Vienna Waits For You

I’ve been feeling down recently and much of it is due to my inability to focus and too much ability in ruminating. 

Today went this way: dog parked, leash trained, breakfast, computer, gym, minor panic sent me to my car. Cried. Felt extremely low and lonely. Called mom. Came home. Got a pedicure and armpit wax AND a trip to the Buffett. Went to my brothers and held Lily for a long time. 

What brought me to tears was these thoughts: I’m not enough for WHF to want, he’s found his thing while I am still searching for mine. He’s got his comrades while I’m lonely all the time. Then I connected it to me always being attached to my brother or sister and never had my own thing going. So on the computer earlier in the day I felt like an alien trying to figure out how to belong for the first time. I seriously considered BJJ because of the comradery that’s built but I can’t do it without thinking about WHF. 

I’m considering regrouping the soccer team.. My ex now lives in Chicago so it wouldn’t be awkward and it’ll give me something to do on Fridays and its good team building. Maybe instead of trying something new with questionable motives, I stick to something I’ve started with a new mindset and athletism. Before I jump the gun, I want to hit another fitness milestone so I know ill be fit for it. Lately I’ve been between 138-143. If i hit 133 lbs. I’m getting the soccer team back together. 

Anyways. Yeah.. 

My immediate goal is to comfortable in my own skin.will fitness do the trick? And braces and teeth whitening strips? What about my saggy boobs and over sized thighs? Can’t hide that. What’s my goal? Seriously? 

My goal is to have a life. It’s to never look at another person and wished that I was him or her. Some things that may help me meet this goal:

1. Soccer – fitness and comradary

2. Running – badass feeling 

3. Fix chipped tooth

4. Focus learning 

5. Start accepting the lifestyle of a single 26 years city woman

6. Remove guilt  and expectation from life completely

As I write I’m reminded of the low feeling from today and I feel the dread of that feeling again tomorrow when my room is still and I’m left to my thoughts. I feel an urge to eat the chocolate dream cake in the kitchen and the dominos pizza. When an addict shoots a drug, they’ll get a surge of euphoria…that’s just like eating that cake or slice of 🍕 mindlessly. When the high sibsides, you still have the same demon that has a hold on you and it knows you so well, it knows how weak of a person you are and how easily you are to succumb to challenges. 

Don’t shoot up. Face that demon head-on. 

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