonder is, why do I feel fine now? Where is the hunger pain? That type of craving occurs when I feel this…social panic.

  • I don’t feel this way with work, I’m doing well there.
  • I don’t feel this way with exercise, I’m getting stronger.
  • I don’t feel this way (anymore) with family relation, I am who I am.

I am who I am in all these arenas, so why not think that way when it comes to love and social relations?

  • I feel this way with social relations, they’re talking about me or thinking bad about me
  • I feel this way with love, I’m not loveable

These are my own thoughts – there are some evidence of smack talking but, most likely, it’s blown out of proportion in my head – causing me to hate everyone. I must learn the art of healthy gossip.

 

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