My days have become gentle and routine. My dog is eyeing me, wagging his tail with every move I make. He’s gotten use to our daily dog park trips. My comforter is white, and it makes that crisp sound I love when I shuffle it. I have Spotify playing the Deep Focus channel. I’m in bed with a bed table for my lap top and mouse. Cheeto is snoring, nestled to my right. It’s bright out, my window is completely open to the world as the blinds fell off a long time ago. My days are gentle. I don’t cry like I use to, and when I do, it’s alright. I haven’t had jammed packed weekends like I use to. I sit in the still of my room on most days. The little ache I felt every time I was left alone is slowly dulling away. I’m becoming my own friend. I worry, sometimes, that I am changing for the worst. That this remote job is changing me in a way that’s making me anti-social, conceited, and so on. But then I ask myself, do I really feel that way? Do I feel anti-social, conceited? The answer is, most of the time I don’t like to spend with other people unless they know me and when I do get big headed I really try to stop it. What am I so worried about?
I am worried that my skillset is replaceable and I’ll lose everything I have going on. This isn’t a stupid concern, it’s very realistic. But, it’s also a gamble. It may or may not happen. The best thing to do is be the best you when you need to and give yourself slack when you need it.
I worry about this as well. You see, this trainer, I don’t know if he looks at me or not, but for some reason, I feel him looking. Plus with what Charlotte said, that he seemed more interested in me, plus his efforts to talk to me that one day… I don’t know where it’s going. I don’t make efforts to talk with him, or even look at him. This morning I felt myself being too harsh. I question if I would be this oblvious to anyone else’s presence. Why am I avoiding it so? I’m expecting him to ask Charlotte out, or refocus his attention on another girl, I’m ready for that disappointment.
But strangely, I ask myself, do I want him to focus on me? I don’t have a one word answer.
I don’t want to give my love easily anymore. I don’t know if that’s what the right thing is, but it’s the outcome the past. Its strict purpose, though, is to be realistic. I have a long way to go physically that I don’t think I can be 100% comfortable naked yet. There are parts of my body that I want to accept as me before I ask anyone else to accept it. If I give him eyes, it would feed my hopes, and make me starve for his affection…in which I will find only a substitute feeling – binging. It boils down to that.
Say these changes I’m making are for the better, and I begin to actually become more attractive to the other sex, what do I do with the attention? How do I talk to them? How do I not lead them on? How do I not get attached?
Right now I don’t reach out to anyone other than my first day buddy. Which I must stop as I have a little crush on him and he is in a relationship. His friend, our coworker, I believe has a thing for me as he was pretty forward about saying I’m the complete package (teasing of course). I was a little curious about him, but I don’t think I’m going to pursue that – he doesn’t have it. I should probably stop thinking too much on it as it’ll give me a big head… but on another day, it is a serious question. I don’t know who to be or how to be. I hope this period provides me an answer to that question. Because, if I have an answer to that question, that means I’ve discovered who to be and how to be – I’ve realized myself by spending time with myself successfully. If I don’t have an answer for that it means I haven’t fully realized myself yet.
At least that’s my theory.
Anyways, at the gym this morning I did the stairmaster, row, pushups, situps, squats, and sprints. I sweated profusely on the stairmaster. I became lazier as the workout continued. Trainer was there, I barely looked at him and he at me. But at one point we were within 5 feet of each other. Who’s going to be the first to break? Am I going to hear it from Charlotte that he thinks I’m weird because I don’t say anything in the mornings to him? I don’t because he’s with clients or he’s too far away.
Alright, I must get back to work… I’ve yet to start campaign writing. My goal today is to write through Monday & knock out another design. Tomorrow, I’ll schedule Tuesday and knock out another design.
Ok – what’s knocking me off my balance is that Barbara is talking to me like normal now, Charlotte is and this new colleague and I are having a little small talk. I’m liking it too much – it’s what I use to want. But I can’t let that deter me from reaching my goal of being an honest communicator, not fishing for compliments, and not a lonely communicator. I’m ok without talking to anyone all day long, I’ll just be more focused on work that way. I am so productive when I am zoned in like that. Anyways… today is strange.
I’ve been lackadaisical with my workout this morning and with work today. I don’t like it, I know I get this way from time to time. But it’s a pre cursor to binging and feeling guilty. So, I must be patient with relationships and maintain my goals.