These moments where I really get down about myself in thinking of you still exists. Its really sinking in. I attach your rejection as a score on my looks. Each time I look in the mirror, I understand why a little more and more. I’m losing weight, and I don’t feel beautiful. At least, I’m not the beautiful I thought I was. The kind of beautiful that I think would have made you come back. I’m a different kind of beautiful. My nose is wide and it accentuates my gap chipped teeth…but my smile is beautiful. My body is ‘almost there’ and the rest was up to heredity.
Nights like tonight I miss you. But, if I were to be honest with myself, I’d still miss you if you were here. You’d be watching tv in my room as I cook dinner or late in coming over. You’d be too tired to please me in bed but too energized to let me just lay as well. That’s how it was with you. And I always wished you were different, more interested and engaging in my day and what I was doing. But, I knew I loved you because I didn’t mind giving to you. You made me laugh with your offensive humor, it reminded me of childhood in the ghetto. And you made me feel beautiful in the way you wanted me. And now you don’t, so its hard to feel beautiful and worth it on most days.
I’m not happy with or without you.
Will I ever meet anyone who makes me feel like you do, where I make them feel the exact same way? That’s the only way I will be able to override thoughts of you.
Or…even better…maybe I can get to a point where I don’t want you anymore? You are just as much of an addiction as my attachment to filling my tummy. I’m working on shedding that attachment right now. It’s hard because I need food.
I won’t have the excess weight on my body and face to blame for my unattractiveness. What you’re getting is me in the bare. Next on the chopping block is you and it should be easy because I don’t need you. But it’s not easy. Most nights I want to text you to come over but I know I’ll only hurt all over again when you leave in the morning and say nothing until the next time I can’t help myself.
I think about you every single day. Still.
I worked this morning to where I don’t have a strict deadline tomorrow. I plan to work on the music website. I just haven’t been encouraged to really knock that out. I’m blocking myself, I know it. I just need to focus.
After work, my friend who sells Mary K came over to give me samples. I want to treat my facial skin better and help it look more the way I want it to. So I’ll try that for a week or two. Afterwards, she did my makeup for a “selfie challenge”. At first I thought I looked terrible, but after different angles, I really liked how it turned out. I then went to the gym and spinned with Charlotte for thirty minutes.
After she left, I went into the pool but left 10 minutes later because the guy next to me was causing too many ripples. I kept swallowing water. It was no longer enjoyable so I left and went into the sauna for maybe thirty minutes. Once I was done with the gym, I went grocery shopping. I purchased more fruits and whole grains. For dinner I made indian curry and spaghetti squash. My roommate complimented me on it, it did turn out very good.
I’m trying not to go back into the cupboards. The kitchen and binging is almost like a sore in my heart. It’s a habit hard to break. In the day, I think of the night with comfort of good food I know I can’t control myself from eating. But in realizing that, I am encouraged to break the habit. I 100% cannot be happy in a relationship until that habit is lessened.
This is because every single thing is connected to each other and any little movement has an effect on the whole.That’s how the world works. I want to positively affect my life satisfaction by reducing a negative habit. But, I need another bad habit to pick up in place of it – as that’s how the world works. I’m not a saint and cannot live a straight life. I just have to pick and choose what I want to allow to affect me.
I’ve been thinking about the next work trip as well. I am considering not going and making an excuse as to why I must skip. I don’t want to see ACW and be embarrassed head on. I don’t want to have the conversation of not wanting to take anyone should I go. I don’t want to fade into the background as I will be much more low key this time around. Also, this trip is in Vegas. It won’t be anything more than booze, gambling, pools, and dance clubs – which sounds amazing… but right now, I feel to vulnerable.
I don’t want meaningless sex.
For the rest of the night…
Outside I go for another toke…inside I’ll be back to prep my face for bed. I’ll strum a little bit of guitar. And I’ll think of him. Tomorrow I’ll write for Wednesday’s campaigns – then I’ll really work on the music site. I’ll exercise and make my body feel alive and feed it with foods that will nourish me. And I’ll think of him.Tuesday I will wake and write for Thursday & Friday campaigns, I’ll workout and play guitar. And I’ll think of him. Wednesday I’ll wake and write for Saturday campaigns, I’ll design a couple templates, and I’ll think of him. Thursday I’ll write for Sunday, Friday I’ll write for Monday.
For the rest of my life…
I’ll work out and eat healthy. I’ll gain weight and lose it. I’ll take my dogs to the dog park for hundreds of more times. I’ll battle my thoughts and feel awkward around people until my youth escapes me. I’ll imagine myself with any cute guy I see. And, I’ll think of him.