I Know Nothing ~ 10:02 a.m.
You know what really sucks right now? The realization that you aren’t all that. These rejections have hurt a lot because it’s completely knocking down my game and what I thought were truths. I guess the getting over that part is what I’m going through now. My ego, man it’s hurt. I think about ACW and get embarrassed, like really embarrassed. I wish I knew now what I knew then so that I wouldn’t have crossed that line…but since life likes to find entertainment in your woes, it’s impossible to know what I know now had I not been who I was and did what I did then.
But, yes, that’s bugging me. But to help my ego, I have to realize this. I know absolutely nothing.
“I’m a pothead, like, I smoke a lot of pot” ~ 1:06 p.m.
This is why ACW is not interested…why the hell did my drunk self think it necessary to talk about this? Well… maybe I do know why… if you’re going to get with me, there’s one thing you must know, if it’s between the leaves you and, you have got to GO. But on a serious note – it’s true that that’s something my counterpart must accept about me but it’s also true that I should not have said this… but then again, he’s no good for me. So maybe that was my body’s natural way of spritzing a deterrent fragrance to a possible suitor.
Compliments Kissing Ass? ~ 1:47 p.m.
The difference between kissing ass and a compliment is intent. What do you want out of giving this compliment? For example, I just complimented someone on a public platform for something they did. Others may think it’s brown nosing because this person is higher up than me but the truth is, I complimented him because I admire how well his idea has helped me. I would like the same in return if my idea was liked by someone else, genuinely. Ok, maybe a little brown nosing because he’s my boss but to be fair, if it were an average Joe who had the same affect, I’d compliment him too on a public platform.
How Much Do I Tell? 2:59 p.m.
Say I start talking to another co-worker. How much should I tell him about ACW? Only to get in front of any rumors he may hear later down the road. Why am I even thinking about this…
There’s really not much to do in a day other than have fantasies and daydreams like this. It makes my heart flutter – I just have to have control over believing in them too much. All to do in a day is dream of the one you love… that could be the most wonderful prospect or the most depressing. It just depends on how realistic your expectations are. And I…expect no one to find me truly loveable.