Hello Friday

My black friday purchases:

  • wireless keyboard
  • laptop boost up thing
  • Amazing Grace (Philosophy brand) fragrance spray
  • Oscillating space heater

I also scored some parental givings:

  • Dad found an unused monitor, so I have dual monitor set up
  • Parents gave me an unused roller (I just found the pleasure in self compression massages with those things)
  • Scale, so I can return roommates

So now I have a better work station including two screens & a wireless keyboard. It will boost my productivity since working won’t be as inefficient.

What I did today:

I reddit & played guitar for a solid hour at least. I was learning “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen. I then took my dogs to the dog park to get their energy out. That was important because I knew I would be away from home for at least 8 hours.

When I got home, no one answered the doorbell so I went over to my brother’s unannounced. It was pretty quite there as well, aside from 2 family members on my brother’s girlfriend’s side. I chatted with them for a bit. I did better in focusing on the conversation flow but I found myself repeating what I thought may have come off the wrong way over in my head, over the speakers talk. I lost some points in doing so as I lost the conversation flow. I’ll try to do better next time. I still think I did a ton better.

My sister and mom finally got in touch with me. I was to go up to Macy’s to pick them up. Before doing that, I went back home to my parents to eat lunch. I had a vietnamese sour salad (the best I can describe it). It’s pretty healthy and fresh. I also put in two pork pieces as well. Not too much though, because I’m on the uphill battle of weight regain.

I have been eating a lot and have been regaining my weight again.I binged when I got back home from visiting my family last night… on top of the nights before that. I am now back to a little over 143.

Breaking 143 was such a milestone. Even though it was an achievement, I was really insecure about my saggy skin and too rapid weight loss. So all the binging, I’ve been excusing for a “needed” weight regain. Of course, the plan is to again lose that weight, but in a more balanced and healthy way. When I lost a lot of weight, I was only eating one meal a day. It wasn’t unhealthy because I ate only when I was hungry – which really wasn’t often. That on top of the running, the weight just melted. But eventually I felt gangly.

Losing weight is such a mental battle. Even more than a physical battle. My notable yo-yo weight is the evidence of this mental battle. I wonder, am I too scared to go too deep on even losing weight? Like, I’m scared of what’s underneath, or what’s it going to look like at the finish line. Also, how will I change as a person?

These are things to consider with pursuing weight goals.

I derailed on what I did today… but I did do A LOT of thinking about that – as always. After lunch, I drove up to meet my mom and sister and did the shopping. After that we went home and we ate, and I kept eating. I stopped myself from going to the extreme though. I got defensive, though, when my mom tried to stop me from eating chicken skin. I took it personal. The way my family communicates is pretty different, I think. But all family’s communicate differently. My family is very, quick to correct and often guilt inducing. Now, I let them have this effect. I could let it just roll of my back as I intend to learn to do. To achieve that, I have to let go of the obsession with proving myself and not be attention whoring. Attention whoring because sometimes, it’s not you that are causing what you’re freaking out about. It’s not always about you – so don’t take things personal.

After lunch and probably too much mental living, we went over to see my brother’s baby. Our little family is growing, am I fated to be the ‘why is she still single’ aunt?

I don’t know, I feel like I’m fated for something cool. If only I could get my act together. Sometimes, I think getting my act together is just a list of to do’s that I’ve made for myself as a way to stack on top of the main item – pursuit what makes me feel actualized. Like I can’t do anything unless the house and room is clean.

*side note – the irony in finding your passion is that it is almost always right under your nose. You just have to solve it like sherlock solving a impossible puzzle.

I am now home, I’ve set up my cool desk set up and heater. Which means empty boxes and bags are sprawled on my bed, on top of the mess that is the cotton on the floor (that my dog pulled out of a stuff animal), and just knit knacks around. The living is a mess and the kitchen is a mess. I think I just hit my ceiling for mess. Also, I have to prepare the house in case there are guests. It is, though, already 10:32 p.m. and I’m quite tired. If I had my way, the house would be clean and I would be in bed starting an episode of Scandal. To combat the munchies, I would make some tea and do crunches.

Now if I started cleaning now, it would take me an hour and a half. Which puts me at midnight. This would be way too late on a typical night but since it’s friday I could push it a little. Tomorrow I plan to work out, hoping to put myself back into the head space where an authentic desire to eat only when hungry by tomorrow as well, I’ll go home and do the family thing. I may invite whomever over tomorrow. The house would be clean then, so I’ll feel better.

I’m just thinking too much into what they’ll think of me though. LIke, is it weird that my room is this way, or that I work in my room? Or that I don’t go out often? Or don’t have tons of friends? I’m afraid people will think me weird. Like, I need approval from people to continue to do what I’m doing because if they approve, it means they do it too, which means I’m normal and do have a shot at love.

The truth is, I don’t have to be home right now. I can hang out with whomever, I could be home with family, I could call my booty call and find validation from him for the night… I don’t have to be alone, but I choose to because, I can be me while learning what I like and don’t like. Start living my own life. Right now it feels lonely and I hope I don’t get defensive when someone teases me or worries about my social skills dying, but recently I feel like I’m creating a cocoon. I love my room and my pets, one day, someone will take up this space too. And on another day, my parents will be able to hold their youngest child’s baby. But until that day, I have the single task of just growing and developing towards my North Star, love myself and others a little bit more (in reasonable manners), & stay organized.

 

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