I just felt a huge pang of emotion… and following that are thoughts and feelings and reflections of my past wanton actions… and now I’m questioning my worth…
But I don’t feel like binging, I feel like figuring out why I feel this way and how to correct it.
Ok – the company hired new people, girls. I immediately felt, I wish there was another word for it, jealous. I was already thinking they were prettier, or just better all around. On the company trip, I felt like the new girl. This made me realize, I’m no longer the new girl. And that’s ok.
There will always be more prettier, nicer, smarter, more skilled, more dignified, and charming girls. I am completely far away from that. I feel ashamed now, because I realized, on the company trip, I was so big headed. I thought I was the bell of the ball with my red turtleneck and close fitted dress. In the moment, I felt like I had to show off, to be that girl, to get attention. But now, in retrospect, as I imagine a new set of girls coming in, all much more of what I’ve listed, are now the bell of the ball. And that’s ok, because maybe that’s their thing. I tried it, and it wasn’t my thing. I ended up messing around which resulted in a possible spoiled reputation and a +1 in the rejection scoreboard.
All my life I wanted to shine and to be loved. What I’ve learned is that it takes a lot of work to be that girl – and it has to take someone who is genuine in what it takes to actually be that girl. I’m not that girl. I envy that girl.
Today I truly realize, I’m not that girl. And right now it makes me feel a bit down, especially as I tread through this shameful/guilty feelings thinking of my past actions. I hold onto the past so that I can recreate the feelings of when I was that girl.
Why do I care to be that girl?
Right now it’s livelihood. I think I have to be that girl to keep my lifestyle – work from home with a flexible schedule. Here’s the thing… this is completely out of anyone’s control. I might lose the job from something unexpected like the CEO was smuggling something something and got caught and the company went under. What I need to do, if this is a legit concern is spend time (when I’m bored and just want to eat) learning something that can create a backup if this job falls through.
*I want to keep in mind, my lifestyle is what I like right now. I know it is subject to change as I change with time.
That girl gets the guy. At least that’s what t.v. tells me. I think it’s natural to want to be what guys want so that you end up with someone. It feels good being with someone who understands you, who can make you laugh (vice versa), who is good for you, and doesn’t bore you. Maybe I’m pretty particular. That’s something I’m learning about myself these days. My binging personality does not care if the chicken strip is cold, she will eat it and want more. I like this side of me because it keeps me open minded. But it also leaves me choosing guys that don’t make me feel all those things. My cold self that I am trying to keep alive, the self that is 135 lbs. and smiling is picky. She actually takes time to taste and will put the fork down if she doesn’t like it, but she can come off as an asshole (which I’ve admitted that I am – just need to control it for friendship/family sake), she isn’t flirtation and is more cognisant of who she lets in.
When I exercise, I am more so my binge self. The binge self keeps me going because it’s seen me get up a million times before while my cold self starts feeling overly confident and big headed by thoughts that I let roll on too long. Downfall of having an imagination… I am working on controlling it though.
So I need my binge and cold self to work together. My past motivations were to be the bell of the ball and wanted, it’s no longer that. My current motivation is to be motivated to focus on anything as much as I was at finding love . Well not anything… it has to mean something to me. I already admit that I’m not a saint, I’m a pretty shitty person so I’m not always going to say or do the right things. I’m going to be selfish but I will always try and be honest. I guess exploring meaning is a motivation. Especially what happens as I feel any sort of emotion, such as jealousy from this morning. Why feel jealous? And is that answer reasonable enough to maintain the feeling? Such as I felt jealous because I was kind of slutty and thought I was hot shit on the companies meet up. Ok.. why did you think you were hot shit?
- I lost a lot of weight
- I like my reflection
- I looked good in my outfit
- Felt like I got a lot of eyes
Ok this is as honest as I can get with my vanity. But then this gets me really insecure:
- Still have mushy skin and loose boobs
- My gap and big nose isn’t perfection
- I don’t look good all around
- It’s mainly makeup and efforts on hair
- Getting eye contact isn’t really that hard
Where is the warm self? The mixture of these two extremes…
What would have the warm self, the self that mentally give itself Tulips as a way to forgive itself when it knows it’s being too unkind, or too conceited, or too assholish, or too much of anything. It forgives itself and reminds itself that:
- Refocus on the moment
- Every thought that just freaked you out isn’t grounded in reality and has no weight
- Other’s thoughts, behaviors, and actions don’t have to affect you, keep doing you
- What would you do if you didn’t feel badly?
So my warm self, on the company trip, wouldn’t have worn the red shirt, much too sexy, as well as the dress. Well, no, my warm self can wear those things. But my warm self wouldn’t be surprised when she gets attention and would have turned down the invitation to go to his bedroom knowing that it isn’t a declaration of love but a validation of something you, today, know. You don’t have to settle or give any parts of you that you don’t want to because there will be more. I’m not sure who, but I know there will be more that would be much more of a fun time compared to this person who doesn’t seek monogamous love… from you. As much as that hurts to admit, don’t use their rejection as validation on your negative self talks and just keep doing you. It might be true, it might not, it’s just not worth the bother in figuring out.
You don’t have to prove it, you just are. And someone will notice it. If no one does notice it…then maybe this century wasn’t meant for you. Live it out and wish for a better reincarnation.
How do I let go of feeling anxiety for the future? I imagine GFW giving his attention to another girl. Which, I don’t have a lot of feelings for him, but that embarrassment is going to be real..I’m going to need to give myself lots of tulips then..and even so I don’t think I’d feel much better… I have to face the reality that they are going to move on and I should to, no looking back. No need for it. I think of what others would think… how they would sympathize or laugh at me.
- if they did, so what?
- people will devalue me
- If so what?
- nothing… I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing
What matters most is what you think of you. When this happens, you’ll know how much you’ve grown since the last time you met everyone. You’re afraid he’s going to do something that you were nervous people would judge you for… going with another person. But for him, you don’t think of him as a slut like you think yourself. You think, oh then people will think I wasn’t worth it, or I must feel bad that he didn’t chose me, blah blah.
See…I’m spending too much time on this. I need to stop blabbering about this nonsense and get actual work done.
Recap of my rant:
-Tulip for my feelings of jealousy and wanton behavior
-Realized I don’t have to be the bell of the ball
-Realized being yourself is much more fun than trying to be the bell of the ball
-It’s ok to binge, but if I can try to use other preventative strategies and tools, try that first
-Think about plan b to sustain lifestyle if this job is lost
-Don’t look for things to try to hold on to because you are most likely going to find yourself gripping something that’s not real yet you can’t let go. Note the loss and move on. It’s ok to lose.
-Stop blabbing and really focus on getting work done. Timely